Daily, er, Weekly Bills

The Buffalo Bills are a sad sack organization. They have a great fanbase, but it is a tortured one. If the Bills aren't wallowing in the basement of the AFC East, well then they are off losing consecutive Super Bowls four at a time. Sadly, this is the most interesting point of note for the entire organization. Don't believe it? Well then allow us to extend an invitation so that you may find out for yourself. You are ALL invited to bear witness to the wretched hilarity that is the Buffalo Bills Daily calendar.

Let's hear it once again for the Daily Bills:


Friday, July 31, 2009

Bills Fact

In the midst of OJ Simpson's 2,000-yard rushing season, Bills' vice president of public relation, Bud Thalman creates the nickname "The Electric Company" for the offensive line. When queried, Thalman replied, "Because they turn on the juice."

--
You guys know what else turns on the juice? Leslie Nielsen slapstick comedies.

Didn't see that one coming, did you?

And, while we here at FSD won't be bringing you these interesting factoids... daily, we will do you the favor of cherry-picking the GEMS such as the one above, so that you are able to know only the truly important details concerning this sad bastard franchise. Until next time, Go Billies!

The Hyperbolic Chamber

The Tebow Incident



Reporter #1: Coach Spurrier, were you aware that Tim Tebow was left off of your preseason All-SEC ballot?

Ol' Ball Coach: Well, you see now, I left the job to my assistant, Jimmy. Now you all understand that I am a very busy man, and I can't be everywhere, signing every form, and wiping my own ass all by muhself. And so you see, I had my assistant fill out the ballot.

Reporter #2: Coach, is your assistant unaware of how truly amazing, and WORTHY Tim Tebow is?

Ol' Ball Coach: Now, hold on now. I assure you, that all of us here at Columbia fully appreciate the talents of Timmy. This was a simple mistake. Jimmy stated that there were already a bunch of Gators on the ballot, so he decided to shake things up a bit.

Reporter #3: Coach, has your assistant taken refuge in the Witness Protection Program?

Ol' Ball Coach: Now, I'm not sure what you're implying with that question, but I'm not sure I like it...

But either way, I let Jimmy know that we needed to get Timmy's name on that ballot, because of course, that is where he belongs.

Reporter #1: Coach, have you contacted the necessary parties in order to get the ballot changed?

Ol' Ball Coach: Indeed, I have. I called them up and asked if I could make a small change, and they have allowed us to do so.

Reporter #2: And did you decide to snub the greatest living athlete in the world, once again?

Ol' Ball Coach: Are we still talking about the same guy here? No, everything has been taken care of.

Reporter #3: Coach, are you aware that due to Lord Tebow's relationship with the almighty, he does not hold grudges, but rather has the ability to send the souls of enemies directly to hell?

Ol' Ball Coach: Okay, I think we're getting a little off topic here... I'm not sure why Timmy would need to hold a grudge in this instance. This whole mistake has been resolved.

Reporter #1: So, Tim Tebow's name has now been unanimously added to the preseason All-SEC team, is that correct, Coach?

Ol' Ball Coach: Yes, sir. That is correct. Now we can... MOVE on.

Reporter #2: Coach, when the ballot was being cast, was neither yourself, nor your assistant, truly aware that Tim Tebow is the greatest quarterback that has ever, or ever will, live?

Ol' Ball Coach: Well, Timmy certainly is a gifted quarterback and will most likely have a long, successful career for years to come, if that's what you mean.

Reporter #3: Coach, I believe what he means is that Tim Tebow is actually the Second Coming. You've heard of Touchdown Jesus, correct? Well, Jesus didn't end up in South Bend. He's down in Gainesville, right now.

Ol' Ball Coach: Well, I'm not much for blasphemy, but your zeal is, well... Interesting.

Reporter #1: Coach, are you at all afraid that you may have provided any bulletin board material for Tim Tebow and the Gators for your upcoming game in November?

Ol' Ball Coach: Look, now November is long ways away, and I'm sure that Tim isn't all that worried about his preseason ranking. I'm sure he is aware, and comfortable with his standing in the pantheon of college quarterbacks.

Reporter #2: But Coach, you are aware that even ultra-talented, super-attractive, intensely-admired quarterbacks still have feelings, correct?

Ol' Ball Coach: Well, I don't think Tim's feelings are hurt, as I just said...

Reporter #3: (Interrupting) Coach! Even demi-gods shed tears every now and again.

Ol' Ball Coach: Now, that's not even a question, for Christ's sake. I think everyone just needs to take a breath here.

Reporter #1: Coach, how much do you think you will lose by on November 14th? Current Vegas odds have you as a 20 point underdog. And that's on your home turf.

Ol' Ball Coach: Now that game is still looong ways away, and I think my team can compete with anyone in the country, so my money is on the Gamecocks.

