This is Manny...

Manny had Bitch Tits.

My name is Manny.

I was a juicer. You know, using steroids. HCG, then hormonal therapy, they use for expecting mothers for Christ sakes. And now I'm bankrupt, I'm divorced, my two grown kids won't even return my calls...

They're gonna have to open my pecs again to drain the fluid.

I'm still a man...

I am not sure if this speaks to the slow nature of baseball, or if it is simply because Manny is the first REAL name to be caught in a drug test for PED's, but I did at least want to add to the hype a little more, even though we reached saturation point at about 7PM EDT on Thursday.

But what I'm really here to do is give you the real story.

The long hair?

The bizarre attempt to say this was being used for personal, medical reasons and not for performance enhancement?

The move to California?

It all speaks to one singular, unequviocal fact:

Manny Ramirez will soon be undergoing a sex change operation.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Allow me to introduce...

The Mangina.

The QB That Dare Not Speak His Name Or:

How I learned to stop worrying and just hate the bastard.


Let me tell you a little about our BFF...

Our BFF is a raging douchebag.

He acts like a little ol' golly gee shucks country boy, who doesn't know any better. But let's face it, a pile of shit is a pile of shit whether it was dropped off on a farm or on a metropolitan avenue.

Our BFF also happens to be a liar.

He tells you one thing, and then you believe me because well, look how he dumb he is! He could never pull one over on some sharp cats like us... But then he does, again and again, and we fall for it each and every time.

People consider our BFF to be one of the greatest football players of all-time.

He has great stats. But he also has terrible stats. To be fair, he is also one of the worst football players of all-time and has even cost at least one coach his job.

Our BFF is sometimes referred to as a "Gunslinger".

The reason for this is because of is ornery personality and his penchant for choking in the clutch, but not because he has any history of ever actually having slung guns.

Our BFF is also referred to as a "Cumbubbler", a "Cocksucker", a "Phony excuse for a human being", and potentially a "Baby-Killer".

The reason for this is because he is in fact, ALL of the above.

Our BFF is not welcome in his (soon-to-be) new home.

The people there have hated him forever. But since their home team has sucked forever, they will probably come to love him. Until he undoubtedly destroys their season sometime around week 15... Or earlier.

Our BFF is only welcome in one place.

These people still fucking LOVE him, even though he attempted to sabotage their efforts to replace him and even provided inside tips to divisional opponents during the previous season. As fate would have it, those tips were of no help. But love him they still do... Because they're dumb.

Our BFF has a name, but you will never see it mentioned on this blog.

He is not worthy of having a human name any longer, because he is not a human. He is a flaming bag of douche, and will be referred to in kind. Besides, BFF is close enough.

For more info on our BFF, please consult the BFF homepage.

Fuck you, BFF.

Proprietary Non-Sense In Our Nation's Capital

Some disturbing news from the "Our home fans suck, so we have to artificially tip the scales in their favor" file. According to the Washington Post Capitals majority owner Ted Leonsis has restricted ticket sales for the Penguins-Capitals series to to a specific district encompassing the "states" of Maryland, DC, and Virginia. And the dicksucker sees no problem with this:

"... I don't feel any shame in this. I think I'm doing exactly the right thing, and I don't feel I need to apologize. There's other franchises and other teams that want to sell tickets, and really don't care who they sell it to. But frankly, I do, and I think I'm doing the right thing the right way."

You see what the problem is Ted, is that other owners either A) don't need to worry about who buys their tickets because they have loyal fans who support their hometown team or B) face up to the fact that, although their team finished 2nd in the conference, their fans suck and deserve to lose home ice advantage.

The San Diego Chargers pulled a similar tactic during the 2007 playoffs. It didn't work out in their favor, and if I believed in bullshit, I'd say that this is karma at work. But I think it has more to do with an incomplete team spurring owner's insecurity toward cowardly business practices.

With the exception of season ticketholders, everyone has the same opportunity to purchase tickets for a playoff games. Assuming that the home team has a decent amount of season ticketholders and that Penguins fans are more concerned about buying tickets for games closer to their geographical location, then the ratio of hometown fans to visiting fans should be fairly secure. And what the fuck? If I live in Florida, but happen to be a lifetime Caps fan, then I can only buy tickets from some scumbag DC scalper? Buuuullshit.

How to think this one through, Ted. You think you're doing yourself and your fans a favor, but you're only expressing a lack of faith in your valued possession as well as your clientele. Pussy.

Psychoanalytic Musings with Dr. b. Lee

On Confidence and the Cool; Pierce vs. Pacquiao

On Saturday night two victors walked off the stage and into their respective locker rooms. One with a scowl and the other with a smile. Performers have different ways of "getting up" for competition. They also have different dispositions during competition. Some people are all business; "doing their job" without even noticing the crowd and letting the ball, their fists, or their all-around play do the talking. Others use the crowd as a sort of weapon, wielding it against their opponent, while verbal jabs are hurled at opponents on and off the field of play.

Why is that athletes behave in either fashion? Some maintain a more reserved appearance while others visibly react to everything and seemingly need to add something extra to the game, whether it is in the form of talking trash or general theatrics. And is one approach better than the other? Is one more detrimental to the health of an individual competition or to the game at large? And is one approach more beneficial than the other, or in other words, is one approach "more fun"?

