Blogsturbation Monday

So while this may fall under the category of "Old News", I consider it to still be burning bright with the hot embers of controversy and intrigue. It was simply too hot to handle last week, and needed to cool a bit over the weekend. Now, we can pick it up and bat it around in order to better figure out what it all means. Let's discuss the Pros and Cons of...

Sourpuss in Chicagoland

Pro:

Denver was able to rid themselves of a potential clubhouse cancer. Sure, maybe McDaniels could have handled this a bit better. First off, by not letting his starting quarterback know that he was being shopped like a prized Filipino adolescent on the open market. But if Cutler was going to handle the situation like the true teenage girl that he is, well then beat it. Pioli taught him well enough to make the best out of a bad situation. Now they can rebuild that awful defense with a bunch of early draft picks over the next 2 years.

Con:

Denver is currently without an elite quarterback. While Cutler is as douchey as they come, he is certainly a much better quarterback than either Kyle Orton or Chris Simms. Kyle Orton is a "system quarterback" from what I keep hearing. Well, what fucking system will he be working with in Denver? Marshall, Royal, go run around and get open, and if it breaks down go deep, Cutler will hit you with his missile arm. That ain't gon be hapnin with Orton at the helm.

Pro:

Chicago picks up the quarterback they never had... And I mean like, fucking EVER. It's a been a sad state of affairs behind the center for the last two decades in Chitown, and now this problem has been addressed. Whether or not they have the ancillary offensive pieces in place to augment this addition remains to be seen. For as we all know, if Hester ain't returning punts for touchdowns, then Chicago ain't scoring. Although this should open up some holes for Forte even with that sorry offensive line.

Con:

When is the next time Chicago gets a draft pick? I mean, their defense is not what it used to be and the needs are piling up. Chicago had the third worst passing defense in the league last year. It was their defense that kept them in games while their offense had trouble getting passed mid-field. Now, it looks like Chicago needs to score real offensive points in order to stay in the game. Is Cutler all they need to accomplish this?

Pro:

Cougars in Chicago can once again be on the prowl. No longer must they be forced to bear witness to the insufferable image of Ye Ol Neckbearded One. Instead, they now have a young buck, who acts even younger then he actually is, which should get the cradle-robbers all sweaty in the grundy. I know Mrs. Deuce is particularly inspired by this development as facial hair has always caused uncomfortable chafing in her special darkness.

Con:

All Chicagoland females with a muff-beard fetish are seriously out of luck... Maybe they can start a petition that will get Cutler to grow some muff-around-the-mouth. But since puberty clearly hasn't set in yet for sourpuss, this may not be feasible.

Pro:

Denver liquor retailers are about to experience a serious boom in sales. Orton might not be one for passing prominence, but when it comes to passing out, the man is a future hall of famer. So no longer shall the reduced alcohol levels in the grocery store beer be a blockade to black out town. It's all Jack from here on out. Get your orders in now.

Con:

Chicago liquor sales will be dropping dramatically, and at a critical juncture during this economic spiral of smegma. Chicago package stores are being encouraged to stock up on baby formula as their new quarterback has developed a strong affection for it, especially since his mother finally waned him just prior to his freshman year of college.

PRO:

Seeing Bears fans talk themselves into this one... Is it football season yet???