Reporter #2: Coach, Vegas odds also have the over/under on Tim Tebow touchdowns for that game set to 12. You going with the over, or the under?

Ol' Ball Coach: 12?! You gotta be kidding me... UNDER!

Reporter #3: Coach, Vegas odds also have the over/under on South Carolina virgins impregnated during the game via Tebow's Divine Spirit set to 21. Over or under?

Ol' Ball Coach: Now wait just a got dang minute here. Tim Tebow is a self-professed virgin, and even if he wasn't, impregnating that many women in one night just ain't even possible.

Reporter #3: Tim Tebow will still be a virgin after the game, Coach. And impossible it would be, if he were human. However, it is His DIVINE SPIRIT that will be inseminating these women. So this is absolutely within the realm of possibility.

And I'm taking the over.

Ol' Ball Coach: Okay, that's enough of this craziness...

Reporter #1: One more question, coach!

Ol' Ball Coach: Okay, fine, but only because you're the only asking REASONABLE questions here.

Reporter #1: Thank you, coach.

Now, how many more mediocre seasons is it going to take before you get fired?

Ol' Ball Coach: That's it...


/Storms off the podium


(Muttering) Got damn bat shit crazy sunsabitches. I'm the got dang OL' BALL COACH. I don't need this NON-SENSE.

So, I Guess This is Goodbye?

Ohhh, so any player that is caught cheating prior to 2004 is cool.

It's just any player that is caught doping after 2004 should be punished eternally?

Because, players prior to 2004 just didn't know any better. The world may as well have been flat to them. Right...

It seemed strange that Papi decided to defend A-Rod during this little speech. But, in actuality, he wasn't defending him at all. He was defending himself.

What was that, you ask? Oh, don't worry. It was just the sound of my heart breaking.

BFF...

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Hatin' On Your Home Town

Polism is certainly a widespread phenomenon. When combined with the pugilistic nature of sports and the Internet, it can certainly take on a freakish life of it's own. Because we here at FSD are masters of Ju-Jutsu, we understand that all things in life have a force. This force must either be embraced or deflected as it cannot very well be resisted (ibid, your honor). Therefore, we are just going to go ahead and embrace it. As much as I would like to tone down the venom, I'm just not sure that is a possibility at this point in my juvenile development. And hell, it can only get us that much more ready for football season, am I right? So let us get to this week's entry in order to better understand why your home town is just so shitty...


Next up!


Man-made deltas and concrete ri-vers,
South takes what the North de-li-vers.


Lost Fan-geles




Where did they all go?

Actually, this is a picture from just prior to the opening pitch of NLCS Game 3 from 2008. Don't come all at once, folks! Otherwise, how are we going to fit all that smog and ink inside of the stadium?

Of course, Californians like to take things slower. They say it's intentional, but I disagree. I mean, when there's a donut shop and a liquor store on every corner of your city, how can one not be tempted to make at least one, or shit, several pit stops?

Hey, is that Lindsey Lohan over there? Unfortunately not, but she is a movie start of sorts. Yep, that girl will be appearing in at least one of three pornographic features that will take place in the back seat of a minivan this summer. They grow up so fast...

But it isn't just the donut shops, the liquor, the drive-bys, and the genital warts that keep the LaLa's running late. I mean, have you seen the traffic these people suffer through each day? Maybe if their games started at 8pm PDT, these jock supporters would be able to make it to the games on time. Or maybe it would just provide them with an extra hour of botox injections and an additional opportunity for Jose to get his surname tattooed on his forearm. It could go either way.

Although it's not all bad, right? You got the most famous taint in all of sports, right? You got a beloved soccer legend, right? And all those Raiders fans with no place to go but north up to Oakland, or south straight to Hell.

I'm kidding. After all, you are the proud holders of the 2009 NBA championship! But could someone please explain to me why the rmajority of the crowd sits in the dark, while the only people that actually get exposed to any light aside from the players, are Dyan Cannon and Jack Nicholson? If I wanted a lesson on bad skin conditions I would visit a fucking burn unit. Oh, it's because there might not actually be anyone else in attendance? So they keep it dark, and therefore, secret just in case? Makes sense. It's a lot like your snuff porn industry then, no? Wow, what an analogy for Laker basketball.

And by the way, nice fucking name. It doesn't make one god damn spec of sense. Do you just hate Minnesota that much? Well, I guess that makes sense...

But you know what my biggest problem with your flaming shitstick of a city is, aside from your shitty air quality, dreadful skyline, and never ending urban sprawl? That for some reason, other cities appear to be modeling themselves after your disastrous experiment. It's bad enough that Anaheim feels the need to latch onto you like a parasitic critter finding nourishment in a pile of dung, but Phoenix appears to be following suit as well. Whether it's the spinning rims and the cars parked on the front lawn or the fake titties and apathy toward all-things culture; you have somehow tricked other towns into thinking that the grass is greener on the other side of the San Fernando Valley, even though there ain't shit for grass over there!

