Better Know a Contender?

There aren't many movies that have come out in the last decade or so that have caused as much controversy as Wild Things.  Half the critics loved it (or at least accepted it) and the other half despised it.  Any 14 to 40-somethign male probably watched it late one night when the wife or the parents went off to bed, hoping for something... stir.  The film featured a nearly burnt out Neve Campbell, as well as a Denise Richards searching for her last great attempt at stardom.  Call it a tasteful porno.  Well, until you introduce Matt Dillon, and then how could the acting be confused with anything else aside from pornography?  At least then the movie would have an excuse for pedaling such laughable dialogue.

Go on...

Le Ginge Needs His Diaper Changed

Let the NFL onslaught continue!!!

Rejoice! Rejoice one and all!

Our BFF is officially a Viking.

Someone cue up Kool and the Gang. We got celebrating to do...

You guys wan' play wit me neh?

Oh, it is one fucking glorious day...

BFF...

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Hatin' On Your Home Town

Polism is certainly a widespread phenomenon. When combined with the pugilistic nature of sports and the Internet, it can certainly take on a freakish life of it's own. Because we here at FSD are masters of Ju-Jutsu, we understand that all things in life have a force. This force must either be embraced or deflected as it cannot very well be resisted (ibid, your honor). Therefore, we are just going to go ahead and embrace it. As much as I would like to tone down the venom, I'm just not sure that is a possibility at this point in my juvenile development. And hell, it can only get us that much more ready for football season, am I right? So let us get to this week's entry in order to better understand why your home town is just so shitty...


Next up!


Man-made deltas and concrete ri-vers,
South takes what the North de-li-vers.


Lost Fan-geles




Where did they all go?

Actually, this is a picture from just prior to the opening pitch of NLCS Game 3 from 2008. Don't come all at once, folks! Otherwise, how are we going to fit all that smog and ink inside of the stadium?

Of course, Californians like to take things slower. They say it's intentional, but I disagree. I mean, when there's a donut shop and a liquor store on every corner of your city, how can one not be tempted to make at least one, or shit, several pit stops?

Hey, is that Lindsey Lohan over there? Unfortunately not, but she is a movie start of sorts. Yep, that girl will be appearing in at least one of three pornographic features that will take place in the back seat of a minivan this summer. They grow up so fast...

But it isn't just the donut shops, the liquor, the drive-bys, and the genital warts that keep the LaLa's running late. I mean, have you seen the traffic these people suffer through each day? Maybe if their games started at 8pm PDT, these jock supporters would be able to make it to the games on time. Or maybe it would just provide them with an extra hour of botox injections and an additional opportunity for Jose to get his surname tattooed on his forearm. It could go either way.

Although it's not all bad, right? You got the most famous taint in all of sports, right? You got a beloved soccer legend, right? And all those Raiders fans with no place to go but north up to Oakland, or south straight to Hell.

I'm kidding. After all, you are the proud holders of the 2009 NBA championship! But could someone please explain to me why the rmajority of the crowd sits in the dark, while the only people that actually get exposed to any light aside from the players, are Dyan Cannon and Jack Nicholson? If I wanted a lesson on bad skin conditions I would visit a fucking burn unit. Oh, it's because there might not actually be anyone else in attendance? So they keep it dark, and therefore, secret just in case? Makes sense. It's a lot like your snuff porn industry then, no? Wow, what an analogy for Laker basketball.

And by the way, nice fucking name. It doesn't make one god damn spec of sense. Do you just hate Minnesota that much? Well, I guess that makes sense...

But you know what my biggest problem with your flaming shitstick of a city is, aside from your shitty air quality, dreadful skyline, and never ending urban sprawl? That for some reason, other cities appear to be modeling themselves after your disastrous experiment. It's bad enough that Anaheim feels the need to latch onto you like a parasitic critter finding nourishment in a pile of dung, but Phoenix appears to be following suit as well. Whether it's the spinning rims and the cars parked on the front lawn or the fake titties and apathy toward all-things culture; you have somehow tricked other towns into thinking that the grass is greener on the other side of the San Fernando Valley, even though there ain't shit for grass over there!

