En Route: Trippin'

Treats:

• So how did OKC end up with the worst team name in professional sports? (Mental Floss) 
• Mike Dunleavy's Coach of the Year award is in the goodie bag... Until he blows it, of course (Basketbawful)
  
• The hazards of lax gun control laws (Sports Pickle)
  
• CSI: Maimi suddenly needs a serious nose job (Awful Announcing)
  

Now let me tell you a story about the last time I went trick-or-treating.

Go on...

Men Dozin'

How about some more hate?  Why not.

The combined forces of Ryan Howard, Alex Rodriguez, and Mark Teixeira, arguably the biggest stars in this show (if we're talking power numbers), are now batting an eye-gouging .125 in the World Series, combining for the following stats:

AB - 24
Hits - 3
RBI - 2
Runs - 1
K's - 15

That's right, these horses are sporting a 62% strike out rate.

Before anyone got too high, I just thought I should share this revelation.  Good thing no kiddies are attending this clinic, otherwrise the FCC would be all over this.

It should also be noted that none of these fellas have walked either.  So their batting average is also there OBP.  Impressive.

Let's hope all problem needs is one, tall shot of Cole Hamels, eh?

THE SHEET®: Week 8-Legged Freaks!

What are you supposed to be?


Ah yes, welcome to your first THE Gimmick SHEET® experience.  You will probably see at least two more of these before the season is through (god damn it, why'd you have to bring that up?), and I promise that they get better as we go along.

Well, not sure we can go that far, but they probably can't get any worse, right?  Comparatively speaking, of course.

Anyway, it is at least a break from the standard cock/gay/ginger/mama jokes that you are odrinarily accustomed to (at least until the responses come in), so there's something to be said for that, right?  No?  Well, go fuck yourself then.  Just make sure to keep the mask on, because even your own boner is frightened by that disaster area you call a face.

BOO!

Law by Le Ginge

As some of you may know, litigation has recently been commenced against Mothership Deadspin by one disgruntled ex-ESPN employee.  Sean Salisbury is suing for damages relating to his inability to achieve gainful employment and how this situation is directly related to Deadspin's defamation "campaign."  And so like a good non-lawyer, I consulted the services of the dark side in order to better elucidate the tenability of this lawsuit as well as to surgically dissect the fecal nature of this bullshit that surrounds.

Le Ginge will provide the lawyer-speak, whilst I will go about providing the annotations to make it more intelligible for our lesser readers.

Go on...

A Haters Guide to the 2009 World Series

"The world needs haters.  Without them, we'd be face with a society of people walking around, consistently feeling good about themselves."

- Deuce

Because the teams sponsored here at FSD have both been bounced from the playoffs and/or never made it, and in lieu of the fact that we must pick a team to support, we are choosing to say "fuck it." If we are gonna be forced (in the end) to lend our support to some unworthy collection of jagmuffs, then we will not do so without a fight! And so without any additional delay, let us introduce the detestable candidates!

Go on...

Better Know a Contender?

In 2008, the Dallas Cowboys traded a first-round pick (and thensome) to the Detroit Lions in return for wide receiver Roy Williams, which could end up being one of the worst trades of all-time.  That is, if the Maple Leafs trading for Phil Kessel in 2009 doesn't prove to be even worse.  For both trades had to be considered head-scratchers, particular in the case of the Leafs.  Roy had a specific purpose: to replace TO once the Cowboys inevitably let him go.  But what was the purpose of trading for Phil Kessel?  Did he actually fill a need?

Go on...

HOOOOOOOOOOOOPS!

And in lieu of this return we give our thanks for...

The irony of NBA Cares commercials...

CP3 making lemonade

The endless effort on the part of TNT to get us to watch Leverage...

And HawthoRNe...

And Saving Grace...

And whatever garbage Tyler Perry is up to now

Go on...

THE SHEET®: Week 7 Results

We're at a critical juncture here, folks.  This shit is getting out of hand and I'm not sure what to do about it.  The sad bastard part about it is that Miami covering would not have even made a difference at this point.

We got two deadbeats that are running away with THE SHEET® and I don't like it.  And they're running away with it in the most eye-gouging of fashion; slapping up ill-formatted, albeit very amusing pictures and filling their creativity vacuum with pre-fab youtubage.  Sad to say, folks, but I feel responsible for it.

Well, at least I can take pride in remaining true to the spirit of THE SHEET®, opting for wit over cliche and originality over re-hash...

Oh please god, I just want to win one week...

One.
FUCKING.
WEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!

