I'mpostor

Torii's comments are interesting for a number of reasons.  First off, what is he even thinking?  I mean, we all have our interesting thoughts, and maybe they even make sense in our heads, but anytime we attempt to explain them to others, they just never seem to come out properly.  Torii didn't mean to lampoon his Latin teammates or anything like that.  He was merely acknowledging a real difference between African Americans and Latin Americans, and one that exists beyond skin color.

Go on...

Lisping Toward the Super Bowl

With Cole Hamels

Jeziz Chrisz, you guyzzz, can you believe that itzs Super Bowl time already?  I mean, I juszt feels like yeszterday when little white ballzs were flying toward my fazce... The horror!

j/k...

Go on...

Chicago's New Treat

We join some regular ol' Chicagoans down at Schatz' Deli on S. Wabash discussing the most recent Chicago-related news items.

Eh Jahn.


Eh Lerry.


Eh Stoo.


You guys hyear about this noo MAR-tza Bahll thing that's comin'a Chicahgow?


Nah Jahn.  Whatcha talkin' abaht?


Yeah, appearently dey're brginin'in some new Jooish thing/  They're cahllin it the Martz-a Bahll.


Martz-a Bahll?

Go on...

Practicin' with Spazzy McGee

BQ: WOOOOOO!!!

LET'S STRETCH IT OUT, BOYS!  YEAHHHHH!!!

Coach Mangini: All right, fellas, bring it in.

BQ: YEAHHH!!! LET'S CIRCLE IT THE FUCK UP.

THIS AIN'T A CIRCLE JERK, HOMOS, SO KEEP YOUR PANTS ON!

Go on...

Lisping Into the Offseason

With Cole Hamels

Jezsizs Chrizse...

I'm just so happy that thizs God awful bazeball zseason iz finally overrr.

I mean, you guyzs! Did you even see how bad I waz playing in thoze last few startzs?

Jeziz Chrize, you guyzs...

Go on...

Political Schill

Hi, I'm Curt Schilling. Maybe you remember me from such non-political affairs as the 2001 World Series, the 2004 World Series, the 2007 World Series, and of course, the Dennis and Callahan show. However, today I would like to speak with you about another pursuit that is near and dear to my heart; douche-wing politics.

Now, a lot of people ask me all the time, "Curt, you're merely the greatest post-season pitcher in MLB history. What makes you fit to hold political office.?" And I am always glad when I get this question, even if the answer is already blatantly obvious.

First off, I'm smarter than everyone. Can you not tell from my smug, pretentious manners that I'm pretty confident in my abilities to discern between good and bad, right and wrong, as well as my ability to sway your opinions so that in the end they will align with my own? I think you will have to agree. And, my friends, if Washington needs more of anything, it's arrogance and self-righteousness. For It i this kind of "outside-the-beltway" thinking that is going to get things moving in the right direction, you know?

Secondly, I'm better than everyone, most notably any liberal blowhard that has ever walked the earth. And you need me in Washington, so I can stand up to that tyrannical socialist who intends to erase all the positive gains that we made under the Reagan Administration when he dismantled the Welfare State. Rest in peace, Uncle Ron. Because if he doesn't think, pardon my language here, that his shit doesn't stink. Well, just wait until he gets a whiff of my magic muffins... Smells like pot roast.

And you know what else? I have guts. AMERICAN GUTS! I mean, did you not see what I did in game 6 of the ALCS back in 2004? Ted Kennedy couldn't fulfill his duties as Senator when all he had was a wee little brain tumor. Yet I'm out there pouring out my soul for the world to see. I can barely WALK, let alone pitch. Tell you what, if I ever have a tumor, doc, remove some of my skull to relieve the pressure, slap me in a wheelchair, and get me to the Capitol, okay? Because the enemies of America will not wait until I come off the DL to attack!

Lastly, Just look at my background. I was born in Alaska, single-handedly preventing the Reds from knocking down our door and ruining our freedom party. Then, once I'm satisfied that Ivan is gonna remain on his side of the Strait, I shoot down to Arizona, rifle in hand, ensuring that Manuel and company don't get any big ideas about free healthcare, since Paul Byrd and company are too busy trying to preserve the rights of illegals rather than those of our own American citizens.

