Shame on you, Big East

Once upon a time, the Big East Conference Tournament epitomized endurance, testicular fortitude, discipline and leadership. Any team, regardless of their regular season, could seemingly walk into Madison Square Garden and simply out-elbow, out-hustle and out-play everyone else while making a run to the title, and ultimately the Big Dance.

This tournament used to be a 4 day gauntlet of bloodshed and bruises. Point guards hit the floor as often as the roundball did. God, I vividly remember the days of Chevon Troutman from Pitt and Craig Smith of BC engaging in the most legal form of a street fight in the paint, in the quarterfinals no less! Or Boeheim and Calhoun glaring at each other as if their hatred alone could cause the other to combust.

Pitt and the 'Cuse somehow always managed to make it to the end, St. John's always sucked despite the "home court advantage" and MSG was always rockin'. Bitter rivalries were realized amongst players and coaches, schools and cities. There were no easy games, no cake walks. The strong survived, and the weak were not even invited. Every 40 minutes on that court in NYC was an absolute dogfight. And it was glorious.

Now, wipe a tear away from your eyes if you're an alum of a Big East school circa 1990-2000, and enjoy watching DePaul and it's 0 (ZERO!) conference wins take the court this morning. Or perhaps you'll be saving your energy for the sure barnburner between long-time rivals Seton Hall and South Florida later today. While the Lou'villes and Novas and Pitt' and UCONNs of the conference wait patiently for their chance to embarrass a Harangody and waltz to the finals.

That's right...a top 4 seed needs to win exactly 2 games to get a shot at the conference title. But hey, now EVERYONE gets to play, right? Meh. Bloodbath? More like bubblebath. Get your act together, Big East. Or else I'll have to dig up some old Denham Brown highlight reels...

Buck's Buckin...

That's a shot of my man Smooth B, looking well, not so smooth. But if I had to play against Trevor Ariza and the Shit Show, well I'd probably lose my cool, too. "Fights" like this seem to break out every so often. Rarely are punches thrown, but most of the time, we are thankful for that (remember those "punches" Shaq threw at Brad Miller several years back?).

Most of the time dudes just like to jaw at one another during these little get-togethers. One has to wonder why this is? Is it because they are simply clear-headed, knowing that if they do throw a punch, they could be suspended for a significant period of time, in turn hurting their squad? Or, is it because they really just do not want to fight? Even in hockey the dudes that are clearly not fighters, are still forced into it, and sometimes, with hilarious results. So, since I've turned this sight into a haven for hockey dorks, and since I am actually just curious, would basketball benefit at all from allowing fights to occur on the court? Two men, no outside interference, bench players still have to remain on the bench, and as soon as someone goes down, then the fight is over.

Now, obviously this has the potential to be greatly exploited. Enforcers being brought into the NBA to take out the opposing team's superstars while airborne, etc. But, was not this the purpose of Charles Oakley on the Bulls? To look after Jordan just in case anything hit the fan? Now, I understand the notion is by and large ridiculous, BUT, if such fights were allowed, then couldn't we see a drop in these hard fouls? For example, would Ariza perhaps have thought twice about the foul, if he knew a former gold glove boxer were on Portland's bench?

Look, I just think it would be a lot more interesting than 10 dudes all gathered around each other just squawking at one another, pretending to be hard, when we all know the game. Make yourself look tough, because on the hardcourt, you will never have to actually prove it.

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/recap?gameId=290309022

TO Ron TO

JP Edwards?!

Trent Losman?!

Nah, they don't even play football, man...

You're kidding me, right?



Who's that?

Man, you and I know, there ain't no quarterback in the NFL named "JP".

Now, who's that dude?

Ain't no quarterbacks named "Trent"... Well, now that you mention it, he used to play for the Chiefs, right? Yeah he's the dude with all them concussions.

Dude's like 40 years old?!

Oh... other Trent. What OTHER Trent?!

Drew...

DREW!? I'm talking to you, man!

You're kidding me, right?!

These guys?

These guys are...


My Quarterbacks?!

They're my QUARTERBACKS!?!

.... It's not FAIR!

Why Hockey is Better than Your Favorite Sport

Because of the Original Six (that no longer sux)

Montreal Canadiens
Boston Bruins
Toronto Maple Leafs
New York Rangers
Chicago Blackhawks
Detroit Red Wings

The NHL's answer to the Packers-Bears, Sox-Yanx, Celtics-Lakers, and Liberty-Mercury.

Two of these teams will meet this weekend when the Bruins host the Blackhawks which will be sure to feature at least 5 elite, young stars and one ancient, yet serviceable veteran. Boston and hockey fans in general should be buzzing for this one, especially considering what happened the last time these two teams played:



Jesus...

