A Refusal to Go Quietly

THE SHEET will not be deterred neither by your oppressive attempts to squash our civil rights nor by your pervasive fascist ideologies that seek to dampen our progressive spirit, maaaaan. 

It's about love, maaaaan.

THE SHEET®: Results

The regular season has drawn to a close, and with it, so has our weekly installment of THE SHEET®.  Thank heavens, right?  It's a little difficult to make it all worthwile when your collaborators take about as much interest in the process as your fanbase, and you get streamrolled by a slow moving rush of apathy that threatens the heart and soul of, well, the heart of soul of FSD itself.  But let's go head and put a nice, shiny bow in this turd, shall we?

Go on...

THE SHEET®: Week 17 +

THE SHEET®: Week 16 Results

And what a way to limp to the finish line with no post for THE SHEET®: Week 16 whatsoever, only one of us being guaranteed to make any money, and Vegas having no clue as to what is about to happen this weekend, making the spreads patently absurd.  Plus, considering that when we look at the macro picture, this whole concept was barely recognized, let alone embraced by our small yet faithful readership, which is disheartening to say the least.  That being said, THE SHEET ain't going anywhere, and we look forward to it's return next season... Or for the Wild Card round of the playoffs.  We'll see what happens.

So, in honor of the final week of the THE SHEET® for the inaugural year of our rag tag institution known as Five Second Delay, please take the time the read through our Manifesto, to better grasp the concept and goal of this feature.  Do it, or I swear I'll drop a Top 100 list for best cover art of 2009.  And don't think that I don't have the draft already prepared.

So, farewell, 2009 (week 16).

How you doin', 2010 (week 17)?

Raise a glass to THE SHEET®, without which there is no blog, no comments, and most importantly, one less valuable means of procrastination.

THE SHEET®: Week 15 Results

Call this one Week Blue Balls.  I think the picture speaks for itself.  To be fair, we're all going to play it as if those blues should have been greens, just to push us over .500 for the week... Or at least, close to it (ahem). But if we're honest with ourselves, I think we're going to all agree to put this one behind us... Like MaMart on a Friday night... Saturday morning... Or Sunday at Mass with Father Joseph in the confessional.  Lutheran church, of course.

Deuce is on THE SHEET® this week, so we might have it by Saturday night if we're lucky.  Then again, he promised content today, and as you can see... Well, you can't see anything.  But perhaps we could all use a little breather after this ghastly collective performance.  At least the football games themselves treated us right? Four down-to-the-wire finishes, an OT game, and 10 games decided by 7 points or less.  Plus, whenever BFF falls on his face, it just makes everything a little rosier.

Here's to a fresh start, huh?

THE SHEET®: Week 15

Sheety Bank?

As if we all do not have enough to deal with while trying to find the perfect gift for mom and dad that prove to them that we truly love them THIS much (sports parka for dad, framed picture for mom), we have this pressure compounded by what faces us in the fantasy football playoffs.

You okay, Michael Turner?

Still a shitbag, Royal?

You're about to fall back to earth aren't you, Jamaal?

And you know this is the time when someone falls apart, either through mere poor performance or the potential "time-off" scenario that may play out for both good and bad teams this year.  It's just too much to think about.

And then how could we forget the race to the black for THE SHEET®?  Ginger has locked up some cash for the year, but the three bottom-feeders are working hard... Well, Deuce and b. Lee are anyway... Well, make that b. Lee, exclusively.  For if beester takes it down this week, then there will be a 3-way tie for second place.  Honestly, so long as Gina doesn't win anymore, then it works for me.  So grab your Ginge voodoo dolls and poke away.  He might act like he disagrees, but he loves it... I promise.

Because we're coming... To your Sheet-ay!

THE SHEET®: Week 14 Results

Hit you with E-leven-E-leven-E-leven-E-leven-E-leven-E-leven-Even back do' little Joe.

May have been one or two extea "elevens" in there, but I think you get the idea.  11-5's across the board this week in an exhibition that not even a poor bastard Jables could mar.  Sadly, only one could take the cash.  But most all of us feel like winners this weekend, and for good reason.

Except me, I feel like garbage that has just been thrown up.  That's right.  Someone ate garbage, then realized that they ate garbage, felt ill as a result, and then purged said garbage from their belly.  That's me.  On the ground. Garbage bile.  Or Garbile... FUN WITH WORDS!

So please do forgive the content trickle flowing forth this week.  I'm trying to keep my physicial spew from interfering with my digital barf, and OH GOD... Forgive me.

Maybe Deuce will fulfill your insatiable lust for hostile sports verbiage, but since laughing hurts at the moment, let us not entertain such fatuous notions for very long.

Read it and sheet.

THE SHEET®: Week 14

Lost up Sheet's Creek?