Think about it... Alaska-Arizona. Where else have you witnessed such an inspirational combination?

That's right. Except this time, we will not be denied. Why not? Because look at me. I'm a fucking LEGEND. The people of Boston will drop their left-wing charade as soon as I step to the podium, because PEOPLE.. We got work to do. No way these Massholes will tolerate anymore free reign pinkoism from this NEIGHBOR in the White House.

The time is now, my friends. And so, I am throwing my hat into the ring so that I may fill the enormous void left by that overprivileged disgrace to our forefathers.

For more information, please my visit my new, political blog at www.45presidents.com.

It's not "Yes We Can" folks. It's "Yes We Will". And there ain't a damn thing anyone can do about it.

The Hyperbolic Chamber

The Tebow Incident



Reporter #1: Coach Spurrier, were you aware that Tim Tebow was left off of your preseason All-SEC ballot?

Ol' Ball Coach: Well, you see now, I left the job to my assistant, Jimmy. Now you all understand that I am a very busy man, and I can't be everywhere, signing every form, and wiping my own ass all by muhself. And so you see, I had my assistant fill out the ballot.

Reporter #2: Coach, is your assistant unaware of how truly amazing, and WORTHY Tim Tebow is?

Ol' Ball Coach: Now, hold on now. I assure you, that all of us here at Columbia fully appreciate the talents of Timmy. This was a simple mistake. Jimmy stated that there were already a bunch of Gators on the ballot, so he decided to shake things up a bit.

Reporter #3: Coach, has your assistant taken refuge in the Witness Protection Program?

Ol' Ball Coach: Now, I'm not sure what you're implying with that question, but I'm not sure I like it...

But either way, I let Jimmy know that we needed to get Timmy's name on that ballot, because of course, that is where he belongs.

Reporter #1: Coach, have you contacted the necessary parties in order to get the ballot changed?

Ol' Ball Coach: Indeed, I have. I called them up and asked if I could make a small change, and they have allowed us to do so.

Reporter #2: And did you decide to snub the greatest living athlete in the world, once again?

Ol' Ball Coach: Are we still talking about the same guy here? No, everything has been taken care of.

Reporter #3: Coach, are you aware that due to Lord Tebow's relationship with the almighty, he does not hold grudges, but rather has the ability to send the souls of enemies directly to hell?

Ol' Ball Coach: Okay, I think we're getting a little off topic here... I'm not sure why Timmy would need to hold a grudge in this instance. This whole mistake has been resolved.

Reporter #1: So, Tim Tebow's name has now been unanimously added to the preseason All-SEC team, is that correct, Coach?

Ol' Ball Coach: Yes, sir. That is correct. Now we can... MOVE on.

Reporter #2: Coach, when the ballot was being cast, was neither yourself, nor your assistant, truly aware that Tim Tebow is the greatest quarterback that has ever, or ever will, live?

Ol' Ball Coach: Well, Timmy certainly is a gifted quarterback and will most likely have a long, successful career for years to come, if that's what you mean.

Reporter #3: Coach, I believe what he means is that Tim Tebow is actually the Second Coming. You've heard of Touchdown Jesus, correct? Well, Jesus didn't end up in South Bend. He's down in Gainesville, right now.

Ol' Ball Coach: Well, I'm not much for blasphemy, but your zeal is, well... Interesting.

Reporter #1: Coach, are you at all afraid that you may have provided any bulletin board material for Tim Tebow and the Gators for your upcoming game in November?

Ol' Ball Coach: Look, now November is long ways away, and I'm sure that Tim isn't all that worried about his preseason ranking. I'm sure he is aware, and comfortable with his standing in the pantheon of college quarterbacks.

Reporter #2: But Coach, you are aware that even ultra-talented, super-attractive, intensely-admired quarterbacks still have feelings, correct?

Ol' Ball Coach: Well, I don't think Tim's feelings are hurt, as I just said...