Neat trick, LA. But this cat's not fooled. Besides, it's only a matter of time before St. Andre decides to suck you right back into the Pacific Ocean ass first. On the bright side, all that plastic they put into your faces should keep you afloat for sometime and maybe you can make it to Yuma for the early run on beach front property. And besides, when that does happen, maybe Minnesota can get their team name back.


Best (and only good) thing about your city: The film Chinatown and its influence on the film Brick

Cody, WY...

AMERICA!


It has been a while and I know that all of you are pining for some sports-related material, but before we get there, I just wanted to share a few observations based on my recent excursion to the Rocky Mountains. Specifically with respect to my host town of Cody, Wyoming. So, because you probably do not know already, and because you need to know this, let me go ahead and tell you what CODY is...

Cody is a tourist town just east of Yellowstone National Park...


Cody is named in honor of William "Buffalo Bill" Cody (pictured above, sort of)...


Cody is considered, by people from Cody, to be the world capital of the Rodeo...


And as a result, Cody is considered to be the world's most stanky town...


Cody is a place where you can purchase Fat Tire draughts for $2.50...


Therefore, Cody is a place where you can get very, VERY drunk for very, VERY cheap...


Cody is a nesting area for Harley Davidson riders from across the country...


Due to a lack of helmet laws, Cody is a place where road kill typically consists of human brains...


Cody is a place where you cannot hail a cab...


Cody is a place where the few cab drivers that do exist, will talk to you about the local bars where women pee on themselves in the parking lot...


Cody is a place where Dick Cheney jokes are not welcome...


Cody is a place where Barack Obama jokes are encouraged...


Cody is a place where you can actually find some decent restaurants...


Cody is a place where the waitresses at these restaurants will accuse themselves of cradle-robbing an older man...


... And after the accusation, Cody is a place where that waitress will recoil in horror once that older man suggests to meet with up her later on in the evening...


Cody is a place where men get jacked off underneath the bar...


Cody is a place where girls punch other girls in the back after their boyfriend is jacked off underneath the bar...


Cody is a place where the average height of an adult male is 6'3...


Cody is a place where the average size of a woman is 34D...

Cody, Wyoming:

The land of big dudes and bigger boobs

Cody is America.

With the Power of Solar...

Anything is Possible!


So, this past weekend I was up in the mountains being muddy and distracted, so I have limited material with which to fortify your visual facilities. But even if I did, I am not sure that I have the mental capabilities to really stimulate in the way that I normally would. That being said, I still understand that Roy Halladay is still awesome and AVAILABLE(!), that all old men get tired over time, and that NO2 is really not that good of an idea. Some of these things are obvious and universally understood. Some of them need to be refreshed and occasionally reinforced.

Tomorrow I will be heading off to another mountain range, for a wholly different adventure. So, unless one of the three deuchigos decides to write something, then the content may be on the thin side for the next few days. That being said, by the time I get back we still hold these truths to be self-evident; hockey is better than your favorite sport, NASCAR is not a sport, and NO2 is always and forever a bad idea...

Most of the time, anyway.


PS. As the picture above suggests, I found a new and exciting way to attain the necessary fix, even though I left my lighter in the car. I am now a full-fledged member of the Alternative Energy lobby.

Daily, er, Weekly Bills

The Buffalo Bills are a sad sack organization. They have a great fanbase, but it is a tortured one. If the Bills aren't wallowing in the basement of the AFC East, well then they are off losing consecutive Super Bowls four at a time. Sadly, this is the most interesting point of note for the entire organization. Don't believe it? Well then allow us to extend an invitation so that you may find out for yourself. You are ALL invited to bear witness to the wretched hilarity that is the Buffalo Bills Daily calendar.

Let's hear it once again for the Daily Bills:

Friday, July 17, 2009

Bills Fact

The Bills famously acquired Jack Kemp for the waiver price of $100 when the Chargers tried to sneak him through in 1962. The California-born-and-raised quarterback originally didn't want to leave San Diego, but eventually became a star in Buffalo

--
Didn't want to leave San Diego for Buffalo? Fuck was the matter with that guy?

While we here at FSD won't be bringing these interesting factoids... daily, we will do you the favor of cherry-picking the GEMS such as the one above, so that you are able to know only the truly important details concerning this sad bastard franchise. Until next time, Go Billies!

NFL Network Strikes Again

All we wanna do, is sit on my couch, eat some beef ribs, and watch some pre-season football. But is that possible? Not if the suits over at Comcast and the NFL Network have their way.

No, sir. For you see, BIG Cable and the NFL have teamed up once again to stick it to the lil man. Because, in all honesty, all I wanna to do is watch the future non-member of my FIGHTIN' Texans' secondary go up against the future 4th wide receiver of the San Fagcisco Sixty-Niners. That's it. That some kinda crime 'er sumthin?