Welcome to the final Sheet gimmick (maybe) of the season.  Personally it is my favorite because it merges college and professional football into a giant clusterfuck of football euphoria.

It's Bowl Week, bitches!

The format of THE SHEET® is a little different this week, but just take a minute and let your eyes adjust.  First you will see the name of the Bowl which may or may not include a sponsor (eg. Virgin).  Below the Bowl name you will the monikers of the teams that will be participating.  To the right, you will find a brief explanation of why the Bowl exists and/or what the two teams accomplished to gain invite to said Bowl.

Sure, it is a little more complicated than the usual format, but we think you can handle it.  Then again, we're not surprised if you can't considering the underwhelming participation levels in our flagship feature.

We're goin bowlin...

And if you're still not jiving, well, we are still awaiting some commenter appeals to Deuce in the previous post... THE SHEET® takes a backseat to the existence of the blog itself... Logically enough.

THE SHEET®: Week 13 Results

First, an apology: Had I known that we were dealing with such a deadbeat, I would have never handed over the keys to the palace to that callous clown we know as Jables.  None of you deserved such brazen carelessness and it will not be tolerated.

Therefore, an action: Jables has been suspended from Week 14 of THE SHEET® and will also forego the weekly $5 entry fee.  Jables has broken an ancient code and our trust is retroactive.  I just thank the fates that b. Lee was able to pull down the pool this week, because otherwise... It's just too terrible to say.

Sure, Le Ginge will remain in the black for the duration of the season, but that doesn't mean that one of us can't get out of the red in order to join him.  But there can be only one...

Sheet yuh brains out.

Thursday Night Sheet-Storm, eh?

Or, Football Night in Canada

It is...

(-3)

At

sort of...

Call it in the air, hoser...

THE SHEET®: Week 12 Results

Let's play, If you were a football team, which team would you be?

New York Giants (b. Lee)

Sure you've had some success in recent years, but you just can't get your shit together this season, huh? Plantar Fasciitis, you say?  Major bullshiitis, we say.  Maybe that's the reason you can't run the ball and will finish the season somewhere around .500

Go on...

THE SHEET®: Week 12

Scavenger Hunt Edition

What is with the Thanksgiving schedule?  Why is it unbelievably bad each and every year?  The most recent "good" game we have witnessed on Fuck You Turkey Day when the 6-4 Chiefs upended the 7-3 Broncos 19-10 at Arrowhead.  19 to 10!  THAT is the best game we have seen in the last three years.  Since then, the average margin of victory on the holiday has been 25 points.  Good for fantasy, bad for casual viewing.

Go on...

THE SHEET®: Week 11 Results

Experimentations galore!

Deuce is experimenting with winning.  b. is experimenting with debt.  Ginge is experimenting with heartbreak.  Jables is experimenting with irrelevance.  I would say absenteeism for our latter participant, but 10 years of experience hardly qualifies as mere experimentation.

We also gave the FSD FAN SHEET (patent pending) a run, and although there was only one participant amongst the dozen... DOZEN! of FSD Fans, one Donk the Honkey put on a veteran performance... That is if any of us veterans could go above .500 for one week.  All in all, I'd say the last experiment is here to stay so long as our current commenters and eventual commenters can keep it afloat.

Scavenger Hunt Sheet will be up tomorrow in time for Fuck You Turkey Day.  In the meantime, peruse at your leisure.

THE SHEET®: Week 11

This weekend, the worst matchup in recent memory will be taking place when the Detroit Lions play host to the potentially Cribbs-less Cleveland Browns.  Regardless of whether or not JC suits up, this game is sure to feature some of the most impressive ineptitude possible.

Detroit fans may be upset over the fact that they are being lumped into the same category as the punchless Browntowners.  And that's a fair criticism.  After all, the Lions are doubling the Browns up in terms of average points scored per game with a whopping 16 points per!   Simple math would inform you as to just how pathetic the Browns offense has been this season.

But to the Lions fans that frequent this site, and take umbrage with this assessment, your team is 1-8 this season.  And when we combine that with last year's record, well you're 1-24.  Also, you are the only team to have lost to the Rams this season, and let's just say that this fact has given the Browns a confidence boost of sorts.  But enough piling on.

The good news?  These two teams have the worst defenses in the league!  Which means (hopefully) that there should be some scoring in this one. Maybe Calvin Johnson will get into the end zone.  Shit, maybe the Browns will eve score double-digit points.  Well, let's not get crazy now.  After all, it is probably best if we keep out expectations as low as possible for this one.

So, if you're feeling a little down this weekend, and you need a little perspective, well this could be the game for you.  Better go to the bar though, because this one won't be on any old television set in the country that ain't rocking the NFL Ticket.

