A Haters Guide to the NBA Conference Finals

"The world needs haters. Without them, we'd be faced with a society of people walking around consistently feeling good about themselves."

-Deuce

Because the teams sponsored here at FSD have both been bounced from the playoffs, and in lieu of the fact that we must pick a team to support, we are choosing to say "fuck it." If we are gonna be forced (in the end) to lend our support to some unworthy collection of jagmuffs, then we will not do so without a fight. And so without any additional delay, let us introduce the detestable candidates!

Cleveland Cavaliers

Why they are unworthy of your support: Because for all the shit Kobe takes for emulating (read: pining to be) Jordan, Lebron wears #23 and has become the 2nd player to steal MJ's patented pre-game talc powder routine. Also, not only does Delonte West have herpes, but he also isn't really that good at basketball, but is still in serious danger of getting a championship ring. Because my roommate owns a Wally Sczerbiak jersey... From when he was on the Timberwolves. Because last year Mike Brown couldn't draw up an offensive play to beat a group of guys in Rucker park, and suddently he's the NBA Coach of the Year.

Why they are worthy of your support: Because they're apparently wicked good at basketball and Lebron James is a BEAST.

However, if you choose to support the team for these reasons, then you are simply a front-running sucker, which is exactly the reason why we want the Cavs to crash and burn. Thanks for giving us another reason to hate!

Orlando Magic:

Why they are unworthy of your support: Because Rafer Alston is a punk-ass bitch. Really dude, you look like "Red" from Friday and I'm just waiting for Deebo to step in and knock a mother fucker out (Ideally this role would have been played by Perk in the previous series, but he was too busy having his shots rejected by D. Howard). Becuase, "Hey Stan, get a goddamn shirt with a collar and look like a fucking professional, would you?" Because Rashard Lewis is Lamar Odom East. And because their fans suck.

Why they are worthy of your support: Because just look at D. Howard smile. Oh it is beautiful isn't it?

But this is probably the reason you like the guy. Not because of his post moves (which he doesn't have), but because he is just so damn affable, and non-thug-like. You're just another scrub Magic fan who finally got his Shaq back. And no, you won't be receiving an apology for this assessment.

Speaking of thug-like...

Denver Nuggets:

Why they are unworthy of your support: This one is hard. I'm kind of endeared to these bunch of maniacs, but here goes... Kenyon Martin fucked your mother... And your girlfriend... And at the same time. Because they wear WNBA jerseys. Because Dahntay Jones attended Duke. Because Birdman gave up the sweet herb and destroyed my profitable farming business as a result.

Why they are worthy of your support: Because the Nuggets winning makes Allen Iverson look really, really bad, and in turn, makes THUGS like him look really, really bad.

And if you agree with this, then you're a dick who probably doesn't like the NBA because you think it is filled with nothing but "thugs", which to you is nothing more than a synonym for "black people." Fuck off, asshole. One more word and you might just make me into a Nuggets fan.

One thing that could DEFINITELY make me a Nuggy Bear fan...

Lake Show:

Why they are unworthy of your support: Because of Sasha... Who wants to fuck your mom... And your girlfriend... At the same time. Because they play in quite possibly the worst city in America (no offense, Phoenix), unless of course you love malt liquor and doughnuts, and at any time of day. Because Phil Jackson isn't half the coach that Red was but his name will still be in the books alongside his anyway (just hopefully below Red's). And because of that huge, insecure cocksucker whom we allow to tickle our collective ballsacks whenever he chooses, only to see him turn up his nose when the slightest hint of odor enters into the picture... As if his undercarriage smells like roses.

Why they are worthy of your support: Because it's the Lakers! Arguably the best franchise in NBA history. All the great players that have donned those jerseys. All the movie stars that pack the stadium. It's glamorous!

Which is why we would never be caught dead supporting these assholes. If every other seat in the stadium wasn't filled with some celebrity's personal assistant, then maybe the Staples Center would be a cool place to play. But probably not, and the court would still be filled with a bunch mediocrites and their temperamental (read: douchey) leader.

Enjoy the games y'all. Happy hating!