Conscientious Objections with Benny DC

Every month or so we will be receiving a contribution from my friend and fellow bleeding heart, Benny DC. He'll be acting as the angel on your shoulder, questioning your moral character, the import of your actions, and generally just pissing you off. However, we here at Five Second Delay feel the need to provide contrasting opinions, so long as we get to decide when and how that opinion is transmitted. It's been a while since Mr. DC has graced us with his fine brand of patronism literature so be sure to soak this one up. Do it to us, Benny:

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Apparently, you all are still here. Or at least, B. Lee still sees fit to waste his superior writing talents preaching to a quietly spinning and unresponsive world wide web. Perhaps if he wrote about something meaningful, people would pay attention.

Here is what I know about recent sporting events:

1) the Pawtucket Red Sox put on a helluva fireworks show for the Fourth of July this weekend. (Just to clarify for you regular readers: that is not a bad sports metaphor, it’s a note on pyrotechnics.)

2) Roger Federer won at Wimbledon, which is a big deal because now he’s the winning-est tennis player ever or something. Maybe he can afford a haircut now. Boom.

3) Kobe was in the NBA finals, but I had to bing who won the title. Really. That happened. I used bing as a verb in a hope they’ll spread some of their American Recovery and Reinvestment-sized promotional budget on sponsoring this (highly ir)regular column.

Here’s what I’m really trying to say: You guys really think that spending your evenings and weekends watching young men with their beautifully sculpted bodies perform physical acts of impressiveness against each other isn’t part of some repressed homoerotic fantasy?

Here’s what I mean: Me fishing last weekend is better than you watching the “local team play ball” because while we both had livers full of Sam Adams seasonal, I was enjoying the sun on my face, the breeze on my cockles, and the actual experience that I was having out on the water hauling bass. You were living vicariously through John Lester. On TV.

Or maybe this is it: In midst of the death of a quarterback and a pop star, did we all forget that there’s a few folks in Iran pulling for democracy? That maybe our attention to them, our caring, was kind of important to their revolution? That international soccer was a REALLY big deal for a second there?

You all keep chugging along though. Because the NBA off-season matters . . .

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Thanks again, Benny. It's clear that your excitement over Sheed's arrival in Boston is as palpable as our own. And for the record, fishing is not a sport. Until next time!

Conscientious Objections with Benny DC

Every month or so we will be receiving a contribution from my friend and fellow bleeding heart, Benny DC. He'll be acting as the angel on your shoulder, questioning your moral character, the import of your actions, and generally just pissing you off. However, we here at Five Second Delay feel the need to provide contrasting opinions, so long as we get to decide when and how that opinion is transmitted. Do it to us, Benny:
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NCAA, Emcee Double Schmay

Alright. I still think you all are a waste of space, but I like your pictures.

I want to say this, about the most "betted-upon" sporting series in all of athletics: how do you sporty folk get me to buy into your damn pool every single time? And its not just me . . . last week a young women, new to our office, came to me for help filling in her bracket because she wasn't familiar with the concept of a single elimination tournament. Your sway rules over even the most unitiated these weeks.

It seems odd that college basketball should be the event that encourages such widespread participation. While the structure of the tournament itself is undeniably exciting, only the most sports-initiated know the players, and pretty much only alumni care who wins. People love those mascots, but its probably a fetish. And everyone praises how these kids are playing for the love of the game, rather than the money, but let's get serious - they are playing for the money.

So while you guys keep shoveling me the same B.S. that "Awwww, man, anyone can win this thing" to buy into your pool - I really don't believe that. Come 2010, you're not getting my 5 bucks and I'm not even entering a bracket. Even if some-chick-your-buddy-was-
dating-who-picked-teams-based-on-which-teams-had-the-prettier- colors won last year.

P.S. I can't follow your cheeky insider NCAA discussion even a little bit. Seriously, are you even trying to cultivate a readership?
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Thanks again, Benny. You're money is always good around here. But who the shit let you in for just $5? I will be collecting the other $45 very soon. Expect a visit from a rather disagreeable fellow in the near future. Until next time.

Conscientious Objections with Benny DC

Every month or so we will be receiving a contribution from my friend and fellow bleeding heart, Benny DC. He'll be acting as the angel on your shoulder, questioning your moral character, the import of your actions, and generally just pissing you off. However, we here at Five Second Delay feel the need to provide contrasting opinions, so long as we get to decide when and how that opinion is transmitted. Do it to us, Benny:
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Let me say: I know nothing about this blog except that is about sports. Of course, that is sufficient information to hate this digital space, its so-called creators, its contributors, and anyone who happens to read any articles placed here.

That includes you. I hate you.

Now, listen: Humanity faces serious problems. The economy is going boom-bust. We are letting each other die. No one is planning for an asteroid attack, our high schools are less relevant than Guitar Hero, and everyone – including Jessica Simpson – is now fat.
And you (presumably educated people) are wasting your breath on sports. Which would be fine, because everyone is entitled to a little escapism, except that it’s a little more than just that, isn’t it?

It’s obsessing and goddamn fantasizing. It’s getting your kicks from giant dudes on performance enhancing drugs tossing around small objects in the name of athleticism, courage, and God. One gentleman I know recently told me that he spends approximately 3 hours every evening watching games, managing his fantasy teams, and reading about athletes. This number hits about 6 hours a day on the weekends and can stretch into 10-plus hours on Sundays during football season. That is obscene. It is simply indefensible for anyone with a self-concept that includes moral principles to spend that much time on a thing that produces so little utility.

So, to all of you out there: stop. Go outside. Make something. Romance your lady friend. Do something that enriches you. Find a lady friend. Look at art. Drink heavily. Save a child.

Whatever you do, don’t read this blog anymore. Whatever you do, don’t sit in front of a screen watching sports and pretending that what you’re doing is important, or relevant, or anything at all.

All right. I am assuming that will be good enough to shut it down.

If not, I’ll be back.

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Thanks, Benny boy. I think I speak for everyone when I say how great it's going to be having you around for this monthly shaming.