That's right, folks. The NFL Network has claimed exclusive ryghts to every pre-season game from now all the way up until opening night. I'm callin it a liberal, Obama conspiracy. Pansies hate football is all that is. And they hate free football more'n anything.

First the feds make us git rid of our ol' rabbit ears, and we say, "fine." Now, they's tryin to make us git some big ass cable package. Nuh uh. Nosiree. In this 'conomy, they thinkin' we can afford this buuullshit? Man, I don't even like that Rick Eisen and Deion's clothes makes my eyes hurt.

So, NFL, if you's thinkin you can pork us, and refuse me my disalienable ryght to pre-season football, then you's damn fool. I'm gonna go git me some UFL, and you'lls a come runnin'.

And another thing, we don't need no Latina judges!

3...

Walkin' a Mile in No Shoes At All.


Across the Atlantic Ocean, in the middle of the Sahara, whole villages are being burned to the ground, mothers and daughters are being raped, children are being slaughtered and nothing is being done about it.

Western Sudan is a fucking disaster. The atrocities being committed there are at least on par with that Saddam coordinated prior to his dismissal. The only difference in this case is that Saddam was not actively trying to eradicate the entire Shi'a population, unlike the current regime in Sudan who has made it a point to kill as many African civilians as possible in Darfur.

Most Americans either do not know much about the situation in Darfur, or they just don't give a shit. The US government has by and large been silent on the issue, seemingly preoccupied with the current tw0-front war being waged across the Middle East. Which is why it is nice to see one of the more visible figures in American culture lending his press power to the cause.

Often times celebrities choose to throw their weight behind a particular cause. Rock stars will write songs about hunger, actors will adopt babies from Bangladesh, pampered heiress' will come to the "aid" of their gay friends. We pretend to care, we act like we contribute by buying the album, seeing the movie, or buying that cute top. We expect this behavior from such public figures, whether or not it actually makes an real impact or not is debatable. But rarely do we see this kind of behavior from athletes. Athletes, either out of ignorance, apathy, or fear of sponsor reprisal, never seem to publicly speak out with respect to political affairs.

Sure, we saw Lebron come out in favor of Obama last summer, but considering the results of the November election, this was about as controversial as choosing Coke over Pepsi. Tracy McGrady, rather than just talking, has actually done something. He recently traveled to Chad in order to visit with some of the displaced Sudanese refugees. And since then he has been speaking to people across the country in order to drum up awareness not only of the crisis, but also in order to raise money for to meet the specific needs of the refugees.

This seems different from the average Hollywood starlet placing a pin over over her collar, and not only due to the fact that McGrady's actions are so uncommon given his profession. Rather, his actions seem to have a significance simply due to their potential alone. Athletes are generally larger than life figures both in stature and lifestyle. Unlike actors or musicians, who can hide in their respective studios, athletes are constantly visible, yet we continuously stand in awe of them. Even a contrarian such as Benny DC would still be noticeably stirred in the presence of a figure such as a Shaq, or even a Terrell Owens.

The average athlete does more for his or her community, country, and world than any average citizen, and we, the fan, preach that this is the way it should be. After all, they're fucking rich. They should do these things. But at the same time, we don't want to be preached to. "That's fine Brangelina, but just cause you wanted to give the poor Asian baby a better life, doesn't mean you have to rub it in my face." But aside from the money and the prestige, any average citizen can do the exact same thing. The NBA Cares! Well so do I, goddamn it. I can sign up for Habitat for Humanity and rebuild the Lower 9th... but the game is on in like 10 minutes, so...

But that's the very point; when someone like McGrady gets involved like this, it is different, and all aspects of his life come into play including his size, lifestyle, charisma, and reach. He is a walking billboard, but like none we have ever seen. The off-court actions of an athlete resonate in a different way than the movie star or the musician, because we attach ourselves to the athlete in a different way. The movie star and the musician's actions unfold in an orchestrated manner. Scene 7, take 4. 3rd song, 2nd set. There is neither a script, no setlist for the athlete because the game is dictated by too many variable elements, and the athlete must operate within these fluctuating circumstances... And we watch it all unfold, seeing how the athlete responds to real life stimulus.



Sure, Tracy looks about as clueless in some of the scenes as any of us would were we thrown into a Rockets-Lakers game in the middle of the 3rd quarter. And that's the best part about it. Because he is trying just as hard in this situation, as we would in that situation. But what is important is that Tracy has chosen to step down from his tower of untouchability and dropped into the real world. In fact, he has dropped to a place that is even below the real world, and has invited us all the follow. Follow down to the places that we would rather not even think about on a day to day basis. But if the high profile that he has brought to this situation, combined with his leadership skills developed on the court, can get not just the common person off of their ass, but also more athletes, then this could be a watershed moment.

