Fantasy Advice with Dean from Dean's Home Furniture

People come up to me all the time sayin, "Dean, you ah such a HUGE baseball fan and my fantasy team is STERUGGALIN. Yuh gotta help me!" This happens so often, that I don't even have time to run my furnichuh business. So tell you what I'm gonna do for you. Each week, I'm gonna give you what you need by postin an advice cawlumn in the local papuh. Here's my promise to you: I will find you the best quality playis, at the lowest possible prices... GUARANTEED.

People always come to me askin how they can find bettuh pitchin? You think Jorge De La Rosa coming off back-to-back double-digit strike out appearances is gonna give you what you need?

I DOUBT IT.

Guy doesn't have a win all season, and you think HE'S the solution? Go with Dave Bush. Good K/BB with a sawlid awfense behind him to get you some wins.

The second biggest question that I always hear is, "Dean, my team sucks, and I need more POWUH." So, I says to them, what ah yuh gonna do, keep waitin around fuh David Ortiz or somethin?

I DOUBT IT.

Here's what you do, you drop that stiff, who's absolutely killin me by the way, and pick up ah Hanguk neighbuh from the west, Shin-Soo Choo. God Bless you, hahaha! This guy K's a lot, BUT, he can hit fuh powuh, avridge, and can swipe some bases in the prawcess, as well. Yuh can't go wrong!

Before we proceed, here's a quick advitisement from my competituhs:



You think these goofs ah gonna get you the deal that you need?

I DOUBT IT.

They even stole my tagline! Amuh-chiz!

Okay, back to baseball.

One question that is on ALL people's minds is this; how long do I wait before giving up on my current playis before mining the free agent mahkit fuh somethin new. I say this to them, "A deal is a deal, and you don't wait for that deal to pass you by. Yuh snooze, yuh LOSE," Thehefohe, why wait fuh Garrett Atkins to get his lazy butt awf a the bench, and into high geah? You gotta seize the opuhtunity to make somethin happen and pick up Hank Blalawk. Sure he strikes out a lot, but he hits HOMIS, and plays AWL the time. Bettuh than I can say about Doctuh Atkins ovuh thehe.

Okay folks, that's awl fuh tuhday. Hope this helps. In fact, I don't hope, I KNOW this will help. Think yuh team will still be in last place 2 weeks from now if you follow my advice?

I DOUBT IT.