Countdown to 2010... Hospitality Edition

As your may or may not know, the extraodinarily dangerous (oh, and beautiful) country of South Africa will be hosting the World Cup in the summer of 2010. This asshole plans on attending so long as this site starts bringing the appropriate level of advertising revenue. So far we're off to a bad start, but a man can dream, right? Tickets are already on sale as we speak (well, the lottery for tickets is underway), and South Africa is encouraging their citizens to be great hosts. How? Glad you asked! The 2010 Local Organising Committee, the International Marketing Council of South Africa (IMC) and South African Tourism have put their heads together and come up with six ways in which you can be a great 2009 and 2010 host. Here goes (probably) nothing:

1. Be informed

Know what's going down in your own backyard. For pretty much everything you might need to know - about the teams, the venues, the dates, the host cities, the work that's going in to get the country geared - check out:

• Fifa 2009 website
• Fifa 2010 website
• SA government 2010 website
• SA Tourism 2010 website
• 2010 good news
• 2010 readiness updates

2. Support our country

Learn to sing the national anthem. Fly the national flag. We're footballing into the future - don't be left behind!

3. Support our team, support our players

We did it in 1996, and Bafana Bafana came out of international isolation to win the African Cup of Nations. Co-hosts South Korea got behind their team in 2002, and their team responded by upsetting favourites Spain in the quarterfinals to become the first Asian team to reach the World Cup semifinals.

Germany did the same in 2006, and their team - previously written off at home and abroad - went as far as extra time in the semifinals before bowing out to eventual tournament winners Italy.

4. Learn to blow a vuvuzela ...

... Get yourself a makarapa. Wear a Zakumi badge. Follow the games. Talk about them over a pap 'n vleis braai. Get interested. Do any of these things in the spirit of Bafana, and you can count yourself a Bafana Bafana fan!

5. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO to a game!

Buy yourself and your kids/granddad/partner/buddy tickets to a Confederations Cup match. Maybe you're the CEO? Buy tickets for your staff - it'll be the best (and cheapest) corporate bonding outing you ever organise!

And when you go to a game, gents, it's time to ...

6. Do things THE RIGHT WAY

• Get to the stadium an hour before the game.
• Check your ticket, know your number, and sit in your designated seat.
• Don't use the steps as seats.
• Don't bring bottles or other "cellular" to the stadium (if you know what we're talking about, then we're talking to you!)

Since just as many South Africans will read and follow these tips as will read this here blog, allow me to throw a couple more recommendations out there:

1. Try not to murder, rape, or assault your guest

• That's right! Although South Africa is one of the top-ranked (or is it bottom-ranked?) countries in the world with respect to crime, these actions are, in fact, a terrible way to make your guest feel at home in your country. We would encourage you to be as peaceful and polite as possible. Besides, if you kill everyone, then how are going to be able to mug them on future visits?

2. Caring is Sharing, but HIV is for you, and you alone

• While you will surely encounter many, MANY horny internationals that are eager to sample the exotic... cuisine of your rich culture, just know (ladies) that the more contained the virus is, the better off everyone is. And for you guys, women from other countries tend to just be afraid of you. Perhaps this is due to your large... muscles. So please feel free to flirt, but do draw a line in the sand. Unless you encounter a Spaniard, then you are free to do what you will.

3. And lastly, not all whiteys are created the same

• Sure, Apartheid was a terrible practice perpetrated by paternalist, racist douchebags hiding behind a guise of civilized culture and progress, but let's be honest, not ALL of us would have done the same thing. Just the pig-fuckers who strolled in from the Netherlands. So the next time I, or somebody else, refuses to throw a few rands your way, please don't accuse me of having a hand in your past and/or current state of affairs. I'm just a middle class white boy from America who's trying to enjoy your fine country without ending up buried in a township ravine.

That's it for now. So read through these and get practicing! The events are only a year away, and you've got work to do. Can't wait to see the progress you've made. Until then, hang in there! And I still don't know what the fuck a Vuvuzela is!

One Big Halladay

or

Why Roy Halladay is the Best Pitcher Alive:

My personal philosophy is that Roy Halladay's dominance goes under appreciated because of how damn consistent he's been, and how irrelevant the "Fourth Place Jays" have been for the better part of his career. But while other ace pitchers have up-and-down years, battle injuries, become closers then starters and then closers again...Halladay just keeps hurling. No mound theatrics, no attention-grabbing bravado. Just a quiet focus and commitment on winning. Man is as damn professional as they come, and equally surgical in his attack on hitters. Halladay is always the first pitcher I select in a fantasy draft, and not only because of the CG's. There's not a guy in baseball today I'd rather watch pitch, and there's not a guy in baseball I feel less confident in fouling a pitch off against. My favorite part of this guy? How much he craves finishing each game he starts. I took the angry pants off today, so enjoy it Roy.

Did you know that Roy Halladay...

• In the nine seasons that he has thrown at least 100 innings, has only had an ERA over 4.00 once...


• ...and UNDER 3.00 three times.


• has struck out 1336 batters in his 11 seasons; which is 28 more than the number of walks, home runs and earned runs given up COMBINED (1308).


• has lost more than 8 games only once in his career.


• has thrown 41 complete games; 15% of his career starts have gone the distance.


• since 2002, leads the AL in winning percentage (.698), wins (113, for an average of 18.9 per season), shutouts (9), complete games (37) and innings per start (7.14).


• Has 25 consecutive starts in which he's earned a decision.

He's only received a single Cy Young Award. But nobody has been more reliable, more old-school, more intense, more loyal and more under-the-radar than Roy Halladay this decade. Recognize, enjoy and drop some homage to the best pitcher alive.

Now back to your regularly scheduled snark and bile.