Seven up.

Why Hockey is Better than your Favorite Sport

Because can you guess which one is dirty?


This one?

Go on...

OH! THE HUMANITY!!!

Now that we got that college garbage out of the way...

Can we get back to the real stuff?

Like this:



Rarely does football provide the same kind of visceral display of jubilation as say a hockey fight would, but that was one of the best things I have ever seen.

Speaking of hockey...

History Repeating Itself. Really.

Would someone be so kind as to explain to me how in the hell the USC Trojans, with a record of 6-1, are ranked #5 in the latest BCS standings? That is ahead of THREE teams who have a combined total of zero (0) losses this season, one of whom is actually IN a BCS conference.

Cincinnati won this week without their starting quarterback and best player in a blowout over a conference opponent.

Boise State flew halfway across the Pacific Ocean and beat the dogshit out of Hawaii, and plummeted 3 spots!

Go on...

How. F*cking. Sad.

Every now and again, on only the most special of Sunday afternoons, a game has the ability to touch one's heart in the most arresting of ways.  The game may hold some certain significance for you; money is on the line, your favorite team is on the field, or playoff-inclusion could be at stake.  Or, maybe you have simply lent your temporary support to an underdog that has every opportunity to knock off a previously undefeated team but instead chooses to give the game away via terrible decisions, awful execution, and an extreme lack of discipline... Yeah, that's the stuff.  So let's talk about such an instance, shall we?

Go on...

32 Things

As you may or may not have noticed, this blog is strongly biased toward two things in life: football and music.  We try to unify the two in print as well as we do in our own minds, but these things do not necessarily translate all that well when traveling between the abstract to the tangible.  But this new segment appears to be prepped for success and understanding.  It combines our favorite sport with one of our favorite songs and the two get along just fine, even if it is also combined with one of our least favorite things; NFL recap posts.  Regardless, it's 32 Things!

32 Things - moe.

Texans: Are you good?  Are you bad?  Care to make up your mind?

Chargers: - At least you're still better than the Chiefs, right?

Panthers: - I honestly don't even care to waste the time.

Go on...

En Route: Broodin'

Let's say you have an ex-girlfriend (excuse me, Ginge; boyfriend).  Let's say you just happen to still see each other from time to time out of necessity.  Let's say it was an obviously huge mistake.  Let's just say that the two of you NEVER talk anymore.  You avoid eye contact, frequently wear your i-pod to avoid listening to them speak, and wish that one of you would move away to alleviate the awkward situation that remains.  Let's say that.

So what happens one the the ex-girlfriend says, excuse me, e-mails the following thing to you:

So, like, are we ever going to like, talk again... like?

What on planet blue balls are you supposed to say to something like that?

Yes?

No?

Please kill yourself?

And regardless of the answer, what is the prognosis for behavior after that juvenile e-mail thread is concluded?  If you answer in the affirmative; do you just strike up a conversation immediately?    If you answer in the negative; well... Well, I guess nothing happens in that case.  I mean, honestly, what happens next?

Just another product of the Facebook generation in which we live.  Don't actually try and speak to the person to determine their attitude and receptiveness to a potentially sensitive idea, just e-mail them or slap it on their wall!  Yeah, that will correct everything.  Or nothing, most likely.

Then again maybe Steve Phillips has some advice for me:

• So what do you think, Steve? (Awful Announcing)
• Should I pray about it, Steve? (With Leather)
  
• Or maybe the answer is in my past... Steve? (The Sports Hernia)

Oh and this whole scenario is purely hypothetical, of course.

I'll be okay, I promise.

You make sure to do the same.

THE SHEET®: Week 7

Holy Sheet?

Well gee whillikers it's been a sleepy week at FSD, now hasn't it?

I mean, the sports world has been abuzz with playoff baseball, meat-of-the-season NFL football, racially-charged hockey, our first BCS standings and both sexual and journalistic indiscretions. But The Delay? No, the Delay has been mired in weak, week-long attempt to speak (write?) without cursing, swearing, or referencing acts of a sexually pleasing nature in a manner demeaning to b. Lee's mother's various orifices.

No matter. As the gays are often prone to say, "it's not the journey, it's the destination." And so despite my personal posting boycott this week as a retaliation to this "No Swearing" edict from our great and spiteful deity of  Jah, we have arrived nonetheless; beaten, bruised, a little confused at the only destination FSD cares about...

Go on...

HEADLINES. . .!

Girardi:  I thought Burnett had another 2, maybe 3 innings left in him....