Oh!  New enhancement... Yay!  If any of you would like to take part in THE SHEET® yourselves, then an additional blank sheet has been provided here.  Just don't forget about the rules.

Big boys can find their Sheet here.

THE SHEET®: Week 10 Results

Notice anything strange about this picture to the left?  Anything at all?

Yep, Jables completely missed a game.  Not sure if that has ever happened in the 4 year history of THE SHEET®.  Which is impressive, don't get me wrong.

What's not impressive?  Deuce breaking a major rule of THE SHEET® by making picks exclusively with team names and no jokes, puns, or mama jokes to be found anywhere.  I mean, we post the Manifesto every week and yet he still flips the bird at the institution.  And then he thinks he wins this week after that performance?

Let it be known, anyone breaks a rule like that again and "wins" a given week, will "lose" a given week.  Minimum 2 point deduction from here on for such infractions.  Mark it down.

Oh, and Ginge; Feathers Not Dots is hereby retired.  Find a new gag.

Week 11 will be up in the coming days... FUCK!

THE SHEET®: Week 10

Headlines:

Deuce is a giant piece of shit.

And here's THE SHEET® for week 10. 

Enjoy.

Thursday Night Sheet-storm

It's

(+ 4)

@

Deuce is calling for Bear-blood, mainly because he longs for the days of the mid-80's.  No, not because it was the hey-day of Bears glory, but because he could shit himself and not have to be responsible for cleaning it up.  Don't you wish you could just go back?

Call it in the air...

THE SHEET®: Week 9 Results

So the gang attempted some kind of "Live" Diablog last night with damn near catastrophic results.  Let's just say that the whole idea of a blog damn near crumbled beneath of heaping pile of mama jokes, accusations of pedophilia, Sheet-slander, and a proclamation that Jay Cutler is a better quarterback than Matt Ryan.

Whoever won THE SHEET® this week, it doesn't really matter (it was Le Ginge and on a tie-break), so let us get to some of those low-lights, eh?

Go on...

THE SHEET®: Week 9

Read between the sheets.

Now that we got that baseball garbage out of the way (By the way did you hear?  The Yankees won number 27?  Not sure what 27 means... Apparently before our parents were even born, guys we've never seen play won a championship or two, as well).  And now that that sideshow has concluded we are faced with stark, sober reality: we have officially reached the middle point of the football season.  And that sucks.

To be truthful, I begin to freak out in Week 2, worrying that there are only 16 weeks of football remaining, once the initial high of Week 1 wears off.  And to be fair, the initial high of Week 1 wears off as soon as I drop my first fantasy matchup.  Which is typically in week 1, as well.

Of course, there is plenty of football that remains.  And when you include the playoffs, the numbers of football weeks remaining, outnumbers those that have passed us by.  However, this is merely a small dose of Alprazolam with which to defend against the ultra-anxiety induced by the barren months that follow completion of the NFL season in February.  Needless to say, the prescription is inadequate and I'M FREAKING OUT!!!

Breathe... Fantasy playoffs... Cheerleaders... Tom Brady... Drunk Sundays... Giving way to mandatory wake n bake Mondays... Breathe.

Take a hit... Be somebody, baby.

THE SHEET®: Week 8 Results

We're not huge fans of histrionics over here at The Delay, at least when it comes the standard.  Like a when a cornerback is in coverage and the ball sails out of bounds, out of the reach of the receiver.  Or when you hit a spot up 15-foot jumper.  Or when you get a 4th inning strike out that retires the side.

We like people to act like they've been there before, because they usually have.  And while we would like this to be the case all the time we understand that after a goal, touchdown, homer, or game-winner, that emotions can be difficult to control.  We still would appreciate a measure of stoicism

Which is why, based on this week's THE SHEET® results, I, b. Lee, would like to say:

FUCK YOU, ASSHOLES! ONE DOWN AND 9 MORE TO GO! THAT'S RIGHT! I'M WINNING OUT AND THERE AIN'T A DAMN THING ANY OF YOU FUCKS CAN DO ABOUT IT. WOOOOOOOOO!!!

Ahem, read it and weep, tough guys.  I AM THE SHEET®!

THE SHEET®: Week 8-Legged Freaks!

What are you supposed to be?


Ah yes, welcome to your first THE Gimmick SHEET® experience.  You will probably see at least two more of these before the season is through (god damn it, why'd you have to bring that up?), and I promise that they get better as we go along.

Well, not sure we can go that far, but they probably can't get any worse, right?  Comparatively speaking, of course.

Anyway, it is at least a break from the standard cock/gay/ginger/mama jokes that you are odrinarily accustomed to (at least until the responses come in), so there's something to be said for that, right?  No?  Well, go fuck yourself then.  Just make sure to keep the mask on, because even your own boner is frightened by that disaster area you call a face.

BOO!