Curling Prospect #4: Wally White

Sure, America is not known for its Curling prowess, but you heard it here first, folks: The eagle is on the rise. 

In fact, the US government has been secretly ciphering money off to the United States Curling Association (USCA) in hopes of developing some serious talent for the 2014 games in Russia, in order to show Svetlana and company that we're here to dominate all sports and not just the snowboard competition.

Go on...

FSD Mock Draught 1.1

Welcome to FSD's first annual NBA (Lottery) Mock Draft. We have studied the game film, met with individual GM's, and have successfully determined the EXACT draft order for tonight's event, so ***SPOILER ALERT***, read no further if surprises are your thing.

So, why are we only looking at the first 14 picks of the draft? Well, for consistency's sake is all (of course!). You see, the whole issue of luck does not disappear once the official NBA Lottery is completed. No, sir. For no matter which prospect a team selects, there is always an element of risk and nothing is a sure bet... Also, we were only able to get in touch with so many GM's, so ahm... the data was ahm... compilation was an...

Look, we're just too lazy to go through all 30 picks, okay?! Jeez. What are you my 6th grade algebra teacher or something? Anyway, onto the picks!




1. Los Angeles Clippers

Blake Griffin - PF Oklahoma

This is the obvious choice, though we've got word that Ricky Davis is making a late push for Thabeet. Apparently he can't decide who is funnier-looking after a fat blunt.

2. Memphis Grizzlies

Demar DeRozan - SG USC

The addition of DeRozan gives the Grizzlies the most capital letters in the League, and their own "Big Three" of ball-hogging swingmen with questionable character issues.

OR

Abstained

Nobody wants to play in Memphis. No, seriously...check out their Team Roster http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/teams/roster?team=mem , courtesy of espn.com

3. OKC Thunder

Hasheem Thabeet - C UCONN

Thabeet's presence in the paint on the defensive end is exactly what the doctor ordered for the Thunder, much to the dismay of Ricky Davis. Picture this guy in a cowboy hat and chaps:

4. Sactown Kings

James Harden - G Arizona State

The 1st round pick assured to have the most irrelevant NBA career goes to the most irrelevant NBA team last season. A match made in heaven.

5. Minnesota Timberwolves

Ricky Rubio - PG Espana

This is a really a shame since Rubio thinks he's a whole lot better than he actually is, much like Gilbert Arenas, Antwan Jamison, DeShawn Stevenson...shit, this entire squad has an inflated self-image. Therefore, he would have been a perfect fit for the DC circus. Instead young Ricky will be drafted by the Wolves and then held as a poker chip for some sloppy team that wants to waste lots of money on a player who will be terrible and probably end up murdering a hooker prior to the Freshman-Sophomore game during All-Star weekend.

6. Minnesota Timberwolves

Tyreke Evans - PG Memphis

Did y'all know that Brian Cardinal AND Mark Madsen are on the Wolves? Truth be told, I actually think this would be a good pick for them. Their frontcourt is respectable (maybe a bit generous) while their point guard situation is uglier than Kevin Love's chinstrap.

7. Golden State Warriors

Jordan Hill - PF Arizona State

When Andris Biedrins is your top rebounder, oh and when your team sucks pretty bad, it might be a good indicator that you have issues. Hill can move, rebound, score, and is shit from the free-throw line, so he should fit quite nicely into the Warriors offensive schema.

8. New York Knicks

Jonny Flynn - PG Syracuse

Last night, Jonny Flynn declared that Jonny Flynn became a household name during this year's Big East Tournament. I guess it would be safe to say that Jonny Flynn was no longer a household name after the pounding the Orange took from the Sooners in the Sweet 16. And so, continuing in the long line of this point guards with inflated-egos heavy draft, Mayor Flynn should fit right in with this pathetic New York Knicks team, that somehow can't even figure out how to lose correctly, yet still manage to talk shit as if they earned the right.

9. Toronto Raptors

Gerald Henderson - SG Duke Blue Angels

It's safe to say that G Money is certainly going to miss his long-time point guard who just ran off to Syracuse. Therefore, the G Spot is really hoping he gets drafted by the Dinos so that he can be as close to his old his old matre as possible. G Whiz wants to make sure that although he is still gonna be on a soft, unsuccessful basketball team, that at least Greg Paulus will be able to watch the games on basic cable in his dorm room... G Unit.