This ain't Dhani Jones Tackles the Globe, folks. There's no contract in it for McGrady. In fact, there's really nothing in it for him at all. But there's something in it for us, and there is definitely something in it for those suffering across the world. And so in the face of all the misery that we typically choose to turn away from, for once we can acknowledge it and maybe even grin in the face of it, albeit for a brief moment. And we can thank the new number 3 for that.

A propos of nothing...

. . . Dave Winfield is fucking enormous.

. . . I mean, the man is a literal giant.

. . . He's on ESPN right now, shrugging his shoulders just to fit on the screen.

. . . I swear I just tried to put a waiver request on him in my fantasy league.

Blogsturbation Monday

All-Star... Bust


So, we're currently at the crossroads of the suck; the MLB All-Star Break. Otherwise known as the place where sports go to die. If you thought it was bad after the NBA Finals ended, well you ain't seen shit yet. "But, what about the Home Run Derby?!", you ask. You mean, the circus show designed specifically for children, and ball-hawking clowns like this asshole? No, thanks. Even if they removed Berman from the broadcast it still wouldn't be enjoyable. By the way, have you seen ESPN's commercial for the Derby? The one where they have Berman on a loop, responding to the montage of homers from last year's derby, going "OH!"... "OHHHH!"... "OHHHHHHHH!" Well, let's just say that I enjoy my Baseball Tonight with a side if Internet porn, and this very commercial has caused me to switch over to the MLB Network because every time that very commercial aired, it was instant flaccidation. Thank goodness the menace has almost run it's course.

So because of this athletic cockblock, and because I don't read newspapers nor do I have the scouting network such as an institution like Deadspin has, I am forced to mine our own material, refabricating it in the process in order to make it new. Therefore, we are going to take a look at our, well, mostly my first-half projections during our MLB Previews to see if everything is on schedule so far. I say mostly my projections because, at the time, Deuce was battling a chronic case of BONG DICK... It's like Whiskey Dick, only way different. But anyway, here's what the soothsayers over at the Psychic Wing of FSD had to say about the way in which the Divisions would ultimately shake down:

AL East:

b. Lee - Sawx > Yanx > Rays > Jays > 0's

And this is true to form... At the moment

AL Central:

Deuce - Twins > Sahx > Flint's Finest > Royales > Injins

It's actually Tigers > Sox > Twins at the moment... Dumbass

AL West:

b. Lee - LAoA > Tex > Oaktown > Sailors

Switch the Mariners and A's and you have the actual standings, but neither are making the playoffs so who cares?

NL Central:

b. Lee - Cubs > 'Stros > Cards > Brewdogs > Reds > Rats

Top 3 aren't panning out so well, but that's what I get for betting on the Cubs

And since Deuce is a huge, embarrassing failure, I am just going to go ahead and assume that these were his picks for the remaining two divisions:

NL East:

Deuce - Braves > Mets > Phillies > Marlins > Nationals

Hey, at least you got one right so far, asshole...

NL West:

Deuce - Snakes > Dodgers > Padres > Rockies > Giants.

Hahaha... What a poor bastard. But that being said, it still could certainly shake out this way. After all, there is a lot of ball still to play. But just get to it quick, all this free time is causing some serious self-evaluation and I'm currently floundering in all categories... Just not as bad as Deuce, of course.

HEADLINES. . . !

Erin Andrews' chin unable handle Alex Cora's ball-pounding...


Eddie George regrets never getting to say how sorry he was for being so shitty all those years...


Nike confiscates footage from game 4 of the 2007 NBA Finals...


Donte Stallworth cautious about the prospects of institutionalization while on mansion arrest...


Shawn Marion already struggling to climb out of Dirk Nowitzki's shadow...


Dozens of soccer fans flood local bookstores to purchase Landon Donovan's tell-all...


NFL bans Ocho Cinco from tweeting during games due to his own illiteracy...


Lenny Dykstra strongly recommends investing in some of that Lenny Dykstra...


Eastern Conference's reaction to Celtics' recent acquisition: Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed...


Barstool Sports doesn't talk about sports, sucks...

Daily Bills

The Buffalo Bills are a sad sack organization. They have a great fanbase, but it is a tortured one. If the Bills aren't wallowing in the basement of the AFC East, well then they are off losing consecutive Super Bowls four at a time. Sadly, this is the most interesting point of note for the entire organization. Don't believe it? Well then allow us to extend an invitation so that you may find out for yourself. You are ALL invited to bear witness to the wretched hilarity that is the Buffalo Bills Daily calendar.

Let's hear it once again for the Daily Bills:


Friday, July 10, 2009

Bills Fact

The Bills played three overtime games in the first four weeks of the 2002 season. All three were decided by touchdowns in the extra session, with Buffalo winning two of them.