Fuentes:  Look, I'm gonna be honest here, A-Rod scares the hell outta me...


Manny:  What?  It was shower time for Manny...


Utley: Boo?  Fuck you...


Pedroia: How am I supposed to hit the ball when this field is in such disrepair...?


Tulowitzki: Hey, we were just happy to be here...


Mauer: Same time next year, Derek...?


Holliday: How can I be worried about making plays when I'm worried about who is going to overpay me next season...? 


McCellan:  I'm a huge, embarrassing failure 

Whoa! All Lollipops Are the Same?

Isn't a Chicago Red Hot easier to suck on...

 than a Red Hot Coal?  

Go on...

Daily, er, Weekly Bills

The Buffalo Bills are a sad sack organization. They have a great fanbase, but it is a tortured one. If the Bills aren't wallowing in the basement of the AFC East, well then they are off losing consecutive Super Bowls four at a time. Sadly, this is the most interesting point of note for the entire organization. Don't believe it? Well then allow us to extend an invitation so that you may find out for yourself. You are ALL invited to bear witness to the wretched hilarity that is the Buffalo Bills Daily calendar.

Quarterback Ineptitude Edition!

Thursday, October 22nd

Bills Fact

At the time of Jim Kelly's retirement, only Fran Tarkenton, Dan Fouts, and Johnny Unitas among Hall of Fame quarterbacks had passed for more yardage, and only Tarkenton and Fouts had completed more passes. 

-- 

Bills fans are hopeful that current starter and professional journeyman Ryan Fitzpatrick can one day join Uncle Jim in the record books.  Unless of course former Bill and professional comedian JP Losman has anything to say about it.

And while we here at FSD won't be bringing these interesting factoids (and trivia!)... daily, we will do you the favor of cherry-picking the GEMS such as the one above, so that you are able to know only the truly important details concerning this sad, sad franchise. Until next time, Go Billies!

He Skates So Well!

Oh my... Look at him go.

Is he...?

Is he a...?

Is he a negro?

Go on...

Rock CriDick: Avett Brothers LIVE 10/18/09

Would you look at that?  Some more sports-music-polism (from here on known as Spomulism) synthesis courtesy of FSD.  You're welcome.

Anyway, Sunday night was one filled with expectation and excitement.  After all, the Patriots steam-rolled the Titans, the Jets lost, and Brothers Avett having just dropped one of the best albums of the year, goose-stepped on into town to serenade Boston's swirling mass of college students... Well, at least that is what I determined to be the case based upon crowd composition.

And boy were they excited.  There was a serious pulse to the room, as if the audience were one collective organism sharing in the revelry, while I on the other hand, played the role of invasive organism; benign at heart, but still clearly an outsider.   Neither drunk, nor giddy, nor young enough, I did the only thing I could do, politely sliding into the least crowded section of the packed house, Stage Left.

Go on...

THE SHEET®: Week 6 Results

WARNING: The contents of THE SHEET® Week 6 were compiled prior to Curse-Free Week and do not  qualify as new, crass material, nor as a violation of the rules of Curse-Free Week.

That being said, if it were not Curse-Free Week I would tear one Jables a new... a new... ONE!  After marring our previously immaculate sheet with gratuitous photo after tasteless, and oft quizzical image, he has the erectile audacity to take the win once again.  Now if that's not offensive behavior, then how can one be sure what truly is?

And by the way, it's must-win territory for Deuce and b. Lee for it is getting not only embarrassing, but costly. Deuce might have to pick up a few more night shifts down on Lower Buckeye to make up these costs.  b. Lee?  Don't worry about him.  He's very wealthy.

Le Ginge?  What about him?

Week siiiiiiicks

Rock CriDick: I and Love and You

The longer a band's run lasts, the easier it becomes for people to find faults with their approach.  The Avett Brothers began as a grungy folk band that, as a result of their instrumentation, veered inevitably off in the direction of bluegrass.  Song contents often dealing with lost love and the follies of youth, delivered with precociousness, but with a wisdom not expected from twenty-somethings.

On I and Love and You, we find a different approach; the banjo is now a piano, love lost has been traded in for eternal love discovered, loose meditations on life have now been replaced with concrete observations about the nature of existence in the modern world.  It's as if the boys have been kicked out of the house, and rather than continuing with a reliance on porous relationships and transient principles, the have opted for true bonds and steadfast principles.

Go on...

It's Curse-Free Week at FSD!

That's right, folks.  For the rest of the week, we are banning the use of profane language in our posts.

