The Thorny Goat

Sit back my friends and listen to this tale of woe. Life can hand people different things at birth. We all are assigned different lots. Some people are able to escape these assignments either through perseverance, or even sometimes blind luck. Other people are confined to their lots like feather-less Chickens at a Purdue super-coup somewhere in lower Kentucky. Now depending on your station, certain people surely have a larger range of choices. If you're born under a bad sign, then maybe circumstances can get the better of you. Sure, you still have choices, but sometimes you just end up picking one poison or the other. If you're born with that proverbial silver spoon, well then the world is your playground, and you are free to run around on that playground as you please. But this isn't to say that your actions are free from scrutiny. Certainly not. For the lens of the public eye is all seeing. And no one escapes it.

And sometimes there's a man. I won't say say jerk off, because what's a jerk off? But, sometimes there's a man... Oh hell, I'll just let the numbers and maybe a personal anecdote or two tell the story.

The Thorny Goat came into the league drafted #1 overall, and fulfilled his expectations early on, both on and off the ice. In his first 3 full seasons with the Bruins, he averaged 57 points a season. He even helped the Bruins get passed the first round of the playoffs in '99, which as we all know, is no small feat. Not bad for someone unable to legally purchase alcohol in the United States.

In the next few seasons, his regular season success continued, averaging over 80 points a season, and certainly confirming the Bruins decision to draft the Thorny Goat at the number one spot in the '97 draft. However, regular season success never really seemed to carry over into the post-season for the Thorny Goat, but at the time, one could never tell if that truly mattered.

In time, the relationship between the Bruins and their first love deteriorated. While the Bruins surely have developed a reputation for quitting while behind, it seems that the Thorny Goat may have been primarily responsible for the impending divorce. A quick story:

In the 2003-2004 season the Bruins were storming along in fine fashion come April of 2004. They won the Atlantic Division, and narrowly missed the number 1 overall seed in the Eastern Conference Playoffs to the eventual Stanley Cup champions, the Tampa Bay Lightning. Just as the playoffs were to begin, Boston was to host the NCAA Frozen Four, featuring hometown favorites Boston College. In order to prepare for the event, the crew at the (then) Fleet Center needed to paint the NCAA emblem at center ice in preparation for the games.

So prior to one practice, the Thorny Goat notices cones setup around the perimeter of center ice, and asks in not-so friendly terms just what was going on. A member of the bull gang responds that the paint needs time to dry and so they put up cones so that the Bruins players can try and avoid the middle of the ice. The Thorny Goat kindly responds, "Well, if I need to skate through the center of the ice, then I'm just going to go ahead and do it." Ever the magnanimous one.

After the Bruins choked away a 3-1 series lead to the Habs in the first round of the playoffs in 2004, the Thorny Goat was sent off to warmer climes come the middle of the 2004-2005 season. Whether it was due to money or irreconcilable differences, one cannot be sure. But chances are that it was combination of the two.

So, once provided with a new lease on life, the Thorny Goat quickly acclimated to his surroundings, scoring 92 points in under 60 games for the San Jose Sharks. And over the next few seasons, the Thorny Goat continued to be the primary point-getter and playmaker for the Sharks, leading them to the playoffs in each season from 2006-2009.

However, much like his days in Boston, the Thorny Goat's regular season successes never quite translated to the postseason. In 9 playoff appearances, the Thorny Goat has amassed a record of 34-43. Twice the Thorny Goat has been on top-seeded teams, and on both occasions has been bounced from the playoffs in the first round (2002 and 2009). Twice the Thorny Goat has been on 2nd-seeded teams, but in both instances his teams would suffer 2nd-round eliminations (2004 and 2008). To this day, the Thorny Goat has not reached a Conference Final.

However, there is still time for the Thorny Goat. He will celebrate his 30th birthday this July, and as we all know, hockey players can play well into their 30's, and sometimes 40's. So, while the Stanley Cup may have alluded the Thorny Goat up until this point, one can see that time may still be on his side.


So, keep amassing those individual accolades, young Thorny Goat. It is only a matter of time until your hard work and patience pays off. But one thing is for certain, if this observer has his way, you will never even sniff a Stanley Cup. You are a chump and choker, who also happens to be kind of an asshole. And if you continue to be the goat like you have throughout your career in the playoffs up to this point, then I have nothing to worry about.