Reporter #3: (Interrupting) Coach! Even demi-gods shed tears every now and again.

Ol' Ball Coach: Now, that's not even a question, for Christ's sake. I think everyone just needs to take a breath here.

Reporter #1: Coach, how much do you think you will lose by on November 14th? Current Vegas odds have you as a 20 point underdog. And that's on your home turf.

Ol' Ball Coach: Now that game is still looong ways away, and I think my team can compete with anyone in the country, so my money is on the Gamecocks.

Reporter #2: Coach, Vegas odds also have the over/under on Tim Tebow touchdowns for that game set to 12. You going with the over, or the under?

Ol' Ball Coach: 12?! You gotta be kidding me... UNDER!

Reporter #3: Coach, Vegas odds also have the over/under on South Carolina virgins impregnated during the game via Tebow's Divine Spirit set to 21. Over or under?

Ol' Ball Coach: Now wait just a got dang minute here. Tim Tebow is a self-professed virgin, and even if he wasn't, impregnating that many women in one night just ain't even possible.

Reporter #3: Tim Tebow will still be a virgin after the game, Coach. And impossible it would be, if he were human. However, it is His DIVINE SPIRIT that will be inseminating these women. So this is absolutely within the realm of possibility.

And I'm taking the over.

Ol' Ball Coach: Okay, that's enough of this craziness...

Reporter #1: One more question, coach!

Ol' Ball Coach: Okay, fine, but only because you're the only asking REASONABLE questions here.

Reporter #1: Thank you, coach.

Now, how many more mediocre seasons is it going to take before you get fired?

Ol' Ball Coach: That's it...


/Storms off the podium


(Muttering) Got damn bat shit crazy sunsabitches. I'm the got dang OL' BALL COACH. I don't need this NON-SENSE.

The Hyperbolic Chamber

SB:Hey there folks, and welcome back to baseball tonight!

Steve Berthiaume here with John Kruk, Fernando Vina, and Dave Winfield.

Lots of interesting story lines early on isn't that right, Kruky?

JK: You know, Steve, I think the BIGGEST issue I'm seeing is with the Cubs. I mean, 18 games into the season and they're a .500 ball club. I mean, they have a huge payroll, a great pitching staff, and very good lineup, but they just can't seem to get it together. I mean, they might not ever win another game.

SB: Thanks, Kruky. And now for some analysis of Derek Lee's struggles at the plate, we shoot over to Fernando Vina.

FV: THANKS, STEVIE! DEREK LEE IS REALLY STRUGGLING AT THE PLATE, AND IT LOOKS LIKE HIS ME, UH, MECHANICS ARE THE PROBLEM. IF YOU WATCH THE VIDEO HERE... YEAH, RIGHT HERE. LOOK! YOU SEE THAT RIGHT THERE! TH... AH, THAT'S THE PROBLEM. DEREK LEE KEEPS DROPPING HIS ELBOW AT THE LAST PLAU... AH, POSSIBLE MOMENT BEFORE THE BALL GETS TO THE PLATE... UH HUH...

SB: Yes... Ah, thanks, Fernando. Dave Winfield? What do you think about the Cubs struggles so far?

DW: Awwww yeah. Listen up everybody. So one time when I was on the road with the Padres, we were struggling early on. Back then, you see, we didn't have all these trainers, and I mean shoot, we didn't even have game film. I mean this was WAY back. But you see, what we DID have was a sassy girl by the name of Sheena G. Man, this woman would do WONDERS for our ball club. Two at a time... Three at a time... It just didn't matter...

SB: Okay, thank you, Da...

DW: Now hold on, young buck... What I am trying to say this is that all you need is some relaxation and focus. Sheena demanded performance just as big league baseball does. But in order to do so, you needed to be relaxed. And that's all these Cubbies need. A little relaxation, and some prostitution probably wouldn't hurt either.

SB: Thank you, gentlemen. Changing gears, we have a team on the other side of the league that appears to be unstoppable at the moment in the Boston Red Sox. Feranando, what has been the key to the Bo Sox success up to this point.