Why are we doing this? Consider it an exercise in expression, as well as a challenge to break our reliance on the naughty aspects of our language, in order to encourage creativity and inspire, ahm... Inspiration! So feel free to  give a short, sweet farewell to cocksuckers, fuckfaces, and shitbirds, for their time is, temporarily, at an end.  Bid a fond adieu to the cuntmuffins, open assholes, and dicksmokers of the world.  And of course, a hearty adios to the spicmicnighonkhoopleguineas that we hold so near and dear.

And so it goes, these are the last "ear muff"-requiring words you will read on this page for the next four days.  Should you suffer withdrawal symptoms, I ask you, kind army of commenters, to post your Tourette's-induced splurges at some other location.  However, if you would like to join us in this experiment, then by all means, please do so.

And so we're off,  flabby pussy flaps of the blogosphere.  Let's do this thing and  remember to keep it clean until the weekend.  Be bold and keep the cursing to inaudible tones and illiterate scribbles.  And I wish you good luck in this crusade.

Fuck.  This is gonna suck.

Better Know a Contender?

I figure since this may be the last season this team actually exists, it would probably be a good idea to get them out of the way as early as possible.  Wouldn't want to miss the van ride up to Quebec now would we?

But there is something terribly ironic about a team named the Coyotes, being located at the southern-most part of the country, who will quite probably be deported across a completely different border than one would expect in this situation.  It just gives me the chuckles, is all.

But hold the phone, because if the Coyotes can keep up this early surge, then they might not be going anywhere.  What's that?  No one in Arizona gives a shit about hockey and they're screwed no matter how long they keep this up?  Fair enough.  But what say we not worry about this for right now?  Bien.

Go on...

32 Things

As you may or may not have noticed, this blog is strongly biased toward two things in life: football and music.  We try to unify the two in print as well as we do in our own minds, but these things do not necessarily translate all that well when traveling between the abstract to the tangible.  But this new segment appears to be prepped for success and understanding.  It combines our favorite sport with one of our favorite songs and the two get along just fine, even if it is also combined with one of our least favorite things; NFL recap posts.  Regardless, it's 32 Things!

Fan Edition!

32 Things - moe.

Vikings: Hey!  We're finally good, so I guess it's okay to wear our Frank Tarkenton jerseys out once again!  I mean we're all really happy since this is the closest we've been to a Super Bowl in 8 years... And it's only week 6!  How pathetic is that...

Steelers:  No matter where the game is being played we're there!  You know why?  Because Pittsburgh is such an unberable place to be, that we got the FUCK outta there as soon as we could!

or,

What?  You didn't bring your Terrible Towel?  But, we're at the bar!  We NEED the Terrible Towel... AT THE BAR! 

Packers: What's that?  Oh, sorry.  The Vikings were playing and we were a little distracted... Because we suck.

Go on...

En Route: Pickin'

 

I always feel like I should have been born in the South.  My favorite book growing up was Huck Finn, my favorite college football team has always been Alabama (for some reason), and my favorite city in the States, and quite possibly the world, is New Orleans.  I love fried foods, black women (no offense to black men), quiet, little meadows strewn with weeping willows waving lazily across a tranquil pond.  And all that shit is EVERYWHERE in the South, so it would be pretty awesome to setup shop down there one day.

However, it appears that my dream to one day marry a beautiful African American woman would be seriously jeopardized if I ever did move south based on recent trends, and that ain't cool, so maybe I'll just have to lure some lucky, beautiful, black lady northward.  We'll see.

But one thing is for certain, no "non-racist" J of the P is going to keep me from my one true love no matter where in this great country I decid to take up residence.  For my favorite drug in the whole wide world has yet to be regulated by the FDA and that's just fine by me.  Yes'm, so long as Bluegrass is able to touch my soul in that manner in which only she knows how, then things'll be just fine.

And so while I'm doing that, allow these fine poets to touch your souls should you be fortunate enough to have the time and care at your disposal this fine weekend:

If I lived in the South...

• I'd be an SEC fan, and the BIG 10 would still suck... Just moreso (EDSBS)
• Ron Darling would not only be ruining my post-season experience, but also my tax benefits (Awful Announcing)
• I would still wanna be like these guys (Free Darko)
• The Phoenix Coyotes would still be dead to me, but I'd sure as shit find the closest frozen pond to drop triples axels upon... I mean, slap shots... SLAP SHOOOOOTS!!!! (Hockey World Blog)
  

More banjo, less pants though.  Do it to it, y'all.

Evolution of a Celebration...