10. Milwaukee Bucks

Stephen Curry - PG Davidson

Buckaroos are a small town market, and so they are looking for someone who could thrive in such a situation. Enter STEFAN Curry. Due to Curry's above average vision he could potentially thrive on the Bucks offense because there are so many options. People such as Michael Redd and ahm... They also have ahm... Well, perhaps Curry's excellent speed and explosiveness to the hole could serve the Bucks well, considering all of the holes they have on offense. So long as their vast collection of goofy, below-average postmen can stay out of the way, they should be all right in a non-playoff contender kind of way

11. NJ Nets

Terrence Williams - SG Louisville

TerrBear is the kind of stud who can walk in as a rookie and make drastic changes to even the lowliest of squads... If Devin Harris ever decides to give up the fucking ball. The Nets could have the most athletic back court in the league next year, in addition to the least athletic front court in the league. So, it's kind of a wash. But whatever. T Will is for real.

12. Charlotte Bobcats

Sam Young - SF Pitt

Sam I am doesn't really make sense for the Bobcats considering they already Gerald (Yo, String. Where the fuck is) Wallace. But aside from that, their next best swingman is Vladimir Radmanovic? Jesus Christ, Bobcats, get it together. With a guy like the Sam Pig in the equation, the Bobcats could have just enough fire power to make it into the playoffs next year. Or not enough fire power to make it right back into the lottery next year, which wouldn't necessarily be the worst thing either.

13. Indiana Pacers

Ty Lawson - PG North Carolina

If the Pacers were smart, then they would take Brandon Jennings with this pick... But when has anything associated with Indiana ever been labeled as "smart", or "wise", or "intelligent". If you said the Indy 500, then you were dead fucking retarded. I'm not sure why Ty Stick has dropped so far in the draft projections. Maybe it's a question of durability, or maybe it's that Duke products have better fortune in the NBA... Gross.

14. Phoenix Suns

Tyler Hansbrough - PF UNC

Well, why the fuck not? But most likely because this team has managed so poorly over the last two years by Capt. Kerr and company, that why not continue to let the shitty decisions keep rolling? My heart says Psycho T is going to be a huge, embarrassing failure in the NBA. However, my instinct tells me that he carves out a niche somewhere, averaging 8 pts. 8 rebs. and 6 broken noses throughout his carrer... It just won't be the with Suns is all.

Note: I intially had Omir Casspi - C, The Homeland here due to the Suns adherence to spending as little money as possible in the draft, while combining that with players who will contribute little-to-known in the near future, and the gaping hole left by Shaq. But my power got usurped.

Post-Lottery Projections:

- Count on the Bulls taking yet another big man from a "championship program" with glaring holes in his game and can't score in the post.

- Brandon Jennings' Euro team is elated to find they can "stash" him in the NBA for a few years to save some money.

- B. Lee complements Ricky Rubio on his choice of hair product. Rubio responds that without other players on the floor, his hair product cannot realize it's full potential.

- I make an ill-advised BJ Mullens joke.

- Whoever drafts Chase Budinger gets pumped about him winning a dunk championship in 7 years as the 9th man on a playoff team.

- The Jazz draft a player of non-color.

- Stuart Scott pretends to be a person OF color.

- Guys get drafted in the 2nd round who nobody has ever heard of.

- Ricky Rubio Fun Fact: Hates playing Solitaire.

- No less than 4 completely irrelevant trades involving marginal bench players and future draft picks are made faster than ESPN can create "Tale of the Trade" diagrams.

Picks who will most outplay his draft position: Ty Lawson, Darren Collison

Picks who will suck the hardest despite elevated draft status: Rubio, James Harden, Blo-Jay Mullens

Enjoy an evening of Stern sans Stephen A. everyone!

Psychoanalytic Musings from Dr. b. Lee

On Respect; Comparing apples to apples, pt. 2

Some may charge that I'm kidding myself in comparing TO and KB. KB doesn't have the same problems with teammates as TO. But, did we forget about the whole Shaq debacle? Did you forget about what he said leading up to the 2007-8 season regarding his teammates and the team's owner? Does Kobe not "act out" on the court?

I would charge that the only difference between the two is their access to the limelight. KB gets the ball whenever he wants. Therefore, he doesn't need to whine about it… Because he would. TO on the other hand is subject to play-calling, route-running, the safety blitz, and the Cowboys shitty offensive line. These are constraints that KB does not know. If KB were only allowed to touch the ball on every 4th possession, how do you think he would respond? One can suspect that if this were the case, KB would be mailing it in a lot more often (than he already does).