FV: PITCHING AND FIELDING, I MEAN, HITTING, STEVE. THESE GUYS WILL EITHER PITCH YOU TO DEATH OR HIT YOU TO DEATH. IF YOU LOOK AT THE JOSH BUCHOLZ, I MEAN, BECKETT, WE SEE THAT EVEN WITH HIS STRUGGLES, THE RED SOX JUST REFUSE TO LOSE. THEY MIGHT NEVER LOST ANOTHER GAME EVER AGAIN.

DW: And I would just to say that when I was in Boston, I used to visit the Lizard Lounge over in Cambridge, and let me just tell you, that was not just a clever name...

SB: Okay before that goes any farther, Kruky, what do you have to say about Boston?

JK: Best team ever, Steve. I don't want to hear about how "early" it is in the season, or about the early "struggles" of guys like Beckett and Lester. I have never seen such domination. And, I mean, what do they have now? 11 straight wins? I mean, like Fernando said, they might never lose another game ever again. They're just that amazing. Sorry, Yankee fans.

SB: Thanks, gentlemen. This just in, the Sox have lost to the Indians in the bottom of 9th on an error by Javier Lopez. Sorry Kruky.

(Unwitty Banter)

SB: Thanks for joining us tonight everybody. We will see you back here tomorrow. Please don't switch over to MLB Roundtripper because I promise you that it is even worse. Good night now!

The Hyperbolic Chamber

Mike Patrick here with DICKIE V! to bring you tonight's epic battle between the Tar Heels of North Carolina and representing the Kingdom of our lord Jesus, The Blue Devils of Duke!

FIRST HALF -

19:46: Hansbrough gets the jumper to draw first blood. THAT is going to make these Blue Devils angry, Dick. (2-0 Heels)

19:23: Henderson with a HUGE dunk! That shook the stadium right to it's core, Dick! I don't know if the Heels are going to be able to recover from that MONSTER bucket! (2-2)

15:50: Dick I am filing an appeal if this game doesn't get turned around and soon. This just doesn't make any sense and foul play is the ONLY explanation (14-6 Heels)

8:07: ANOTHER foul on Tyler Hansbrough! Dick they MUST have heard my warning because HERE COME THE BLUE ANGELS NOW! (31-26 Heels)

5:55: OH GOD! OH GOD! I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO BROADCAST DURING AN ORGASM AND NOW I KNOW! IS THIS THE RAPTURE, LORD? DUKE TAKES THE LEAD! (36-34 Angels)

0:02: LANCE THOMAS WITH THE CLINCHER! That's all she wrote, Dick. I just don't know if the evil Tar Heels are going to be able to come back from that first half BEATDOWN. (52-44 Army of Jesus).

SECOND HALF -

20:00: To be honest, Dick, I am absolutely SHOCKED that the Tar Heels are even returning to the floor after that demoralizing first half. Roy Williams must have had to BRIBE these poor bastards into coming back onto the floor against the unstoppable force which we call Duke. In fact, can we get an NCAA review of what just occurred in the North Carolina locker room?

14:54: Tyler Hansbrough scores AGAIN! Where did the refs go, Dick? This just doesn't seem possible. FUCK. (58-58)

14:16: Oh praise Jesus! Kyle Singler, the white knight himself, NAILS a three-pointer to send the good guys SURGING back into the lead! (61-58 God's Children)

10:24: Come on Ref! Get the game under control! I can't believe this Dick. This is APPALLING.

DV!: Ah, Mike you know I think we should try and be a little bit objec...

MP: OH STOP IT, Dick! The good book teaches us that when we encounter injustice we must point it out, and on this court, SATAN is pulling the strings. (69-65 Heels)

6:03: You know, Dick. Sometimes I have to question my faith. Sometimes down is up and up is down. Is there a God, Dick? ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION. (83-71 Heels)

3:05: There is no God. I can't watch any longer. I am COMPLETELY flaccid. Fuck this. She's all yours Dick...

/Storms off the floor

(90-74 Heels)

/Dickie V! steps to the mic

3:04: Loud noises... Non-sense... Etc...

Darkness reigns at Cameron Indoor.