Or, an Evolbration

Manny makes solid contact...

Go on...

Homegrown Viral Terrorism

Lebron is laid up with the flu.

They're currently treating him for the H1N1 virus.

But I have my own theories...

For I do not believe it to be Swine Flu...

Go on...

THE SHEET®: Week 6

Mmmmmm... Sheety

You are all about to get a firsthand look at what happens when you let the tiger out of it's cage.   Destruction at its finest.

But you see, this is not just an ordinary tiger.  For it's a fucking circus tiger; face-painted and full of shenanigans, making an absolute mockery of the institution that we hold so dear to our hearts.

I should give you fair warning; some of the images contained in the associated link are of an adult nature and could very well be considered to be disturbing.  So, hide the women and children, get the hand lotion ready, and be prepared for some 2 Girls 1 Cup-level humor and nausea.

This is what we get for always having to include Jables in everything we do...

A Haters Guide to the AL/NLCS

"The world needs haters.  Without them, we'd be faced with a society of people walking around, consistently feeling good about themselves."

- Deuce

Because the teams sponsored here at FSD have both been bounced from the playoffs and/or never made it, and in lieu of the fact that we must pick a team to support, we are choosing to say "fuck it." If we are gonna be forced (in the end) to lend our support to some unworthy collection of jagmuffs, then we will not do so without a fight! And so without any additional delay, let us introduce the detestable candidates!

Returning Champs

Why they are unworthy of your support: Because what the shit is with their pitching staff?  It was bad enough that they won the whole thing with that bag of shit last year, but this year is just as baffling.  Jamie Moyer led the team with 12 wins and is not on the postseason roster, the unknown AJ Happ has the best ERA on the team, Pedro has been pretty much lights out and Cliff Lee's ERA has actually risen since joining the NL.  And Cole Hamels... Man, fuck Cole Hamels.

Because if Charlie Manuel played fantasy sports, and was lucky enough to win a fantasy championship, well then let's just say that his team name next year would probably be something like Returning Champs, much to the disgust of his fantasy cohorts, yet much to his own foolish sense of humor.

Because only Jayson Werth can make a soul patch look good on a white dude.

Wait, that should probably be in the worthy of your support portion of the post, huh?

Okay.

Why they are worthy of your support:  Because only Jayson Werth can make a soul patch look good on a white dude.

Also, because I don't know anyone from Philly, so if they win again, then I don't have to hear about it ever.  Which is pretty sweet.

Go on...

re: They'll Put It Together

Coming into any football season fans, observers, and casual admirers all have expectations as to how the season is going to work out.  These can be found here, here, and here.  Without fail, there are always surprises, and those surprises are borne, by and large, from the assumptions that we make about a team. 

The Titans are terrible this year.  We knew that Haynesworth was gone, but we assumed that the defense would not be severely damaged by this loss.  We also assumed that the loss of Haynesworth would not cause the secondary to become the biggest shitshow in the league.  We did the same thing in year's past with the Bengals where we lived by the mantra; they should be good, they should be good, THEY SHOULD BE FUCKING GOOD!  But we overlooked other aspects of their chemistry and makeup that clearly suggested they suck and with good reason.

Go on...

Your Weekly Daisuke-Watch

2009 Playoff statistics:

Record 0-0

ER: 0
ERA: 0.00
IP: 0
Hits: 0
BB: 0
K: 0

All I can say is that the Angels dodged one huge, kamikaze bullet by not having to go up against the Diceman.  Remember what he did to them last time they squared off?  It's okay if you don't, because I can remind you (0 ER, 3 Hits, 3 BB, 5 K, 1 W).  To be honest, I would have led off with Daisuke in game 1 and then probably brought him back for game 3, as well.  Steve Berthaiume agrees.

Sayonara means Go Fuck Yourself!

Go Bombers.

Why Hockey is Better than your Favorite Sport

Because everyone knows what sudden death means.

Recently in the NFL, there has been a rash of retardation when it comes to overtime situations.  Beginning with Donovan McNabb who apparently didn't know that there is, in fact, tying in football.  Then, Marvin Lewis felt the need to punt the ball with about a minute to go in OT two weeks ago, only to be persuaded to kick a field goal instead.  Apparently, he thought they would have the upper-hand in the second OT.  During that same game, former player, professional dickhead, and current analyst Rich Gannon feared that if the Bengals left too much time on the clock, then the Browns could offer a rebuttal, either tying or winning the game in the process.

Go on...