Neat trick, LA. But this cat's not fooled. Besides, it's only a matter of time before St. Andre decides to suck you right back into the Pacific Ocean ass first. On the bright side, all that plastic they put into your faces should keep you afloat for sometime and maybe you can make it to Yuma for the early run on beach front property. And besides, when that does happen, maybe Minnesota can get their team name back.


Best (and only good) thing about your city: The film Chinatown and its influence on the film Brick

Hatin' On Your Home Town

Polism is certainly a widespread phenomenon. When combined with the pugilistic nature of sports and the Internet, it can certainly take on a freakish life of it's own. Because we here at FSD are masters of Ju-Jutsu, we understand that all things in life have a force. This force must either be embraced or deflected as it cannot very well be resisted (ibid, your honor). Therefore, we are just going to go ahead and embrace it. As much as I would like to tone down the venom, I'm just not sure that is a possibility at this point in my juvenile development. And hell, it can only get us that much more ready for football season, am I right? So let us get to this week's entry in order to better understand why your home town is just so shitty...


Next up!


The Ugly Twin


Land of 10,000 lakes, and 10 billion mosquitoes, so what's not to love, right?

How about everything? When Minneapalsies aren't busy being fit or getting trapped under collapsed bridges, they're off not attending baseball, basketball, or football games. Seriously, I'm pretty sure more people showed up to be extras during the playoff scene in Little Big League, than for an average regular season Twinkies game. So what are they doing instead? Who the fuck knows? Maybe worshiping at the eventual alter of our BFF?

Not that I can blame you for never showing up to your home games. At least not with the way that management treats your loyal support. Randy Moss, Johan Santana, Kevin Garnett, Torii Hunter, WALLY SCZERBIAK! I mean, these are some major stars that your owners and GM's have either traded away or simply allowed to walk out the door. To be truthful, I'm shocked that AP is still in Viking purple (nurple). But give him some time, I'm sure he'll find a home in the Northeast sometime in the near future. I'm sure it was worth letting these guys go considering the successes of these individual teams over the last few years. Although I'm sure the T-Wolves are just a point guard or two away from breaking through... Muuwahahaha!

I'm sorry if I offended any Minnesotans by attacking your attendance track record and correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't two teams fled your state for other, more economical confines? Isn't that why there is a team in Los Angeles called the Lakers and a team in Texas called the (North) Stars? I will give you some credit since those were two of the coolest, most applicable names in all of sports... But you lost them, so I take back the credit and will then debit the same amount.

And while we're on the subject of names, did I forget to mention, forget to mention your hockey team? Congrats Minnesota, you have THE worst-named major sports team in the world. Did the decision-makers have some kind of fetish for shitty Meryl Streep-Kevin Bacon films? Oh, it's actually a John C. Reilly fixation? Well that makes more sense. But next time you lose a team to another city, and then get another lesser team, make sure that the petition goes out ensuring that your team name ends with a god damn "S". Screw y'all for enabling the existence of the OKC Thunder. You've set a precedent and even a shitty tort lawyer-to-be should understand this infraction.

I know. You've had a tough go of it lately, and it's only going to get worse once our (and your!) BFF goosesteps on into town. Imagine that, the guy that you've hated for a decade is now going to be your passing game savior. But don't worry too much because I'm sure your shitty coach will screw it up somehow. Plus, since you're only renting the BFF, so both he and Childress can pack their bags together, ride off, and be jackasses in some other locale.

But don't look so sad! At least you have your lesser twin to the East to make you feel better about yourselves. I mean, St. Paul ain't go shit to celebrate. But at the same time, they don't have anything to feel bad about either. But to be fair, you are inextricably linked, and not just in terms of proximity either. After all, each of your teams belong to Minnesota, not just Minneapolis. For shame. Now the rest of your vacuous, awful state has to share in your city's misery. And that's just selfish.

And one more thing; can the Twins please stop making the playoffs for fuck's sake? I know, your coach is kind of awesome, and your team is full of scrap. But, if I have to watch them bunt and steal their way to anymore 3-2 victories, before inevitably falling to a superior AL East team once again, I'm gonna lose it. Stop ruining my October! I already have enough on my plate considering the long, hard Winter that is on the way. And the last thing I need is more Minneapolis in my life.

Aaand lastly, the good people of Red Sox Nation would like to extend their thank you for providing them with the services of one David Ortiz... Yahtzee!

Best (and only good) thing about your city: Dr. Lawyer IndianChief