Next up!
Man-made deltas and concrete ri-vers,
South takes what the North de-li-vers.
Lost Fan-geles
Where did they all go?
Actually, this is a picture from just prior to the opening pitch of NLCS Game 3 from 2008. Don't come all at once, folks! Otherwise, how are we going to fit all that smog and ink inside of the stadium?
Of course, Californians like to take things slower. They say it's intentional, but I disagree. I mean, when there's a donut shop and a liquor store on every corner of your city, how can one not be tempted to make at least one, or shit, several pit stops?
Hey, is that Lindsey Lohan over there? Unfortunately not, but she is a movie start of sorts. Yep, that girl will be appearing in at least one of three pornographic features that will take place in the back seat of a minivan this summer. They grow up so fast...
But it isn't just the donut shops, the liquor, the drive-bys, and the genital warts that keep the LaLa's running late. I mean, have you seen the traffic these people suffer through each day? Maybe if their games started at 8pm PDT, these jock supporters would be able to make it to the games on time. Or maybe it would just provide them with an extra hour of botox injections and an additional opportunity for Jose to get his surname tattooed on his forearm. It could go either way.
Although it's not all bad, right? You got the most famous taint in all of sports, right? You got a beloved soccer legend, right? And all those Raiders fans with no place to go but north up to Oakland, or south straight to Hell.
I'm kidding. After all, you are the proud holders of the 2009 NBA championship! But could someone please explain to me why the rmajority of the crowd sits in the dark, while the only people that actually get exposed to any light aside from the players, are Dyan Cannon and Jack Nicholson? If I wanted a lesson on bad skin conditions I would visit a fucking burn unit. Oh, it's because there might not actually be anyone else in attendance? So they keep it dark, and therefore, secret just in case? Makes sense. It's a lot like your snuff porn industry then, no? Wow, what an analogy for Laker basketball.
And by the way, nice fucking name. It doesn't make one god damn spec of sense. Do you just hate Minnesota that much? Well, I guess that makes sense...
But you know what my biggest problem with your flaming shitstick of a city is, aside from your shitty air quality, dreadful skyline, and never ending urban sprawl? That for some reason, other cities appear to be modeling themselves after your disastrous experiment. It's bad enough that Anaheim feels the need to latch onto you like a parasitic critter finding nourishment in a pile of dung, but Phoenix appears to be following suit as well. Whether it's the spinning rims and the cars parked on the front lawn or the fake titties and apathy toward all-things culture; you have somehow tricked other towns into thinking that the grass is greener on the other side of the San Fernando Valley, even though there ain't shit for grass over there!
Neat trick, LA. But this cat's not fooled. Besides, it's only a matter of time before St. Andre decides to suck you right back into the Pacific Ocean ass first. On the bright side, all that plastic they put into your faces should keep you afloat for sometime and maybe you can make it to Yuma for the early run on beach front property. And besides, when that does happen, maybe Minnesota can get their team name back.
Best (and only good) thing about your city: The film Chinatown and its influence on the film Brick
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