The Hyperbolic Chamber

Mike Patrick here with DICKIE V! to bring you tonight's epic battle between the Tar Heels of North Carolina and representing the Kingdom of our lord Jesus, The Blue Devils of Duke!

FIRST HALF -

19:46: Hansbrough gets the jumper to draw first blood. THAT is going to make these Blue Devils angry, Dick. (2-0 Heels)

19:23: Henderson with a HUGE dunk! That shook the stadium right to it's core, Dick! I don't know if the Heels are going to be able to recover from that MONSTER bucket! (2-2)

15:50: Dick I am filing an appeal if this game doesn't get turned around and soon. This just doesn't make any sense and foul play is the ONLY explanation (14-6 Heels)

8:07: ANOTHER foul on Tyler Hansbrough! Dick they MUST have heard my warning because HERE COME THE BLUE ANGELS NOW! (31-26 Heels)

5:55: OH GOD! OH GOD! I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO BROADCAST DURING AN ORGASM AND NOW I KNOW! IS THIS THE RAPTURE, LORD? DUKE TAKES THE LEAD! (36-34 Angels)

0:02: LANCE THOMAS WITH THE CLINCHER! That's all she wrote, Dick. I just don't know if the evil Tar Heels are going to be able to come back from that first half BEATDOWN. (52-44 Army of Jesus).

SECOND HALF -

20:00: To be honest, Dick, I am absolutely SHOCKED that the Tar Heels are even returning to the floor after that demoralizing first half. Roy Williams must have had to BRIBE these poor bastards into coming back onto the floor against the unstoppable force which we call Duke. In fact, can we get an NCAA review of what just occurred in the North Carolina locker room?

14:54: Tyler Hansbrough scores AGAIN! Where did the refs go, Dick? This just doesn't seem possible. FUCK. (58-58)

14:16: Oh praise Jesus! Kyle Singler, the white knight himself, NAILS a three-pointer to send the good guys SURGING back into the lead! (61-58 God's Children)

10:24: Come on Ref! Get the game under control! I can't believe this Dick. This is APPALLING.

DV!: Ah, Mike you know I think we should try and be a little bit objec...

MP: OH STOP IT, Dick! The good book teaches us that when we encounter injustice we must point it out, and on this court, SATAN is pulling the strings. (69-65 Heels)

6:03: You know, Dick. Sometimes I have to question my faith. Sometimes down is up and up is down. Is there a God, Dick? ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION. (83-71 Heels)

3:05: There is no God. I can't watch any longer. I am COMPLETELY flaccid. Fuck this. She's all yours Dick...

/Storms off the floor

(90-74 Heels)

/Dickie V! steps to the mic

3:04: Loud noises... Non-sense... Etc...

Darkness reigns at Cameron Indoor.