Better Know a Contender?

I figure since this may be the last season this team actually exists, it would probably be a good idea to get them out of the way as early as possible.  Wouldn't want to miss the van ride up to Quebec now would we?

But there is something terribly ironic about a team named the Coyotes, being located at the southern-most part of the country, who will quite probably be deported across a completely different border than one would expect in this situation.  It just gives me the chuckles, is all.

But hold the phone, because if the Coyotes can keep up this early surge, then they might not be going anywhere.  What's that?  No one in Arizona gives a shit about hockey and they're screwed no matter how long they keep this up?  Fair enough.  But what say we not worry about this for right now?  Bien.

Go on...

Runnin' On Empty

8:15: It's football night in America! Everybody in America is excited about it!

Ev-ry-bod-YYYYYY!!!

8:20: My eyes are still recovering from the assault port forth by the Seahawks uniform committee, but I think I can still go on. Yep, I think I've located the visual motion box that is my flat screen. So yeah, I should be able to go on.

So long as Deuce comes to my assistance...

Deuce?

What the fuck, man?

He's in the bathroom?

He droppin' heat?

He's douching?

Hmm... Makes sense, I guess.

Go on...

Worst to First #14 & #13

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

My name is Deuce. Pay strict attention to what I say because I choose my words carefully, and I never repeat myself.

Finkle is Einhorn. Einhorn is Finkle.

It's a lofty day here at FSD in the NFL Preview department as we dive, dick first as always, into the greater half of football teams for the season. And what better way to start examining some of The League's true contenders than by slapping together a pair of one-dimensional, inconsistently competitive but always dangerous NFCites who share quite a bit in common; the New Orleans Saints and Arizona Cardinals (in that particular order).

Theoretically it's no matter whose 14 and whose 13, since theoretically they'll both miss the playoffs. But when either (or both) of these offenses are clicking on all cylinders, a simply marginal defensive output should push them up a few rungs into the playoff picture. How similar are these teams? Sounds like a perfect time for...

BULLET POINTS!!!

• Both teams are coached by former Offensive Coordinators of teams that went to the Big Game, oft-described as "innovative" or "masterminds." Sean Payton with the Giants, Coach Whizz with the Steelers.


• Both teams are led by offenses that score points like they're fire-bombing a small Asian village: fast, in bunches and without warning, mercy or regard for human life.


• These napalm strikes are predicated on the poise and precision of their quarterbacks; two of the best in the league for fantasy purposes and blog-related jokes about their physical malformities and religiosity. Oh and winning football games. And gay shit like leadership.


• Both teams lack a traditionally effective running game, which means they are forced to "use the pass to set up the run" (Jaworski 196). Though, I strongly attest to the fact that Pierre Thomas > Tim Hightower.


• Fortunately, both the Saints and Cardinals are outstanding at using their versatile backs in the passing game to maximize all their offensive weapons. The occasional screen or outlet to one of these RBs combined with the less-occasional big ground pick-up on a draw provides a great complement for...


• Some fucking awesome pass-catchers. Fitzgerald and Colston are both Top 5 receivers, and when Quan isn't contract-bitching, he's eating the afterbirth of virgins for breakfast. Throw in Lance Moore, Steve Breaston, etc. and these guys have 3rd-string wideouts who'd start for Team #12 on our list.
  

And finally

• Both teams have a goddamn sieve for a defense.
  

And there's the rub, the Achilles heel, the chink in the armor, the discolored growth on the shaft of the Cardinals and Saints that could (and likely will) prevent them from doing any serious ass-pounding this season. Both units allowed an average of over 3 touchdowns + a FG per game, which is pretty damn shameful. Sure, they each force a fair amount of turnovers, which has to be a gameplan derived from the acceptance of their own inability to tackle, shed blocks, read plays and cover people. To their credit, Payton and Whisenhunt seem only half-heartedly concerned with their defensive ineptitude. They adhere to the same coaching philosophy as our boy Fischer uses on NCAA Football 2010:

Who gives a shit about defense if I score every time I get the ball?

Valid point in video games. Flat-out ReTaHded in the NFL.

Considering the Shartinals Super Bowl run (and decimation of Philly and Carolina in the playoffs), one would think they actually had a good defense last year. Until I let you in on the fact that 'Zona was one of 5 teams to allow over 400 points to opponent's last year.

Sidebar: Detroit allowed over 5OO POINTS last year.

What the Cardinals do have going in their favor (and that which differentiates them from the Taints) is that they at least have the TALENT pool on defense to make an impact. Adrian Wilson is probably the hardest-hitting safety in the league, grossly underrated and one of my favorite players. But if your safety is your leading tackler, even Jables could tell you you're in trouble. If he ever tears himself from the Skeeball court, that is. Dansby, Dockett, DRC and others provide a balltickle of an allusion of a defense that can, at the very least, provide the offense a breather every few possessions; perhaps even contribute in a positive manner to the team as a whole.

Meanwhile, NOLA's defense has...um...

/checks Depth Chart

...Jesus. Not a live soul to be found. These guys are fucked.

The only other difference I can find between these teams is in the cities they hail from.

One is an American cultural Mecca; the home of beautiful jazz and blues musicians, orgasm-inducing Cajun and soul food, the greatest ethnic smorgasbord in the country and the mouth of the the mighty Mississippi River.

The other is Phoenix.

Laces out.

