The Hyperbolic Chamber

The Tebow Incident



Reporter #1: Coach Spurrier, were you aware that Tim Tebow was left off of your preseason All-SEC ballot?

Ol' Ball Coach: Well, you see now, I left the job to my assistant, Jimmy. Now you all understand that I am a very busy man, and I can't be everywhere, signing every form, and wiping my own ass all by muhself. And so you see, I had my assistant fill out the ballot.

Reporter #2: Coach, is your assistant unaware of how truly amazing, and WORTHY Tim Tebow is?

Ol' Ball Coach: Now, hold on now. I assure you, that all of us here at Columbia fully appreciate the talents of Timmy. This was a simple mistake. Jimmy stated that there were already a bunch of Gators on the ballot, so he decided to shake things up a bit.

Reporter #3: Coach, has your assistant taken refuge in the Witness Protection Program?

Ol' Ball Coach: Now, I'm not sure what you're implying with that question, but I'm not sure I like it...

But either way, I let Jimmy know that we needed to get Timmy's name on that ballot, because of course, that is where he belongs.

Reporter #1: Coach, have you contacted the necessary parties in order to get the ballot changed?

Ol' Ball Coach: Indeed, I have. I called them up and asked if I could make a small change, and they have allowed us to do so.

Reporter #2: And did you decide to snub the greatest living athlete in the world, once again?

Ol' Ball Coach: Are we still talking about the same guy here? No, everything has been taken care of.

Reporter #3: Coach, are you aware that due to Lord Tebow's relationship with the almighty, he does not hold grudges, but rather has the ability to send the souls of enemies directly to hell?

Ol' Ball Coach: Okay, I think we're getting a little off topic here... I'm not sure why Timmy would need to hold a grudge in this instance. This whole mistake has been resolved.

Reporter #1: So, Tim Tebow's name has now been unanimously added to the preseason All-SEC team, is that correct, Coach?

Ol' Ball Coach: Yes, sir. That is correct. Now we can... MOVE on.

Reporter #2: Coach, when the ballot was being cast, was neither yourself, nor your assistant, truly aware that Tim Tebow is the greatest quarterback that has ever, or ever will, live?

Ol' Ball Coach: Well, Timmy certainly is a gifted quarterback and will most likely have a long, successful career for years to come, if that's what you mean.

Reporter #3: Coach, I believe what he means is that Tim Tebow is actually the Second Coming. You've heard of Touchdown Jesus, correct? Well, Jesus didn't end up in South Bend. He's down in Gainesville, right now.

Ol' Ball Coach: Well, I'm not much for blasphemy, but your zeal is, well... Interesting.

Reporter #1: Coach, are you at all afraid that you may have provided any bulletin board material for Tim Tebow and the Gators for your upcoming game in November?

Ol' Ball Coach: Look, now November is long ways away, and I'm sure that Tim isn't all that worried about his preseason ranking. I'm sure he is aware, and comfortable with his standing in the pantheon of college quarterbacks.

Reporter #2: But Coach, you are aware that even ultra-talented, super-attractive, intensely-admired quarterbacks still have feelings, correct?

Ol' Ball Coach: Well, I don't think Tim's feelings are hurt, as I just said...

Reporter #3: (Interrupting) Coach! Even demi-gods shed tears every now and again.

Ol' Ball Coach: Now, that's not even a question, for Christ's sake. I think everyone just needs to take a breath here.

Reporter #1: Coach, how much do you think you will lose by on November 14th? Current Vegas odds have you as a 20 point underdog. And that's on your home turf.

Ol' Ball Coach: Now that game is still looong ways away, and I think my team can compete with anyone in the country, so my money is on the Gamecocks.

Reporter #2: Coach, Vegas odds also have the over/under on Tim Tebow touchdowns for that game set to 12. You going with the over, or the under?

Ol' Ball Coach: 12?! You gotta be kidding me... UNDER!

Reporter #3: Coach, Vegas odds also have the over/under on South Carolina virgins impregnated during the game via Tebow's Divine Spirit set to 21. Over or under?

Ol' Ball Coach: Now wait just a got dang minute here. Tim Tebow is a self-professed virgin, and even if he wasn't, impregnating that many women in one night just ain't even possible.

Reporter #3: Tim Tebow will still be a virgin after the game, Coach. And impossible it would be, if he were human. However, it is His DIVINE SPIRIT that will be inseminating these women. So this is absolutely within the realm of possibility.

And I'm taking the over.

Ol' Ball Coach: Okay, that's enough of this craziness...

Reporter #1: One more question, coach!

Ol' Ball Coach: Okay, fine, but only because you're the only asking REASONABLE questions here.

Reporter #1: Thank you, coach.

Now, how many more mediocre seasons is it going to take before you get fired?

Ol' Ball Coach: That's it...


/Storms off the podium


(Muttering) Got damn bat shit crazy sunsabitches. I'm the got dang OL' BALL COACH. I don't need this NON-SENSE.