Blogsturbation Monday

All-Star... Bust


So, we're currently at the crossroads of the suck; the MLB All-Star Break. Otherwise known as the place where sports go to die. If you thought it was bad after the NBA Finals ended, well you ain't seen shit yet. "But, what about the Home Run Derby?!", you ask. You mean, the circus show designed specifically for children, and ball-hawking clowns like this asshole? No, thanks. Even if they removed Berman from the broadcast it still wouldn't be enjoyable. By the way, have you seen ESPN's commercial for the Derby? The one where they have Berman on a loop, responding to the montage of homers from last year's derby, going "OH!"... "OHHHH!"... "OHHHHHHHH!" Well, let's just say that I enjoy my Baseball Tonight with a side if Internet porn, and this very commercial has caused me to switch over to the MLB Network because every time that very commercial aired, it was instant flaccidation. Thank goodness the menace has almost run it's course.

So because of this athletic cockblock, and because I don't read newspapers nor do I have the scouting network such as an institution like Deadspin has, I am forced to mine our own material, refabricating it in the process in order to make it new. Therefore, we are going to take a look at our, well, mostly my first-half projections during our MLB Previews to see if everything is on schedule so far. I say mostly my projections because, at the time, Deuce was battling a chronic case of BONG DICK... It's like Whiskey Dick, only way different. But anyway, here's what the soothsayers over at the Psychic Wing of FSD had to say about the way in which the Divisions would ultimately shake down:

AL East:

b. Lee - Sawx > Yanx > Rays > Jays > 0's

And this is true to form... At the moment

AL Central:

Deuce - Twins > Sahx > Flint's Finest > Royales > Injins

It's actually Tigers > Sox > Twins at the moment... Dumbass

AL West:

b. Lee - LAoA > Tex > Oaktown > Sailors

Switch the Mariners and A's and you have the actual standings, but neither are making the playoffs so who cares?

NL Central:

b. Lee - Cubs > 'Stros > Cards > Brewdogs > Reds > Rats

Top 3 aren't panning out so well, but that's what I get for betting on the Cubs

And since Deuce is a huge, embarrassing failure, I am just going to go ahead and assume that these were his picks for the remaining two divisions:

NL East:

Deuce - Braves > Mets > Phillies > Marlins > Nationals

Hey, at least you got one right so far, asshole...

NL West:

Deuce - Snakes > Dodgers > Padres > Rockies > Giants.

Hahaha... What a poor bastard. But that being said, it still could certainly shake out this way. After all, there is a lot of ball still to play. But just get to it quick, all this free time is causing some serious self-evaluation and I'm currently floundering in all categories... Just not as bad as Deuce, of course.