Prior to taking the ring in last Saturday's fight against Ricky Hatton, the cameras closed in on Manny Pacquio before he made his entrance. Typically a fighter will have a stern look of determination on their face prior to a bout, feeling the need to stay focused. However, when we see Pacquiao, he is grinning from ear to ear. It's as if he were about to take part in a parade rather than a boxing match. He was perfectly calm, serene even, yet ready, and apparently, absolutely confident.

Basketball players also seem to oscillate between these two extremes. Sometimes during the pre-game shoot around you see players stone-faced, getting mentally prepared for the game. Other times you can see players clowning around as if it were just another shoot around before practice, perhaps trying to work out the butterflies. But, rarely will you see the kind of "just happy to be here" look that we witnessed on the face on Pacquiao prior to the fight.

Normally, an argument would be, "Well, Sport A does not require the same kind of intensity and mental strength as a basketball game." But, in this case we're talking about boxing. If any sport required intensity, mental strength, and execution, boxing would most likely be at the extreme. However, Pacquiao seemed to rise above this. During the Pacquiao vs. Hatton 24/7 series, the majority of the barbs were slung from the Hatton camp. However, Pacquiao's side remained calm and relatively silent in the face of this assault. What is more, is that this onslaught did not seem to fire up Manny at all. There was no "bulletin board" material for Pacquiao, perhaps because he didn't want it. But probably because he didn't need it.

Maybe Pacquiao is just a transcendent figure, so wrapped up in his faith and his preparation that the outside world and his opponent do not even seem to exist prior to fight night. He doesn't need fodder or any extra motivation. He just needs to get himself ready.

Does such a figure exist in basketball? Or is basketball simply a different animal. Trash seems to be a part of basketball. You always need to get an edge on an opponent, one way or another, and mind games are a part of that. But, I do not think this plays as big of a role as some would like to believe. More often than not, the trash, or the histrionics appear to be more aimed at drawing positive attention to the actor, rather than negative attention to the actor's opponent. This hearkens back to a previous piece on the dispositions and tendencies of Kobe and TO.

Recall game 6 of the Bulls-Celtics series; Pierce starts to get warm in the 4th quarter; hitting back-to-back shots and putting the Celts up by 8 with under 4 minutes to go. As soon as he hits the latter of these shots, he turns to the Bulls bench and barks at them. Now, what competitive advantage is gained by such a tactic? Clearly not much, considering the fact that Chicago ended up winning the game. And more globally, how did this improve the game at all? Did it add more excitement to the game, or more "fun"?
Or was there a negative effect? Did Pierce lose concentration? By focusing on the yapdogs on Chicago's bench, did Pierce take his mind off the game, in turn helping Chicago recover and force the game into overtime? Of course, there is no way of knowing this, but it is difficult to see any benefit in jawing with people who are not even in the game to begin with. Sometimes of course a player needs fuel to get going. Someone from the crowd says something, maybe someone on the other team says something, and like a switch, the player starts performing. But again, this would also seem to argue against this whole concept of talking trash, for the opponent was aided by such a tactic.

Instead, maybe if Pierce kept his focus on the court, against his actual opponents, then maybe he bottles that fire, plays defense a little harder, and the Celts finish the series in 6, as opposed to 7 games. Or maybe, Pierce requires this release, either for his own personal need for attention, or perhaps because without this release he ends up committing a hard foul.

Or, perhaps basketball simply attracts this disposition; ostentatious athletes with a knack for theatrics in addition to making big shots. Basketball today is simply an outgrowth of its players, rather than an independent framework within which the players are forced to work. Talking trash isn't necessarily a part of the game (although Larry Bird and Michael Jordan were doing it in the 80's), but it has become one due to the nature of the games' actors. But this theory would seem too cookie-cutter, and would not take into account silent assassins such as the JZA.

Considering the history of boxing, the history of the pomp and circumstance, and the seeming necessity for boxers, their trainers, and promoters to talk and talk all the way up to fight night, Manny Pacquiao is surely an aberration. But, this cannot be considered a bad thing. If trash talk and promotions were all that mattered, then why would the fight even take place? People do not pay $50 to hear Don King speak, they do so to watch the fight.

The point is that in order to enjoy an event, trash talk and/or grandiose displays of selfishness are not necessary to the overall enjoyment level of the game. Sure, if Josh Smith threw down that between the legs dunk against the Heat, it would have been cool. Maybe the Heat even would have stepped up and not been so awful in game 7. There is no way of knowing. But one thing is for sure, no matter how much you talk, or dance, or scowl, it all comes down to execution, and execution stands on it's own. I'd rather watch Pacquiao smile his way in and out of the ring any day of the week, rather than watch a loser dance and jaw his way into the loss column.

It Is Finished. . .

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HEADLINES. . . !

Arkansas athletics struggling to find willing opponents for upcoming season in wake of Swine Flu epidemic


Commissioner Bettman thrilled to know that Internet porn will not be necessary over the next 4-7 Penguins-Capitals games


ESPN apparently unaware that Joakim Noah is WICKED UGLY


New England Patriots stock-piling draft picks, placing them in underground bunker, just in case this 'Swine Flu Shit" really hits the fan


Millions of Rays' fans witness Matt Garza toss a near no-hitter... From their living rooms.


Tracy McGrady happy his teammates could finally get him to the second round of the playoffs.


Al Davis on alleged Michael Crabtree snub: 'Everyone knows there is no such thing as a crab tree"


Chicago Bulls basketball fans wondering when Coach Del Negro is finally going to give Michael some playing time


Zach Greinke depressed by how feeble hitters are against him


A Rod's mother took steroids while pregnant... With A Rod.


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