Hatin' On Your Home Town

Polism is certainly a widespread phenomenon. When combined with the pugilistic nature of sports and the Internet, it can certainly take on a freakish life of it's own. Because we here at FSD are masters of Ju-Jutsu, we understand that all things in life have a force. This force must either be embraced or deflected as it cannot very well be resisted (ibid, your honor). Therefore, we are just going to go ahead and embrace it. As much as I would like to tone down the venom, I'm just not sure that is a possibility at this point in my juvenile development. And hell, it can only get us that much more ready for football season, am I right? So let us get to this week's entry in order to better understand why your home town is just so shitty...


Next up!


The Ugly Twin


Land of 10,000 lakes, and 10 billion mosquitoes, so what's not to love, right?

How about everything? When Minneapalsies aren't busy being fit or getting trapped under collapsed bridges, they're off not attending baseball, basketball, or football games. Seriously, I'm pretty sure more people showed up to be extras during the playoff scene in Little Big League, than for an average regular season Twinkies game. So what are they doing instead? Who the fuck knows? Maybe worshiping at the eventual alter of our BFF?

Not that I can blame you for never showing up to your home games. At least not with the way that management treats your loyal support. Randy Moss, Johan Santana, Kevin Garnett, Torii Hunter, WALLY SCZERBIAK! I mean, these are some major stars that your owners and GM's have either traded away or simply allowed to walk out the door. To be truthful, I'm shocked that AP is still in Viking purple (nurple). But give him some time, I'm sure he'll find a home in the Northeast sometime in the near future. I'm sure it was worth letting these guys go considering the successes of these individual teams over the last few years. Although I'm sure the T-Wolves are just a point guard or two away from breaking through... Muuwahahaha!

I'm sorry if I offended any Minnesotans by attacking your attendance track record and correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't two teams fled your state for other, more economical confines? Isn't that why there is a team in Los Angeles called the Lakers and a team in Texas called the (North) Stars? I will give you some credit since those were two of the coolest, most applicable names in all of sports... But you lost them, so I take back the credit and will then debit the same amount.

And while we're on the subject of names, did I forget to mention, forget to mention your hockey team? Congrats Minnesota, you have THE worst-named major sports team in the world. Did the decision-makers have some kind of fetish for shitty Meryl Streep-Kevin Bacon films? Oh, it's actually a John C. Reilly fixation? Well that makes more sense. But next time you lose a team to another city, and then get another lesser team, make sure that the petition goes out ensuring that your team name ends with a god damn "S". Screw y'all for enabling the existence of the OKC Thunder. You've set a precedent and even a shitty tort lawyer-to-be should understand this infraction.

I know. You've had a tough go of it lately, and it's only going to get worse once our (and your!) BFF goosesteps on into town. Imagine that, the guy that you've hated for a decade is now going to be your passing game savior. But don't worry too much because I'm sure your shitty coach will screw it up somehow. Plus, since you're only renting the BFF, so both he and Childress can pack their bags together, ride off, and be jackasses in some other locale.

But don't look so sad! At least you have your lesser twin to the East to make you feel better about yourselves. I mean, St. Paul ain't go shit to celebrate. But at the same time, they don't have anything to feel bad about either. But to be fair, you are inextricably linked, and not just in terms of proximity either. After all, each of your teams belong to Minnesota, not just Minneapolis. For shame. Now the rest of your vacuous, awful state has to share in your city's misery. And that's just selfish.

And one more thing; can the Twins please stop making the playoffs for fuck's sake? I know, your coach is kind of awesome, and your team is full of scrap. But, if I have to watch them bunt and steal their way to anymore 3-2 victories, before inevitably falling to a superior AL East team once again, I'm gonna lose it. Stop ruining my October! I already have enough on my plate considering the long, hard Winter that is on the way. And the last thing I need is more Minneapolis in my life.

Aaand lastly, the good people of Red Sox Nation would like to extend their thank you for providing them with the services of one David Ortiz... Yahtzee!

Best (and only good) thing about your city: Dr. Lawyer IndianChief