A Haters Guide to the 2009 World Series

"The world needs haters.  Without them, we'd be face with a society of people walking around, consistently feeling good about themselves."

- Deuce

Because the teams sponsored here at FSD have both been bounced from the playoffs and/or never made it, and in lieu of the fact that we must pick a team to support, we are choosing to say "fuck it." If we are gonna be forced (in the end) to lend our support to some unworthy collection of jagmuffs, then we will not do so without a fight! And so without any additional delay, let us introduce the detestable candidates!

Rachel Alexandra

Why they are unworthy of your support:  Because Cole Hamels is a rich man's Barry Zito (ironic considering Zito's contract), right down to the namby-pamby, floppy-haired lack of machisimo.

Because of El Pedro getting the USC treatment in Game 2.

Because Jim Thome is NOT playing in the World Series. Again...

Because of the unbridled misery that characterizes Philly Fans, and the potential compromising of that characteristic that follows from back-to-back titles.

Why they are worthy of your support:  Because of their entire outfield, in lieu of Jayson Werth's prominent(ly awesome) soul patch.

Because of their entire infield, despite Jimmy Rollins' inflated sense of self-worth and fantasy value.

Because did we mention their entire outfield?

Brad Lidge's potential Farewell Tour.

Because their (miserable) fans will actually be in the stadium once the first pitch is thrown.


The New Underdog

Why they are unworthy of your support:  Because of Nick Swisher's smug face, and Joba's angry face,and A-Rod's O-face.

In fact, because of everything about A-Rod (though it should go without saying).

Because of the bibliography of poon that Derek Jeter has dipped his wick into

And because of how jealous of that we are.

Because of Rivera's 8th kills buzzkills

Because of obligatory shots of Steinbrenner the Elder's wax figure in the owner's box.

Because, "Oh my god!  The Yankees haven't been in the World Series in SIX. WHOLE. YEARS!"  Remember the last time the Orioles were in the World Series?  How about the Pirates?  The Brewers?  Okay then, shut the fuck up.

Why they are worth of your support:  Because they're no the Angels and they don't have a Rally Monkey

Because of Rivera with runners on and less than 2 outs in the 8th and its buzz-creation capabilities

Because of shots of Kate Hudson and Minka Kelly at Yankee Stadium.

Because of Matsui's exquisite taste in porn

Faux Sports and the World Series in general

Why they are unworthy of your support:  Because Tim McCarver talks like USA Today reporters write

Because of the montage

Because of Zoomer or Scooter or Slider or Boner or whatever that stupid talking baseball is called

And because of the 2-3-2 series format

Because, like, isn't hockey on or something?

Why they are worthy of your support:  Because of Ozzie Guillen: First studio analyst to be trilingual in Spanish, profanity, and Slanglish.

Because two former Indian (ha!) southpaws are starting Game 1 and because of how fucking sadlarious that is.

Because McCarver reminds you of the man with dementia you read stories to at the Nursing Home and that makes you a good person

Because it could be worse. It could be Joe Morgan...

And because did we mention Ozzie Guillen?


Enjoy the show, y'all!