How to Lose Money and Alienate People

"You don't know when to quit, do ya Griswold?... Here's an idea: Why don't you give me half the money you were gonna bet, then we'll go out back, I'll kick you in the nuts, and we'll call it a day!"

Because the Gray's Sports Almanac does not actually exist, many 21st century fanatics (like myself) who need a little extra spice added to our sports love-making regularly wager our hard-earned (and occasionally stolen) money on the outcome of sporting events and/or seasons. It's a truly remarkable viewing-enhancing substance, this gambling. Nothing can make a Raptors/Kings ABC Game-of-the-Week at 9 AM on Saturday morning more interesting than a nice little $10 parlay. (By the way, don't you EVER bet on the Kings. Ever).

Most people don't actually bet on sports to win money. Hopefully because most people I know aren't arrogant enough to believe they are smarter and more educated and insightful about Team X than a Vegas oddsmaker who, you know, does this for a living. Most people I know bet on sports because it makes the game more interesting, and occasionally validates that you, as a geeked-out fan, might actually know a thing or two about your favorite sport/team/athlete/golfer/animal/motorized vehicle/golfer. That way if you win, you can move forward acting like an arrogant prick much smarter, more educated and insightful than any toolbag in some square cubicle who, you know, does this for a living!

Though, if you're trying to avoid that "just-been-kicked-in-the-nuts" feeling come this NFL season (is it still only May?!), I provide you with the early Over/Under Win Totals for each NFL team this season, complete with my Picks-to-Click to help you turn that $20 into $38.94 from Bodog. I'm just gonna link to the O/U's, and provide my commentary below. Not all teams will be treated equally, because who gives a dogshit about the Bucs anyways?

http://www.lasvegassun.com/blogs/sports/2009/apr/27/betting-lines-posted-nfl-team-season-wins/


Bengals UNDER 5.5 wins

I've got early money on the Bengals as the worst team in the NFL this year. They lost their best/only reliable offensive weapon and are riding the Ced Benson Experience in the backfield. Despite a strong draft, Chad 85's virtual insanity, Marvin Lewis' chop job and an abyssmal defense get Cincy 5 wins...maybe.

Dolphins UNDER 8 wins

This offense got exposed last season when the Wildcat became less cool! and innovative! and more predictable and gimmicky. They've got a difficult schedule and Chad Pennington still has the arm of a schoolchild.

Vikings OVER 8.5 wins

Sans BFF, of course. If there's a BFF sighting in St. Paul, I retract this statement and would like to go on record with a 7 win prediction for the Queens. Best player and best defense in the division OUGHT to be good for an above .500 season. Ought to.

Eagles OVER 9 wins

While all their division opponents were either subtracting valuable players or pissing off valuable players, the Eagles added Pro-Bowlers and game-changers. It feels like McNabb's Last Stand in Philly, and double-digit wins seems likely.

Jets UNDER 8 wins

Because, DAMN this is a shitty and disarray-ed football team. Kellen Clemens? Yikes.

Other potential tantalyzing wagers:

Broncos over 7.5 (Neckbeard Vindication)

Raiders under 5.5

Steelers over 10.5.

Now go out there and win yourself some money and pride! And if not, make sure to come on back here. I just bought some steel-toed boots...