How to Lose Money and Alienate People

"You don't know when to quit, do ya Griswold?... Here's an idea: Why don't you give me half the money you were gonna bet, then we'll go out back, I'll kick you in the nuts, and we'll call it a day!"

Because the Gray's Sports Almanac does not actually exist, many 21st century fanatics (like myself) who need a little extra spice added to our sports love-making regularly wager our hard-earned (and occasionally stolen) money on the outcome of sporting events and/or seasons. It's a truly remarkable viewing-enhancing substance, this gambling. Nothing can make a Raptors/Kings ABC Game-of-the-Week at 9 AM on Saturday morning more interesting than a nice little $10 parlay. (By the way, don't you EVER bet on the Kings. Ever).

Most people don't actually bet on sports to win money. Hopefully because most people I know aren't arrogant enough to believe they are smarter and more educated and insightful about Team X than a Vegas oddsmaker who, you know, does this for a living. Most people I know bet on sports because it makes the game more interesting, and occasionally validates that you, as a geeked-out fan, might actually know a thing or two about your favorite sport/team/athlete/golfer/animal/motorized vehicle/golfer. That way if you win, you can move forward acting like an arrogant prick much smarter, more educated and insightful than any toolbag in some square cubicle who, you know, does this for a living!

Though, if you're trying to avoid that "just-been-kicked-in-the-nuts" feeling come this NFL season (is it still only May?!), I provide you with the early Over/Under Win Totals for each NFL team this season, complete with my Picks-to-Click to help you turn that $20 into $38.94 from Bodog. I'm just gonna link to the O/U's, and provide my commentary below. Not all teams will be treated equally, because who gives a dogshit about the Bucs anyways?

http://www.lasvegassun.com/blogs/sports/2009/apr/27/betting-lines-posted-nfl-team-season-wins/


Bengals UNDER 5.5 wins

I've got early money on the Bengals as the worst team in the NFL this year. They lost their best/only reliable offensive weapon and are riding the Ced Benson Experience in the backfield. Despite a strong draft, Chad 85's virtual insanity, Marvin Lewis' chop job and an abyssmal defense get Cincy 5 wins...maybe.

Dolphins UNDER 8 wins

This offense got exposed last season when the Wildcat became less cool! and innovative! and more predictable and gimmicky. They've got a difficult schedule and Chad Pennington still has the arm of a schoolchild.

Vikings OVER 8.5 wins

Sans BFF, of course. If there's a BFF sighting in St. Paul, I retract this statement and would like to go on record with a 7 win prediction for the Queens. Best player and best defense in the division OUGHT to be good for an above .500 season. Ought to.

Eagles OVER 9 wins

While all their division opponents were either subtracting valuable players or pissing off valuable players, the Eagles added Pro-Bowlers and game-changers. It feels like McNabb's Last Stand in Philly, and double-digit wins seems likely.

Jets UNDER 8 wins

Because, DAMN this is a shitty and disarray-ed football team. Kellen Clemens? Yikes.

Other potential tantalyzing wagers:

Broncos over 7.5 (Neckbeard Vindication)

Raiders under 5.5

Steelers over 10.5.

Now go out there and win yourself some money and pride! And if not, make sure to come on back here. I just bought some steel-toed boots...

You're Not Wrong...

You're just a bad parent, Ernest Provetti.

Seriously, why on earth would you need an apology for that? Maybe if you were watching out for your son, instead of being so wrapped up in the game, you would have had the wits about you to shield your son from the 300 pound gentleman, tumbling in your direction.

The second reason you are a bad father, is that you're teaching your son to be a BIG pussy. Shit happens, friend. After you get cut off on the road, do you follow the driver to their destination and demand an apology for the perceived slight? Do you have that much time on your hands? Are you that temperamental? Or, do you just love the justice that an apology can restore? Glen Davis just hit the biggest shot of his LIFE, and sorry if he cannot be held responsible for his actions afterward. Hopefully in time he can check his emotions, but it was like the dude just busted his first nut. Forgive him for glowing.

So your son got bumped. He might have a small bruise. Your fucking newborn baby didn't just get stepped on. But it wouldn't surprise me if you were dumb enough to bring your preemie to sit courtside, considering your recent slide into ridiculous actions. And now your son should be rightfully picked on at school for daddy coming to his rescue and demanding an apology for "excessive celebration." You probably let him sit at the bar before the game don't you? And when you go to the zoo, do you let him stick his arms into the polar bear cage?

Too bad the NBA cares so much, otherwise Big Baby wouldn't have been forced to apologize by David Stern, and we could all laugh at what a self-righteous prick you are. I'm still gonna go ahead and do it anyway.

Happy Baby Mama Day Y'all

Now I know it's a little late. I know this. But usually I'm always on time. I come at just the right time. I've had a lot of practice and I pride myself on bein' a professional. It's the girls that always be late.

Late as in...

"It's late. Can I just sleep here tonight?"

"My period is late."

"Lately, my mood is just up and down cause you got me pregnant."

Just the other day, the judge tol' me that I was late. I said, "Late for what?" He said, "On yuh chile support." I said, "Hell naw. I just ain't payin."

But anyway, I never understood "Mama Day", cause I mean, without daddy, they ain't no mamas. And without people like myself, well, let's just say their would be a whole lot fewer mamas out there that be celebratin' today. So from now on, I don't celebrate Mama Day. I mean, I love my mama, but does she really deserve her own day? I just don't know about that.

So from now on, I don't call it Mama Day. I call it "Daddy Day". And in honor of this day, I gotta go get my celebration on. Here's a few condoms for yourself, I ain't gon be needin em where I'm goin...

Why Hockey is... You know

Awesome.



This would be the hockey version of an alley oop... Because in basketball, they can just feel so contrived. Especially when Lebron James is involved.