But the substantive similarity is undeniable. These men are two of the best performers in their respective sports. However, they behave as if they were two up-and-comers that needed to separate themselves from the pack. Histrionics and masturbatory celebrations are not fun, they don’t add any additional entertainment value to the game, they certainly aren’t boosting any profiles, and don't you dare call them clever. They’re a cry for help from those who are emotionally underdeveloped and insatiably egocentric. These accessories to a player's “repertoire” only serve to detract from their legacy and from their standing in the eyes of the average fan.

So Kobe and Terrell I say unto you, keep it quiet, keep it cool, and just fucking relax. Then you'll realize and keep the respect. Even if you still don't think you're getting enough of it.

Psychoanalytic Musings with Dr. b. Lee

On respect; comparing apples to apples, pt. 1

There's a phenomenon that occurs to people who are highly visible to the public eye. Some cannot properly "handle" such a life, either due to our own perceptions (they're merely fuck ups, but we blame their being fuck ups on the fact that they're wealthy and famous) or just because the pressure is too great and they fold under it (like a star basketball player that can score 30 points a game, but misses the last two free throws which would clinch the game).

However, there are some highly recognizable figures, let's call them "athletes", that never seem to settle into their role properly. They never appear to be secure, there are frequent "issues" that emerge and seem to follow them wherever they go. The perfect example of this phenomenon is Terrell Owens. Terrell Owens is an extraordinary football player. Over the course of his 13 seasons in the NFL, he is averaging over 1,000 yards receiving per season, 10 touchdowns per season, and 14 new, irreconcilable relationships per season. Even at the ripe old age of 35 the man is still producing, and at the moment, due to his physical conditioning, he is showing no signs of slowing down. He essentially has the body of a 25 year old man, with the maturity of a 15 year old boy.

TO has arguably been the best wide receiver in football over the last decade. Everyone seems to know how great he is (as much as we hate to admit it). Even TO seems to know how great he is, which is why one would think he is always clamoring on the sidelines when he is not getting the ball thrown his way (I’m good! Fucking use it!). However, the only thing that TO doesn't seem to know, is that everyone already knows he is a great receiver. He appears to be so uncomfortable with his standing in the pantheon of wide receivers, that he feels the need to supplement his game, and the perception thereof, with his mouth. He catches a touchdown pass, which we may have even marveled at, and then performs some kind of "celebration" as if to say, "Look at me, I caught a touchdown pass!" Yes, honey, we all saw it, you did a great job. Now get off the field.

Everyone knows who TO is. Everyone knows how good he is.

So why does he always feel the need to act out? Does being an elite wide receiver in the NFL not get him the attention that he feels he deserves? If he didn't perform touchdown celebrations, or if he didn't call out his teammates and his coaches on the sideline or at press conferences, would he be considered a lesser player as a result? In reality, it seems the opposite is true. If he kept his mouth shut, if he left the clown nose in his locker, then I get the feeling the public would have even greater respect for him and appreciate his performance even more.

Another example of this phenomenon, although in what some might call a less "extreme" version, is Kobe Bryant. Kobe Bryant is arguably the best basketball player in the NBA at the moment, and could very easily be considered one of the 10 best players of all-time at the end of his career. KB (for the purpose of consistency) after winning 3 titles early in his career has seemingly struggled to step out of Shaq's enormous shadow simply because he has not won a title in LA's post-Shaq era.

Or has he? Was KB ever truly consumed by Shaq's shadow? Or was this just the machinations of the (“liberal fucking”) media? Or even worse, was this all made up in KB's head?

Today Shaq is merely a personality. More to be gawked at in public, than concerned about on the court (non-sense All-Star selection aside). KB is the show, even if he sometimes shares the stage with Lebron (LJ... shoot, LBJ?). He is a brilliant basketball player that can alter games all by himself. KB ultimately decides if the game is won or lost.

Everyone knows that KB has this ability. Everyone knows how good he is.

So after making a big shot why does he give us the "Elephant" dance? After a win, why does he pop his shirt at the opposing fans? Yes, sweetie, we know you can make big shots and that you play for the Lakers. Now get off the floor before you are assaulted by the recently bankrupt gentleman in Row G.

Wouldn't we be more impressed if after making a game-changing shot, if KB just jogged down the floor, straight-faced and cool? Or if after a win in hostile territory, he simply strolled off the floor with a deep calm in his eyes? I don’t know, maybe as if just to say, “I know. Now you do, too.“