Willie Shakes: Fantasy Laureate

When we're not embracing the world of fantasy sports or engaging in various psilocybin-based activities around these parts, we're continuously trying to improve our knowledge of the sports world around us.  Sometimes this can be difficult and so in those times we defer to the members of our intellectual class to provide the answers when all we have to offer is questions.  Now get your pencils and paper ready, children.  Because it's time for the triumphant return of Wille Shakes, Fantasy Mock Draft Laureate.

Well folks, what type of prognosticator would I be if I didn't take a shot at the NFL round 1 Mock Draft. I mean, EVERYBODY'S doing it...it's like coke in the 80's.  Mel Kiper eat your heart out..

1. Rams
Sam Bradford QB OK

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Uh Oh!

Although I would, of course, prefer to talk about WWF caricatures, we unfortunately will be talking about the Chicago Cubs.  Ah yes, the shitty Cubs; perennial chokemisers and incessant tinkerers of the NL Sad Bastard Society are at it once again.  Carlos Zambrano, aka the toughest man in Chicago, off to his worst start since his rookie season (and by far) has been moved to the bullpen after just 4 starts.  No word as to whether an addition needed to b added to the bullpen in order to accommodate Big Z's BLOATED salary, but this is such an odd situation.

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Redirections, ETC.

Blogs are forming at a trickle right now, as are coherent thoughts from my brain pan.  But we do have this for you.  It's the Chella Blog's first entry!  Wanna know what it's like to be dirty, overstimulated and frazzled beyond control?  Well then I recommend some glue, some kiddie porn and a trip to your local DMV.

Wanna know what it was like to be at Coachella?  Go here, young man!

Headlines. . . !

Red Sox forfeiting remainder of season after slow start, knee-jerk commentary...


Kyle Singler passes up opportunity to play in NBA, seeks Duke bench position...


Ryan Miller is open for business...


Kevin Garnett considering throwing elbows more often...


Mel Kiper thinks Todd McShay lacks analytical explosiveness...


IOC's bullshit 'a complex series of interretarded events'...


Kovalchuk dressing like a devil, playing like a pussy...


Cleveland to Noah: Prettier'n you are...


Carlos Zambrano blames poor start on racist umpires, Torii Hunter...


Ecstasy's a helluva a drug...

Insignificant Monster Dunk Better than Brilliant Game Clinching Goal

Apparently.

Oh, hello there!  You must be looking for something to read, right?  What?  My absence and lack of other-consciousness was not sufficient for you.  I do apologize, but things got a little real over the weekend and I just had to keep my head down and hands up until it passed. It hasn't yet passed, but I'm a professional, not some mid-level band stuck at an airport in Glasgow waiting for the ash to pass.

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En Route: Chellin'

As you read this, I'm experiencing the musical equivalent of blissfully soiled undies... Which could very well consist of blissfully soiled undies.

The good news is that my campsite is just around the way.  It has cleaned undies and lots and lots of cold beer.  So as you can see, my weekend is once again going to be better than yours.  But don't be upset! Enjoy it with me!

After you enjoy these:

• First this happens, then Buffalo loses... The gods favor Boston (Hockey World Blog)
• I'm nuts for D(z) nuts (Empty the Bench)
• Man, I wanna be Darren Sharper (The Big Lead)
• The true meaning of The Masters (Joe Sports Fan)

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Better Know a Contender. PERIOD

Back in the 1990's, Chicago was the center of the basketball universe. Actually, it wasn't just the center of the basketball universe, for it was the center of the sports universe. Michael Jordan was the biggest star in that universe, so when he left the game, he also killed it. Fans placed their basketball hopes on the likes of Allen Iverson, understandably, but also unjustly. But Michael didn't just kill basketball. He also killed hockey. Namely, hockey in Chicago.

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It Is Growing...

The list of idiots in Major League Baseball (that just so happen to be African American), that is.

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Better Know a Contender. PERIOD

The right to own a gun is largely framed in terms of self-defense measures.  I have a right to protect my family and so I should be allowed to have a gun in my possession.  Sounds fair enough.  But what it leaves out is that guns are not defensive weapons.  An alarm system is a defensive weapon.  Guns were created to kill.  Not to kill intruders with, but to intrude with.  Take what is needed, and be on your way.  A store clerk can have a gun behind the counter, but if the bandit has a gun in his face already, then that gun is staying where it's been all along and the money in the register is going out the door.  Even if the bandit's gun is not loaded or is even a fake, fear is induced and the first step toward victory is achieved.

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My Weekend was Better than Yours

When is that ever not the case though?

It was a music bonanza this weekend at The Paradise in Terrier territory, shaking off the odd venue layout and gaining traction nonetheless.  Friday night, Midlake took the crowd on a captivating trip to Middle Earth with their Zeppelin-inspired brand of psychedelic folk rock.  Better than I thought it was gonna be, especially when they rocked out on this track for about 9 minutes.