THE SHEET®: Week 5 Results

You all had fair warning, but one of you decided that it was worth rolling the dice.  Jables Durst decided it was more important to cuddle up with his anal squeeze all Saturday night, rather than to jump on the 'Net  and get his picks in appropriately and punctually.  Well, let's just say that we don't expect him to make the same mistake twice...

Wait, this is the second time he's done this already?

Well, let's just say it won't... Oh, who the fuck am I kidding?  Anyway, when it does happen again, he can expect the same treatment he received this time through.

Speaking of Jables, who's on Sheet duty this week?  Ohhh shit.  So, tell you what I'm going to do: I'm going to place and maintain your expectations at the lowest position possible.  After all, this is his first time as The Sheetmaster® and he's really not funny nor is he all that entertaining of a human being,   So in all seriousness, don't expect much from THE SHEET® this week.  We'll try and make it up to you come week 7, of course.

Oh yeah, and in other news, Le Gina is the winner this week, but that's really a contradiction in terms so don't take it to heart.

We're all waiting, Jables; impatient and shuddersome.  Good luck...

You're gonna need it!

32 Things

As you may or may not have noticed, this blog is strongly biased toward two things in life: football and music.  We try to unify the two in print as well as we do in our own minds, but these things do not necessarily translate all that well when traveling between the abstract to the tangible.  But this new segment appears to be prepped for success and understanding.  It combines our favorite sport with one of our favorite songs and the two get along just fine, even if it is also combined with one of our least favorite things; NFL recap posts.  Regardless, it's 32 Things!

32 Things - moe.

1.  Bills - How. Fucking. Sad.

2.  Saints - Two consecutive below average performances from Drew Brees, and here come the Giants

3.  Vikings - Is it possible to wish upon a stroke?

Go on...

En Route: Stumpin'

For Divorce and/or Cold Feet over holy matrimony...

For Regular Season football over playoff baseball...

For Reusable over paper and/or plastic...

For Papa Bear over the other guys in the silly municipal election...

For Legaliztion over... not... legalization

For the Following Articles over, well, at least in addition to Five Second Delay...

• My new favorite blog... Ever. (Hockey World Blog)
• Some good advice (Life and Times of the Strange)
• Looks like the Tigers are still alive in the eyes of some analysts (Foul Pole to Foul Pole) 
• College football rankings 80's-style (Diminishing Skills)
• Dennis Eckersley will not tolerate your censorship, man (The Other Fifteen)

And lastly, for the Patriots over the Broncos...

Long weekend y'all.  Get it while it's good.

Daily, er, Weekly Bills

The Buffalo Bills are a sad sack organization. They have a great fanbase, but it is a tortured one. If the Bills aren't wallowing in the basement of the AFC East, well then they are off losing consecutive Super Bowls four at a time. Sadly, this is the most interesting point of note for the entire organization. Don't believe it? Well then allow us to extend an invitation so that you may find out for yourself. You are ALL invited to bear witness to the wretched hilarity that is the Buffalo Bills Daily calendar.

Coming off a week where the Bills running backs combined for 46 yards on 17 carries (even with the settings on Beast Mode!), we thought this would be applicable.

Friday, October 9th

Bills Fact

The Bills' Thurman Thomas (1988-1999) ranks third among all players in NFL history with 1,422 yard rushing in post season games.

-- 

To be fair, I could probably be in the top 10 in playoff rushing yards considering how many playoff games the Bills appeared in (and lost) during the good old Thermal days.  But since in the eyes of TO the Bills are still a playoff team, maybe Freddy and Shawny can still make a dent in TT's records.

And while we here at FSD won't be bringing these interesting factoids (and trivia!)... daily, we will do you the favor of cherry-picking the GEMS such as the one above, so that you are able to know only the truly important details concerning this sad bastard franchise. Until next time, Go Billies!

THE SHEET®: Week 5

Cual es el sheet?

It's funny what cold weather does to athletes in the eyes of the spectator.  In the last month of the baseball season, often times we forget that there are games still being played.  Most of the time our team is either well out of the race already, or they have a built a sufficient enough cushion that games can either be ignored or at the very least, casual viewing can be tolerated.

But the big issue seems to be that football has started.  The football season is a compelling affair, but the start of the season is perhaps the most interesting aspect of the eyar.  Wow, the Titans suck?  The Broncos are good?  McFadden's a pussy?  With the exception of the third query, all of these things are surprises and it is this element of the unknown that makes it so easy for us to turn away from the humdrum of the baseball season with which we have grown so familiar.