--
Ah, the rich history that only Buffalo Bills football could provide... Such a wealth of data to draw from, I'm guessing that the well will never run dry. And while we here at FSD won't be bringing these interesting factoids... daily. However, we will do you the favor of cherry-picking the GEMS such as the one above, so that you are able to know only the truly important details concerning this sad bastard franchise. Until next time, Go Bills!

Mother Fuckers

If you see a grammatical error would you please let me fucking know? I'd really prefer it if I knew these things in advance, rather than coming home from a night of drinking and smoking, then going over the blog, and noticing some egregious errors in a week-old post. You know what that does to my psyche? I mean shit, look at my job title in the upper right corner of the screen! Does it look like I am capable of both posting and proof-reading?

Some day there are going to be more than 4 of you reading this here blog, and if we're if going to, I don't know, double our readership, then we've got to do it together. So please, help your dear editorer out and do his work for him.

Thanks in advance... Pussies

Where's Waldolo?

For the second consecutive season, Bartolo Colon has gone AWOL. In 2008, while under the employment of the Boston Red Sox, Colon was suspended after desaparición somewhere down in the Dominican Republic. Rumor has it that Big Bartolo was to be moved to the bullpen in order to make room for Paul Byrd, and probably would not have even made the post-season roster anyway. But still, what the fuck?

And now he has apparently done the same thing to yet another Sox organization. 'Rolo is scheduled to make a minor league start this evening down in Charlotte, but at the moment, the tubby bastard is MIA. Not sure if he got homesick once again, but has anyone checked the restroom over at the local Bojangles? Fat ass could have just had a mean case of the sChartlotte's, and may have simply fallen asleep on the can after all that hard work. Trust me, it's possible and I think it's a good lead.

One thing is for certain, if Chubby plans on being employed next season, he best find some Prep. H wipes and get on over to the park tonight. Takes a good salary to support El Gordo's dietary habits and $2 a day just ain't gonna cut it.

Hatin' On Your Home Town

Polism is certainly a widespread phenomenon. When combined with the pugilistic nature of sports and the Internet, it can certainly take on a freakish life of it's own. Because we here at FSD are masters of Ju-Jutsu, we understand that all things in life have a force. This force must either be embraced or deflected as it cannot very well be resisted (ibid, your honor). Therefore, we are just going to go ahead and embrace it. As much as I would like to tone down the venom, I'm just not sure that is a possibility at this point in my juvenile development. And hell, it can only get us that much more ready for football season, am I right? So let us get to this week's entry in order to better understand why your home town is just so shitty...


Next up!


The Ugly Twin


Land of 10,000 lakes, and 10 billion mosquitoes, so what's not to love, right?

How about everything? When Minneapalsies aren't busy being fit or getting trapped under collapsed bridges, they're off not attending baseball, basketball, or football games. Seriously, I'm pretty sure more people showed up to be extras during the playoff scene in Little Big League, than for an average regular season Twinkies game. So what are they doing instead? Who the fuck knows? Maybe worshiping at the eventual alter of our BFF?

Not that I can blame you for never showing up to your home games. At least not with the way that management treats your loyal support. Randy Moss, Johan Santana, Kevin Garnett, Torii Hunter, WALLY SCZERBIAK! I mean, these are some major stars that your owners and GM's have either traded away or simply allowed to walk out the door. To be truthful, I'm shocked that AP is still in Viking purple (nurple). But give him some time, I'm sure he'll find a home in the Northeast sometime in the near future. I'm sure it was worth letting these guys go considering the successes of these individual teams over the last few years. Although I'm sure the T-Wolves are just a point guard or two away from breaking through... Muuwahahaha!

I'm sorry if I offended any Minnesotans by attacking your attendance track record and correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't two teams fled your state for other, more economical confines? Isn't that why there is a team in Los Angeles called the Lakers and a team in Texas called the (North) Stars? I will give you some credit since those were two of the coolest, most applicable names in all of sports... But you lost them, so I take back the credit and will then debit the same amount.

And while we're on the subject of names, did I forget to mention, forget to mention your hockey team? Congrats Minnesota, you have THE worst-named major sports team in the world. Did the decision-makers have some kind of fetish for shitty Meryl Streep-Kevin Bacon films? Oh, it's actually a John C. Reilly fixation? Well that makes more sense. But next time you lose a team to another city, and then get another lesser team, make sure that the petition goes out ensuring that your team name ends with a god damn "S". Screw y'all for enabling the existence of the OKC Thunder. You've set a precedent and even a shitty tort lawyer-to-be should understand this infraction.

I know. You've had a tough go of it lately, and it's only going to get worse once our (and your!) BFF goosesteps on into town. Imagine that, the guy that you've hated for a decade is now going to be your passing game savior. But don't worry too much because I'm sure your shitty coach will screw it up somehow. Plus, since you're only renting the BFF, so both he and Childress can pack their bags together, ride off, and be jackasses in some other locale.

