Countdown to 2010... Hospitality Edition

As your may or may not know, the extraodinarily dangerous (oh, and beautiful) country of South Africa will be hosting the World Cup in the summer of 2010. This asshole plans on attending so long as this site starts bringing the appropriate level of advertising revenue. So far we're off to a bad start, but a man can dream, right? Tickets are already on sale as we speak (well, the lottery for tickets is underway), and South Africa is encouraging their citizens to be great hosts. How? Glad you asked! The 2010 Local Organising Committee, the International Marketing Council of South Africa (IMC) and South African Tourism have put their heads together and come up with six ways in which you can be a great 2009 and 2010 host. Here goes (probably) nothing:

1. Be informed

Know what's going down in your own backyard. For pretty much everything you might need to know - about the teams, the venues, the dates, the host cities, the work that's going in to get the country geared - check out:

• Fifa 2009 website
• Fifa 2010 website
• SA government 2010 website
• SA Tourism 2010 website
• 2010 good news
• 2010 readiness updates

2. Support our country

Learn to sing the national anthem. Fly the national flag. We're footballing into the future - don't be left behind!

3. Support our team, support our players

We did it in 1996, and Bafana Bafana came out of international isolation to win the African Cup of Nations. Co-hosts South Korea got behind their team in 2002, and their team responded by upsetting favourites Spain in the quarterfinals to become the first Asian team to reach the World Cup semifinals.

Germany did the same in 2006, and their team - previously written off at home and abroad - went as far as extra time in the semifinals before bowing out to eventual tournament winners Italy.

4. Learn to blow a vuvuzela ...

... Get yourself a makarapa. Wear a Zakumi badge. Follow the games. Talk about them over a pap 'n vleis braai. Get interested. Do any of these things in the spirit of Bafana, and you can count yourself a Bafana Bafana fan!

5. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO to a game!

Buy yourself and your kids/granddad/partner/buddy tickets to a Confederations Cup match. Maybe you're the CEO? Buy tickets for your staff - it'll be the best (and cheapest) corporate bonding outing you ever organise!

And when you go to a game, gents, it's time to ...

6. Do things THE RIGHT WAY

• Get to the stadium an hour before the game.
• Check your ticket, know your number, and sit in your designated seat.
• Don't use the steps as seats.
• Don't bring bottles or other "cellular" to the stadium (if you know what we're talking about, then we're talking to you!)

Since just as many South Africans will read and follow these tips as will read this here blog, allow me to throw a couple more recommendations out there:

1. Try not to murder, rape, or assault your guest

• That's right! Although South Africa is one of the top-ranked (or is it bottom-ranked?) countries in the world with respect to crime, these actions are, in fact, a terrible way to make your guest feel at home in your country. We would encourage you to be as peaceful and polite as possible. Besides, if you kill everyone, then how are going to be able to mug them on future visits?

2. Caring is Sharing, but HIV is for you, and you alone

• While you will surely encounter many, MANY horny internationals that are eager to sample the exotic... cuisine of your rich culture, just know (ladies) that the more contained the virus is, the better off everyone is. And for you guys, women from other countries tend to just be afraid of you. Perhaps this is due to your large... muscles. So please feel free to flirt, but do draw a line in the sand. Unless you encounter a Spaniard, then you are free to do what you will.

3. And lastly, not all whiteys are created the same

• Sure, Apartheid was a terrible practice perpetrated by paternalist, racist douchebags hiding behind a guise of civilized culture and progress, but let's be honest, not ALL of us would have done the same thing. Just the pig-fuckers who strolled in from the Netherlands. So the next time I, or somebody else, refuses to throw a few rands your way, please don't accuse me of having a hand in your past and/or current state of affairs. I'm just a middle class white boy from America who's trying to enjoy your fine country without ending up buried in a township ravine.

That's it for now. So read through these and get practicing! The events are only a year away, and you've got work to do. Can't wait to see the progress you've made. Until then, hang in there! And I still don't know what the fuck a Vuvuzela is!