But when the MLB postseason begins, it is as if the players take on a new persona; they are warriors now.  They've gone through 162 games; baked by the sun during the day and waned by the moon during extra innings, only to emerge through the clubhouse doors in October, greeted by the cool glaciation process that is Autumn.  They are no longer ball players, but warriors.  Our respect has been earned and with it, they do battle.

But is this feeling the result of the weather pattern?  Or instead, is it the residual, or the remainder of the phantasmagorical discourse which the advent of the football season creates within our imaginations?  Since we no longer take to the battlefield, these men do it for us, and we honor them with beer, fried food, and curiously overt displays of ego.

And so while that internal debate rages, here's THE SHEET® for week 5.

Caps Lose!

But are still undefeated?

I know that everyone on Campus picked the Capitals to win the Cup this year, but rigging regular season records?  That's just going overboard.

Countdown to 2010: Invasion Edition!

As your may or may not know, the extraordinarily dangerous (oh, and beautiful) country of South Africa will be hosting the World Cup in the summer of 2010. This asshole plans on attending so long as this site starts bringing the appropriate level of advertising revenue. So far we're off to a bad start, but a man can dream, right? Tickets are on sale as we speak and the South African government is scrambling to ensure that their country will be a safe and pleasurable experience for international visitors arriving to support their teams, as well as to enjoy the sites and smells of the Cradle of Civilization.

Go on...

THE SHEET®: Week 4 Results

Ginger bitch takes this one down, just like he has taken so many other things down in life; his peers, his standards, the record for most head given in a single lunch period in high school (don't you just wish you could go back?).

And Jables finally fell back to earth after getting off to a torrid start.  Of course, he didn't fall far enough to lift b. Lee out of the basement, but beaster is feeling a little better after not being left alone, at the bottom of the trash pile as has generally been the case so far this season.

Although, I am pleased that everyone stepped up and actually provided some good answers this week, even if they were horribly awry.

Like someone leaving a voicemail for Dylan McKay; you know the drill.  Week 5 will be up on Thursday.

Go Tigers

BFF DIABLOGUE

No, it's not work of art.  No, it won't be talked about for centuries to come.  In fact, most of us would like to forget that it even happened.  However, we can guaranteee that you will enjoy it more than Melville.  Loquacious cocksucker that he is.  It's the Diablog!

BFF Edition.

Le GINGE has joined
B. Lee has joined.
DEUCE has joined.

 
DEUCE:  brett favre dies tonight

B.:  if all goes as planned

GINGE:  My prediction:  Vikings 31 Packers 18
If the packers want to throw on us they better do quick throws, ala New England

DEUCE:  i'll go with 27-10 vikings
or 31-28 packers

B.:  24-20 Packers... Even if that doesn't make sense sheet-wise

DEUCE:  i should go bet on the vikings
packers will certainly win then

GINGE:  im going to bet on the vikings right now
The line just moved from -3.5 to -5
not cool
Aaron Rodgers 

B.: Bahhhh

DEUCE:  ha!  that's great

Go on...

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Dear SEC Officials,

On behalf of LSU football and all of our fans, we would like to thank you for the victory this past Saturday in Georgia.  The absurd, yet perfectly timed, unsportsmanlike conduct penalty assessed after Georgia scored a late, and possibly game-clinching touchdown, really helped us out.  For there was no chance that our ineffective offense would be able to move the ball more than 50 yards in less than a minute given the mediocrity of our passing game.

You first came to our overrated aid in the third quarter.  Georgia was systematically having their way with our soon-to-be-exposed defense and after firing their way into our red zone, you fine officials, in your infinite wisdom, decided to call a mystifying Unsportsmanlike Conduct penalty which immediately pushed the Bulldogs back out of the red zone.  Unfortunately, Georgia had already figured out our defense at this point and scored an easy touchdown only moments later.  But, as always, it was the thought that counts.

And of course, you made it up to us anyway!  For how could the SEC and the NCAA both not see what was on the horizon?  A 4-1 LSU team against the undefeated Gators?  This makes not for compelling football! But, a 5-0 LSU ball club?  At home?  Against the National Champions?  This is something we can all make a little extra scratch off of!

So I say to you, noble officials: do not bow your heads in deserved shame for the obvious transgression against our unfortunate opponent.  They were a worthy sacrifice to the national televisions gods as well as to their sponsors.  A lightning strike touchdown against a top-ranked defense or not, their celebration could certainly be deemed excessive, at least in our humble opinion.  And apparently in your enlightened opinion as well!  And so once again, allow us to offer our sincerest gratitude to you and your families.  And even though we have every intention of getting stomped next weekend by a superior football program, we still appreciate the opportunity.