But don't look so sad! At least you have your lesser twin to the East to make you feel better about yourselves. I mean, St. Paul ain't go shit to celebrate. But at the same time, they don't have anything to feel bad about either. But to be fair, you are inextricably linked, and not just in terms of proximity either. After all, each of your teams belong to Minnesota, not just Minneapolis. For shame. Now the rest of your vacuous, awful state has to share in your city's misery. And that's just selfish.

And one more thing; can the Twins please stop making the playoffs for fuck's sake? I know, your coach is kind of awesome, and your team is full of scrap. But, if I have to watch them bunt and steal their way to anymore 3-2 victories, before inevitably falling to a superior AL East team once again, I'm gonna lose it. Stop ruining my October! I already have enough on my plate considering the long, hard Winter that is on the way. And the last thing I need is more Minneapolis in my life.

Aaand lastly, the good people of Red Sox Nation would like to extend their thank you for providing them with the services of one David Ortiz... Yahtzee!

Best (and only good) thing about your city: Dr. Lawyer IndianChief

Conscientious Objections with Benny DC

Every month or so we will be receiving a contribution from my friend and fellow bleeding heart, Benny DC. He'll be acting as the angel on your shoulder, questioning your moral character, the import of your actions, and generally just pissing you off. However, we here at Five Second Delay feel the need to provide contrasting opinions, so long as we get to decide when and how that opinion is transmitted. It's been a while since Mr. DC has graced us with his fine brand of patronism literature so be sure to soak this one up. Do it to us, Benny:

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Apparently, you all are still here. Or at least, B. Lee still sees fit to waste his superior writing talents preaching to a quietly spinning and unresponsive world wide web. Perhaps if he wrote about something meaningful, people would pay attention.

Here is what I know about recent sporting events:

1) the Pawtucket Red Sox put on a helluva fireworks show for the Fourth of July this weekend. (Just to clarify for you regular readers: that is not a bad sports metaphor, it’s a note on pyrotechnics.)

2) Roger Federer won at Wimbledon, which is a big deal because now he’s the winning-est tennis player ever or something. Maybe he can afford a haircut now. Boom.

3) Kobe was in the NBA finals, but I had to bing who won the title. Really. That happened. I used bing as a verb in a hope they’ll spread some of their American Recovery and Reinvestment-sized promotional budget on sponsoring this (highly ir)regular column.

Here’s what I’m really trying to say: You guys really think that spending your evenings and weekends watching young men with their beautifully sculpted bodies perform physical acts of impressiveness against each other isn’t part of some repressed homoerotic fantasy?

Here’s what I mean: Me fishing last weekend is better than you watching the “local team play ball” because while we both had livers full of Sam Adams seasonal, I was enjoying the sun on my face, the breeze on my cockles, and the actual experience that I was having out on the water hauling bass. You were living vicariously through John Lester. On TV.

Or maybe this is it: In midst of the death of a quarterback and a pop star, did we all forget that there’s a few folks in Iran pulling for democracy? That maybe our attention to them, our caring, was kind of important to their revolution? That international soccer was a REALLY big deal for a second there?

You all keep chugging along though. Because the NBA off-season matters . . .

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Thanks again, Benny. It's clear that your excitement over Sheed's arrival in Boston is as palpable as our own. And for the record, fishing is not a sport. Until next time!

Yeah, But It's Not a Sport

Back in the simpler times, when we were all younger folks, we spent a lot more time outside, being active and not fat. We would be out, running around with our friends, playing backyard football and sideyard whiffle ball, and just generally not playing the role of the sedentary slob that modern living and a 9-5 work schedule has cast us into. Back then we knew what a sport truly was; it was anything that got you to run around, or anything that required some kind of athletic ability. If you weren't athletic, well you sure as shit weren't capturing that flag, kicking that can, or dodging that ball.

Nowadays, with the rise of sports entertainment, and no I don't mean you professional wrestling, it seems that anything we might simply enjoy in our leisure time is now a sport. Playing cards, casting a line, and reading a book all seem to have a place somewhere on the ESPN network. It seems that if one does something for sport, then that makes it a sport, and then somehow one is excepted into the pantheon of athletes due to this turn of phrase. So maybe we should start with an attempt to untangle this web of bullshit.

To say that you enjoy something for sport, simply means that you enjoy the competition of the affair, real or imagined. You enjoy shooting wild game because it is you versus nature, or you enjoy the battle of wits in a game of poker. So in this case, sport simply means competition, or the pleasure derived thereof. I, for one, play Magic the Gathering for sport.

A sport, on the other hand, requires specific athletic ability. In a sport, you need to be able to run, jump, throw, shoot (using your arms or feet, not your fingers), kick, punch, and most importantly, be on your feet (skates (bladed or wheeled) are an exception, as are those dudes from Murderball and wheelchair marathoners). Perhaps the single overriding factor in all of sports, or what makes a good athlete, is balance and body control. Offensive linemen, sprinters, boxers, goalies, gymnasts; they all require balance and body control, in addition to their specific skill sets, which allow them to thrive in their respective competitive endeavor.

