Worst to First #22... #21.. and #20

The pre-season has begun and our collective semi-bone is creating a bulge that neither sandbags nor concrete dam could prevent from exploding in less than a month's time. With that said, allow us to stroke the fire, so to speak, and preview all 32 teams. Beginning with who we think will suck the most, and ending with who we think will suck the best.

b Lee, please expedite.


The Seedy Underbelly



Deuce and I realized that we are currently off the pace to complete this enormously terrible idea prior to the first game of the season, so rather than scrapping the whole idea mid-stream (as is Deuce's MO), we decided to come up with new and inventive ways to get this square peg into the got dang round hole. Which is why we are going to be covering all the non-Patriots teams that make up the AFC East in this singular post.

So, let's get to it.

Next to the ugliness that was the AFC West, there wasn't a bigger clusterfuck than the AFC East last year. Three teams were all competing for one playoff spot, and nothing was decided until 7PM EDT on the final Sunday of the season. Otherwise known as the day when BFF's career should have ended... But like for real this time.

Yep, if good ol' cocksucker wasn't so shitty and, I don't know, didn't throw maybe the worst INT of his life, then the Patriots would have been in the playoffs, CC Pennington would have never gotten the opportunity to embarrass himself, and perhaps Matt Cassel would have been worth more than a second round pick. But let's not dwell on the Pats (or the past), for they will be covered later on, MUCH further on down the line.

Instead we will focus on the Race for Runner-Up. Which one of these competitive, yet undeniably incomplete teams will finish second in the AFC East?

My guess is the Dolphins (#22) pick up right where they left off; getting worked. No one was ready for these assholes last year. Pennington had something to prove, a new coach inspired some confidence in an already cocky unit, and then there was that fucking wildcat which single-handedly ended nearly 50% of all survivors in Suicide Leagues across the world in week 3. Bastards.

Problem is, if you put the game in Pennington's hands by loading the box, then, well, you see what happens. CC had fantastic protection and actually threw for more yards than Romo, Ryan, and BFF. But to be fair, the Dolphins benefited from having the easiest schedule in the league in 2008, and even as the season progressed, their ability to put points on the board became an issue (with the exception of putting up 38 points against the god awful Chiefs in week 16.... A game in which they also allowed 31 points against those same god awful Chiefs).

And rather than boosting their offense in the offseason, management unsurprisingly, yet ill-advisedly went all defense. The Dolphins still do not have a number 1 receiver, their quarterback can't throw the ball more than 20 yards, and worst of all, everyone now knows what to expect. Dolphins finish last in the East this year.


But the Jets (#21) won't be much better. Sanchez will probably be just as good as BFF. Meaning he will make forced and unforced errors throughout the course of the season while he adapts to the speed and sophistication of NFL defenses. And without some serious help from T. Jones and company, the Jets offense could be in for a seriously long season.

Sure, the defense has improved with the addition of Bart Scott, Lite Shepherd, and of course, a coach named Ryan. But, if the offense can't stay on the field, then the defense will only hold up for so long. And although it bears some resemblance, a Baltimore defense the Jets do not have. Not yet anyway. After all, in 2008 the Jets defense was on par with the Cincinnati Bengals defense, unless you're talking passing defense... The Bengals had a way better season than the Jets did in that category, as did most of the league.

But honestly, if the Jets went 10-6 with a rookie quarterback it would make me happy, if only for how bad the Vikings decision would look in relation.


And lastly, those sad bastard Bills (#20). Haven't seen the Weekly Bills in a while, and that's mainly because our favorite Bills fan is too busy building up a mountain of expectation for the upcoming season, like the good delusionist that he is. Which basically describes ALL Bills fans are for that matter.

Maybe you haven't heard, but the Bills landed TO in the offseason. Yes, sir. In perhaps the the biggest WTF? moment of the entire year, the Bills finally added a wide receiver that could be a viable, non-season-threatening fantasy option. And this addition should significantly improve the 25th best offense in the league... But by how much?

The good news is that JP Losman is gone for good. The question is, what the fuck took so long? Every time he was on the field, he made everyone worse, with the exception of the opposing defense. He made them better. Now when Trent Edwards gets hurt, he's got fuckin Fitzy from Hahvid to back him up. So that's an... upgrade?

For real, the Bills could put something reasonable together this year. Their young defense should improve this season with the return of a healthy Paul Posluszny, Jabari Greer, and (hopefully) Aaron Schobel. With Terrence McGee holding down one side of the backfield, the Bills should see some improvement from the likes of Leodis McKelvin who stepped in for an injured Greer last year.

The biggest question mark is going to be the offensive line, however. Even with a possession guy like TO and a BEAST like Marshawn, if Edwards doesn't have the time nor Marshawn the lanes, than a stalled offense is what we will witness once again.

Donk the Honkey is convinced that the Bills are winning the division this year as soon as Tom Brady blows out his knee again.

The only thing I'm convinced of is that the Bills, sooner or later, are moving to Toronto.