Deux Deux,

Coach Miles

32 Things

As you may or may not have noticed, this blog is strongly biased toward two things in life: football and music.  We try to unify the two in print as well as we do in our own minds, but these things do not necessarily translate all that well when traveling between the abstract to the tangible.  But this new segment appears to be prepped for success and understanding.  It combines our favorite sport with one of our favorite songs and the two get along just fine, even if it is also combined with one of our least favorite things; NFL recap posts.  Regardless, it's 32 Things!

32 Things - moe.

1.  Cowboys - Did anyone even notice that Roy Williams wasn't on the field during that final ill-fated play?

2.  Chiefs - A good sign your coach is desperate: an onsides kick to begin the second half.

3.  Ravens - The refs didn't drop that ball.  Mark Clayton did.

Go on...

En Route: Brown Baggin'

So we've been over this already, but (the royal) we'll be in Los Angeles this weekend, listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers, eating donuts, breathing smog, considering implants so long as daddy sends money from Minnesota, drinking OE out of a paper bag, and generally not being a sports fan.

When in Rome...

Anywhere here is Major Colvin's take on the brown paper bag (subtitled for our Hispanic readership):



Amazing.

And here's our take on all things non-FSD:

• Power rankings told exclusively through the lens of the quarterback situation across the league. 
• Why tennis actually might be better than hockey, and therefore, better than your favorite sport. 
• Soooo, Deshawn Stevenson isn't completely insane?  Just kidding, that's obviously the case.
• Do not bring your skateboard along when you are heading back to get your wallet.
  

Have fun residing and/or visiting better cities, towns, and villages this weekend, folks.  Except for Deuce and Ginge.  It obviously can't get any worse for them.

HEADLINES. . . !

Matt Sanchez recently spotted sporting a clean mustache...

Derek Jeter MVP of cloying, delusional sportswriters everywhere in New York...

Inspired by Stafon Johnson, boxers now undergoing intense fellatio training to promote jaw-health...

Chris Collinsworth and Phil Simms brawl on the set of INSIDE THE NFL after simmering, mock animosity devolves into boiling, actual animosity...

Legal system offers no help for NHL’s lingering stray dog epidemic...


Eric Wedge driven to unemployment by his own theory...


Tom Brady the second coming of Jay Cutler… Or something like that...

Delonte West the front-runner for lead role in inevitable remake, herpes-awareness PSA...

Greg Biffle to miss first race of Sprint Cup due to chronic brake toe...

Hockey, B*tch

A hastily drawn up semi-preview of the NHL season featuring heavy coverage of the Boston Bruins and a lazy reference to a more well-written article.

It's difficult to make it through the entire football season while sporting this constant bulge in my Dickies.  I mean, I've gotten pretty used to it over the last five or six years, but still, it involves constant vigilance and control of one's psychological imagery.  Shoot, I can't even think about looking at porn, let alone, you know, actually looking at it.  One false move and this high-wire act I call "maintaining non-soiled undies" is flattened on the pavement below.

Go on...

THE SHEET®: Week 4

What is this sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet?

This weekend FSD is going on a little field trip to the West Coast in order to determine just what it is like to be watching football in a city that does not have a football team on a Sunday morning.  And not just a city that doesn't have football, because who cares about them, right?  But rather, a city that used to have a football team.  Nay, TWO football teams that were both ripped away in the span of a few short years.

And one almost wants to feel bad for them.  Imagine if Chicago had both the Cubbies and Sox taken away over night?  Could you imagine that vacuum that would be created as a result?  Something tells me that this wouldn't stand, or even that the situation would even arise.  But, for those who haven't quite figured it out yet, we're talking about LA here.  A place where the only thing that matters is your self-image and God, could you just imagine being caught dead at a shitty Raiders game with all those FREAKS running around?  

Well, at least not in Oakland anyway.

Yep, it should be interesting to be in a city where the only people that show up to the bars on those Sunday mornings are the transplants who all fully share the same frame of mind when it comes to LA:  It's your own damn fault, people.  But, on the bright side, at least you got the Kobe bandwagon for another 5 or 6 years.

Anyway, lots of talk about other men's balls on THE SHEET® last week.  We always try to improve on things like that with each passing week.  So this week, there will NO mentioning of balls, scrotes, teabags, nutmeat, marbles, cojones, or anything of the like.

Well, maybe one or two.

Picks and sugs. in the comments if you wouldn't be so lame.