Core of Nature - Midlake

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Better Know a Contender. PERIOD

The shark is the most efficient and feared predator in the sea.  It doesn't back down, it never passes up a meal, and it will bite you in the ass if the given the opportunity. Sharks have rows of razor sharp that are not only good killing prey, but also good for processing and digesting that prey... In other words, sharks don't choke.

At least in the regular season they don't.

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Tiger-Style No Match for Beef Curtain Technique

When the focus of the tournament often veered toward whether or not Tiger Woods was a cocksucker worth rooting against or worth rooting for, Tiny Tits Phil kept us all interested in what was occurring on the course rather than what occurred in that porn star's boombox.

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En Route: Frozin'

Hockey, for better or worse, is still better than your favorite sport, even when it's in collegiate form.  Indeed, it's the sub zero answer to CBS' corporate-sponsored gaggle of non-stop commercials with a little men's basketball mixed in this weekend at Ford Field in Detroit. 

But first... Some respect:

• If you look us, then you'll like this... (Free Darko)
• A list of (formerly, now probably) one-armed men... (Big League Stew)
• Think Tiger's commercial is horrifying (and/or pathetic)?  Try some funny then... (Deadspin)
• And for more information then I'm about to provide below... (Hockey World Blog)

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These Eyes Can See

Panthers 3.
Devils 2.

That is, the 13th place Florida Panthers against the (for now) 2nd place New Jersey Devils.

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Sex Tiger

Back on the prowl...

Mother fucker has been out of golf ever since he took a post-collision snooze at the corner of Filthy and Rich.  Yet, dude is still the ODDS ON favorite to win the most prestigious golf tournament evuh.

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See What I Mean?

You know, just so you don't think I'm bullshitting



As the Italians say, assassino. The Sedins play like that, and they got themselves a chance. Of course, they did lose the game in the shootout.

Better Know a Contender. PERIOD

Stop for a second.

Think about the baseball team down in Tampa.  Remember their old name? Now think about the hockey team in New Jersey.  Florida: the only state in the union worse than New Jersey.  Nice work, team.

New Jersey has always been the team that the Boston Bruins wanted to be;  stifling defense, bad reputation, and most importantly, victorious.  Oh, and they also got Kovalchuk.  Thanks for adding insult to injury, jerk stores.

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Undercover Lover

As in, there is "undercover" and then there is "Which way is up?"

Long before this little experiment was ever even considered, I had always had issues as a fan.  Mainly with other fans.  After being inspired as a young lad by experiences with Hockey East rivalries, squaring off in tiny arenas, too cold to sit in, and too noisy to remain quiet within, I had always hoped for the best out of a crowd.  After all, we're here to spectate and enjoy the presentation of entertainment, not to chit chat resting on our cellulite sofas.  I mean, we're supposed to be a part of the action, right?  We can impact the game, right?  At the very least, we can enhance the experience, no?  We're already somewhat invested, so why not go all the way, losing yourself in a symbiotic event?

They lose.  You lose.  They're still on the field.  You're still at the park.

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A Social Experiment

Ah, free hugs.  One of the new aged, hippie-revivalist practices of the Los Angeles strip, begging the questions, would you hug a stranger just for the fuck of it, or are you just a cheap bastard that takes anything they can get for free? 

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Better Know a Contender. PERIOD

The goal there was to get the Sedin brothers' faces atop the lovely ladies' faces, but my photoshop skills have diminished beneath a cascading pile of stress triggered by the inevitably of aging.

In just about every one of these vignettes, we have spoken about the team's inability to put the puck in the net. And that is what ultimately separates the next 6 teams from the rest: scoring. When other teams are content to take shots hoping they go in, the big 6 rip shots knowing that they will go in (unless of course we're dealing with the Devils, but even they have seen improvement since Kovie came to town).

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Final Sickness

It was too cold to cry, when I woke up alone-
I hit my last number, I walked to the road.

So, the Final Four came through with a whimper.  You can already here Tony Reali asking, "did Butler win the game, or did Michigan State lose the game?"  Please don't try to imagine Jay Mariotti's response but nothing but headaches will ensue.  And how good is Duke?  Ah yeah, about those headaches?

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Blogsturbation Monday

Talk about guns like I ain't got none...
What do you think, I sold them all?

Gee, I sure am sorry about that folks, but I was En Route: Adam Sandler in the Wedding Singer post-Wedding Day Disaster'n prior to that little island getaway.  I sure hope Deucey didn't scare you all away with his little magic trick (you know, "rising from the dead") but don't fear little ones, for daddy is home...

So what did I miss?

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