The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.
b. Lee, Tell 'em what your name is,
Prudish Behavior
If the Cards-Saints preview could be likened to Tara Reid, then allow me to introduce you to the Neve Campbell of NFL previews. In other words, if offense is nudism, then defense is prudism...
I mean for fuck's sake, Neve! You were in Wild Things! EVERYONE got naked in that movie, except you! Pretty sure I saw Bacon balls in that shit... FUCK! Tara Reid can't even keep her clothes on long enough to order a fucking Big Mac, but you... Are you a never-nude?
Where was I? Oh right, boobies. Or the lack thereof.
The Ravens and Titans met on a tragic day in January of 2009, when the Ravens mustered a staggering 211 yards of total offense, the Titans managed to put a grand total of 10 points on the board, and together, these teams combined for two full quarters of shutout football. So are we complementing defense, or scolding offense here? I'm not even sure anymore.
It should be noted, that these considerably intimidating defenses also combined for 1 sack and one interception throughout the course of the entire game. Meanwhile, the Titans offense found it fit to lay the ball on the ground 5 times throughout the course of this mind-numbing battle (they only lost 2 of those, however).
But to be fair to Tennessee's offense, over the course of the regular season they did average .7 more yards passing per game than Flacco's seagulls (but also, .7 points fewer per game). So they got that going for them. And both offenses do have top 10 running games (148 PG for B-more and 137 for the Tits), which is sure to stimulate even the most erectile dysfunctional amongst us. And with the return of Ray Rice from injury, and Lendale White from maternity leave, both offenses look primed to return back into the top 10 this season.
In fact, both of these teams are going to do exactly what they did last year, right down to convincing broadcasters to pontificate on the virtues of each subpar quarterback that gets the opportunity the take snaps for either team. No, Kerry Collins still does not have it. In fact, he never did. Yes, Flacco does look like a Bert without an Ernie out there most of the time last year. So I guess there was something entertaining out there after all. Shit, I love Sesame Street.
Let's just hope that this isn't the extent of the entertainment value put forth by either team. For there is hope. As long as Chris Johnson and Ray Rice get to touch the ball regly, then we should see some fireworks. I mean, it will be the kind of fireworks that never actually get off the ground. So like a cherry bomb... But cooler... If only by a little bit.
The good news is that the pride, joy, and saving grace for both of these teams, defense, has taken a hit since last season. Tennessee lost their stalwart lynch pin in Chocolate Staynesworth, and B-more's finest had to bid farewell to Sack of Suggs. Which is good news, because if either of these teams start letting up points, then there is no way that their offense is going to be able to keep them in the game. Meaning, more losses... ERGO, no playoffs... MEANING, that we won't have to watch these jackasses pollute our valued HD possessions come cold January. Can I get a Fuck Yeah?!
Unfortunately, with the exception of the Patriots, Chargers, and maybe the Colts or Texans, the AFC really does not have the offensive firepower to prevent both of these teams from making the playoffs, but maybe we can hope for just one not to make it?
But, b. Lee, I LIKE good defense. And I LIKE smashmouth football.
Well, little Timmy, you're an asshole. The only people that like this stuff are the people that live in Pittsburgh, Baltimore, and Chicago. And as we all know, those are all just terrible places to live, so what salt can we really put into these opinions? Not much.
So here's to a suckfree January folks! Because winter is long enough as is, and we don't need any overly modest ball clubs refusing to keep us warm while we enjoy our favorite pastime. I mean, we want to see some skin, so come on over Tara, and bring your loose friends along with you, because we are an open society with only one small restriction:
No Neves Allowed!
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