Koci doesn't play for the Hawks anymore, and these two teams have played since this little skirmish. Those details aside, we should see some impressive display of skill, and hopefully, some scoring (in addition to a Beantown victory).

Deuce, I've Got Drew Rosenhaus on Line 1

In an effort to avoid compromising the historic cultivation of the first human child spawned using only the sperm of three mostly-Caucasian males (Romo, Witten and Garrett) in his secret underground laboratory, the Dallas Cowboys Big Dick In Charge released Terrell Owens late last night. So now, a quick-hitter analysis of who may be interested enough, masochistic enough, or just straight-up ballsy enough to give Popcorn Abs a umpteenth chance. Or, just some teams that would be really damn entertaining with TO along for the ride:

Washington Redskins: Because Daniel Snyder is Jerry Jones before he was potty-trained. Highly unlikely that they've got the cheddar to afford him, but I'm sure Snyder's balls dropped a little farther at the thought of pairing TO along side Santayana on the offense.

New England Patriots: Corey Dillon. Randy Moss. Rodney Harrison. The Patriots crave character. Plus, he might be able to help them lure Pac-Man. Also, I believe Belichick and Owens were molded by Lucifer from the same pile of dogshit-encrusted lava rock.

Oakland Raiders: Because Al Davis just had his first erection in 3 decades.

Baltimore Ravens: Spurn me once, shame on you. Spurn me twice, and Ray Lewis will invest in some throwing knives. Unless Coach Harbaugh was planning on employing the 3-Fullback system again this year.

Miami Dolphins: Bill Parcells has the nuts to pull it off, J-Peezy has the insanity to not put up with his shit and Chad Pennington has the vagina to throw him the damn ball every play!

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Out with the old (stockpiling mediocre QB's) and in with the new (stockpiling knucklehead WR's with not an arm to throw it to them). And their new coach may potentially hate white people as much as TO. Plus, it's warm.

Arizona Cardinals: Since nothing else they do seems to make any sense. And between Warner's Bible Study groups and Leinarts Pooty Train, Owens' life would be complete.

New York Giants: TO's never shot himself in the leg, and I personally would like to see Tom Coughlin's Face create a previously-unattainable hue of red that would provide lighting for an entire block of strip joints.

New York Yankees: Hank Steinbrenner likes his leadership capabilities, and his willingness to change positions to fill a hole at 3B. Plus he'd be their cheapest player.

Minnesota Vikings: This is the one place where fans might actually be supporitve of signing TO. Only for the sheer possibility that he murders Brad Childress in cold blood on the sidelines with a kicking tee.

Cincinnati Bengals: Because Armageddon is upon us.

El NBA Cares

... About Mexicans.

The financial disaster that is the NBA continues to look for new and exciting ways to increase their fanbase. Their latest effort to invigorate ticket sales targets the rapidly growing Hispanic demographic in the United States. Let's take a look at some of the ideas that the NBA has considered employing in the face of these uncertain times:

Official Press Release:

With the influx of illegal immigrants streaming across our borders... We mean, of Hispanic Americans who have become NBA fans over the last few years, the NBA feels that it is important to inject some "Latino culture" into our beloved sport every now and again. Therefore, we have decided to unveil our "Spanish Initiative" during the marquee, Texas-sized match up between the Dallas Mavericks and San Antonio Spurs.

- During the game each fan that is unable to prove their United States citizenship will receive an inflatable raft which they can use either to cross back and forth across "El" Rio Grande, or send it back home to Mexico in order to transport their relatives across said river... Excuse us, RIO!

- During the game each fan will receive a voucher for one free taco courtesy of Taco Bell, because Mexicans just love those tacos from Mexico's official restaurant!

- Compasses will be handed out to all attendees that appear to be a bit more "tan" than the average American. These compasses can be used to navigate your way back to your shanty, and/or can help your soon-to-be illegal relatives cross the Sonoran Desert into the USA!

- Spanish to English dictionaries will be provided to any non-native English speaker in hopes that we can help our clogged schools and over-worked educators recover from the burgeoning ESS requirements that have riddled and single-handedly paralyzed our education system.

- For one night only, referees will be making all foul calls in Spanish!

- Bull fighting at half time!

- Free wheel spinners for any and all attendees who are at minimum 5% Hispanic! They look great on any shitbox Toyota!

- While some home teams choose to play music during their offensive possessions, the NBA has decided that it will blast repetitive Ranchero music throughout the course of the ENTIRE Spurs-Mavs match up in honor of Hispanic brethren's poor taste in music.

Oh fuck it...

- The NBA has decided to add the great Spanish word "LOS" to both participating team's jerseys in honor Old West shoot-out!


It's gonna be so great, you might even forget about the Alamo and all it symbolizes to your colonized territories! We're kidding, of course.


THE NBA CARES!