Hatin' On Your Home Town

Polism is certainly a widespread phenomenon. When combined with the pugilistic nature of sports and the Internet, it can certainly take on a freakish life of it's own. Because we here at FSD are masters of Ju-Jutsu, we understand that all things in life have a force. This force must either be embraced or deflected as it cannot very well be resisted (ibid, your honor). Therefore, we are just going to go ahead and embrace it. As much as I would like to tone down the venom, I'm just not sure that is a possibility at this point in my juvenile development. And hell, it can only get us that much more ready for football season, am I right? So let us get to this week's entry in order to better understand why your home town is just so shitty...


Next up!


Man-made deltas and concrete ri-vers,
South takes what the North de-li-vers.


Lost Fan-geles




Where did they all go?

Actually, this is a picture from just prior to the opening pitch of NLCS Game 3 from 2008. Don't come all at once, folks! Otherwise, how are we going to fit all that smog and ink inside of the stadium?

Of course, Californians like to take things slower. They say it's intentional, but I disagree. I mean, when there's a donut shop and a liquor store on every corner of your city, how can one not be tempted to make at least one, or shit, several pit stops?

Hey, is that Lindsey Lohan over there? Unfortunately not, but she is a movie start of sorts. Yep, that girl will be appearing in at least one of three pornographic features that will take place in the back seat of a minivan this summer. They grow up so fast...

But it isn't just the donut shops, the liquor, the drive-bys, and the genital warts that keep the LaLa's running late. I mean, have you seen the traffic these people suffer through each day? Maybe if their games started at 8pm PDT, these jock supporters would be able to make it to the games on time. Or maybe it would just provide them with an extra hour of botox injections and an additional opportunity for Jose to get his surname tattooed on his forearm. It could go either way.

Although it's not all bad, right? You got the most famous taint in all of sports, right? You got a beloved soccer legend, right? And all those Raiders fans with no place to go but north up to Oakland, or south straight to Hell.

I'm kidding. After all, you are the proud holders of the 2009 NBA championship! But could someone please explain to me why the rmajority of the crowd sits in the dark, while the only people that actually get exposed to any light aside from the players, are Dyan Cannon and Jack Nicholson? If I wanted a lesson on bad skin conditions I would visit a fucking burn unit. Oh, it's because there might not actually be anyone else in attendance? So they keep it dark, and therefore, secret just in case? Makes sense. It's a lot like your snuff porn industry then, no? Wow, what an analogy for Laker basketball.

And by the way, nice fucking name. It doesn't make one god damn spec of sense. Do you just hate Minnesota that much? Well, I guess that makes sense...

But you know what my biggest problem with your flaming shitstick of a city is, aside from your shitty air quality, dreadful skyline, and never ending urban sprawl? That for some reason, other cities appear to be modeling themselves after your disastrous experiment. It's bad enough that Anaheim feels the need to latch onto you like a parasitic critter finding nourishment in a pile of dung, but Phoenix appears to be following suit as well. Whether it's the spinning rims and the cars parked on the front lawn or the fake titties and apathy toward all-things culture; you have somehow tricked other towns into thinking that the grass is greener on the other side of the San Fernando Valley, even though there ain't shit for grass over there!

Neat trick, LA. But this cat's not fooled. Besides, it's only a matter of time before St. Andre decides to suck you right back into the Pacific Ocean ass first. On the bright side, all that plastic they put into your faces should keep you afloat for sometime and maybe you can make it to Yuma for the early run on beach front property. And besides, when that does happen, maybe Minnesota can get their team name back.


Best (and only good) thing about your city: The film Chinatown and its influence on the film Brick

Obama Handout Culture Infiltrates NHL

Via ESPN

The Coyotes have been a financial disaster (in addition to an absolute abomination) since they arrived in the Valley of the Suck back in 1996. But what do you expect when your head coach and part-owner is throwing down thousands of dollars on Super Bowl coin tosses? Oh, forgive me, that's right, it was his wife, and he had nothing to do with it. I know that MY wife is always the one accruing the gambling debts while I'm the one watching football.

Anyhoo, the NHL is tossing money at the Coyotes in order to save this once, well, potentially proud organization. My question is, somewhere in Canada there are real hockey fans who would love to host an NHL hockey team, or another hockey team for that matter; so why not use that money to drop the Sunbelt experiment and slide a team up north to the place where the NHL was born? Quebec city, Winnipeg, Toronto, shit Saskatoon would probably do a better job than this sorry excuse for a city. And what's one more vacant mansion in the Valley anyway, am I right?

I once attended a hockey game at the "Jobing.com Arena" (a little suggestive, even for Phoenix don't you think?), and the atmosphere could be best characterized as an 80's rock concert meets Monday Night Raw. If, you know, both the concert and the wrestling event were mostly empty and filled with people who only sort of cared that the show were actually taking place.

Another question, why would you ever put a hockey rink in the Valley of the Sun? Hockey rinks need ICE, and you put a hockey rink in the desert? Insane (see above).

And lastly, why is Phoenix even called the Valley of the Sun anyway? Was it because Silicon Valley was already taken? Yeah, maybe.

Valley of the Suck

Also, Deuce will be blogging LIVE from the Kidnapping Capital of America, where the NBA All-Star festivities will be taking place this weekend. Which is to say he will be blogging from the parking lot outside of US Airways Arena by day, and going bar to bar in Scottsdale by night, attempting to snuggle up to Mo Williams in the process.