This brings us to the subject of NASCAR. There is no debating the fact that driving a car at speeds of 200 mph, while wearing a heavy fire-retardant jumpsuit, and turning left for 3 straight hours is hard work. G force is pulling the driver's body in the opposite direction for the entire race and it takes strength, stamina, and quick reflexes to keep things from getting out of hand in a matter of seconds. These men are wondrously skilled at what they do, and there is no intention to demean or undermine their abilities. The question remains, however, just what is athletic about this process? Is it merely the fact that, "Well, you couldn't do it"?

What makes a great athlete is prowess in their respective sport. Lance Armstrong is a great athlete because he dominates the Tour. Shaq is a great athlete because he is both a freak and has been consistently relevant for well over a decade. Barry Sanders was a great athlete because, well, have you ever seen the guy play? But what makes a superior athlete is crossover ability, which is to say the ability to compete in multiple sports. And I'm not talking Michael Phelps' ability to both backstroke and breaststroke better than everyone else. I am talking Bo Jackson, Deion Sanders, and Jeff Samardjimajig. People who have demonstrated proficiency in multiple competitive sports.

Yet this seems to be the common bond that all true sports share; if you are good at one sport in particular, then chances are that you can at least hold your own in another. Lance Armstrong might not be able to dunk, but he can probably D up for a whole game without a break. Shaq might be too slow to be a tight end, but he can probably make some good downfield blocks. And Barry Sanders... Again, have you ever watched the mother fucker?!

Obvious Ricky Bobby-related stereotypes aside, you rarely see a chubby NASCAR driver... With the exception of Tony Stewart. These men need to be in some kind of shape to operate the machine that they occupy. But what about their sport translates elsewhere? What do we know about the physical ability of these men or women outside the confines of their automobile? Can they run, jump, or throw a baseball? The only evidence that we have as to any physical ability is Carl Edwards' backflipping capabilities... Which if he is able to do after 3 hours of so-called grueling work, then he is either an extraordinary athlete, or the work he just did isn't as physically demanding as advertised.

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If you've seen King of King: A Fistful of Quarters, then you are familiar with Steve Wiebe's (pronounced WEEB) live performance at Fun Spot up in New Hampshire. It took Steve two hours to get to the Donkey Kong kill screen and he didn't have any breaks. Stamina and concentration were obvious components of this piece. But is he an athlete?

If you have ever spoken with a truck driver, then it is clear that this profession certainly takes both strength and concentration to do what this man does. Driving an extremely heavy piece of machinery across the country for potentially days on end is certainly strenuous activity. But does that make him an athlete?

Now what if we merged Steve Wiebe with the anonymous truck driver, added a dozen or so competitors, and turned the speed up by about 100 mph? Now, while this frankenstein would certainly be something wonderfully skilled, there is still nothing that suggests that we have created anything resembling an athlete.

NASCAR drivers are certainly skilled. However, skills do not necessarily imply athletic ability. Randy Moss could not simply jump into the stock car tomorrow and begin bombing around Daytona at 45 seconds per lap. However, if he spent a year training, he probably would be able to. He might not be at the top of the Chase standings, but he could compete. Put Jeff Gordon on the football field tomorrow and what would he be able to do? Football is too rough? Fine, baseball. Baskbetball? In a swimming pool?

Granted, we don't know what Michael Phelps can do outside of the swimming pool. But, we do know that he is in fantastic shape and that his sport demands peak physical conditioning. Why? Because he is doing the work exclusively. There is no machine that he is operating within. He puts 7,000 calories of fuel into his stomach, rather than into the tank of a Chevy.



An individual NASCAR driver could certainly be an athlete, but based on our definition of an athlete (someone who has crossover ability and/or whose sport requires peak physical conditioning, rather than simple conditioning), we cannot uphold the claim that NASCAR drivers are truly athletes based on the requirements of their sport. Driving is a skill and is something that can be learned. Whether or not you become good at it is a different question, but we all have the potential to get behind the wheel of a car and drive.

Competing in a sport such as basketball or even figure skating requires that you are an athlete first and foremost. If you are not athletic, then try all you want, but you will never be able to step on the field at a competitive level. Now these sports also require skills, so one could theoretically practice juggling a soccer ball all day and become very good at it. However, this would not make you a good soccer player unless you had the athletic ability to utilize this skill on the pitch, accompanied by superior speed, fitness, and coordination.

Ultimately, the difference comes down to one of order. To be good at sports, you must be athletic. If you are athletic, then you acquire the skills to succeed in a particular sport. In NASCAR you must first be a skilled driver, and then you improve on those skills. Athleticism is not necessarily required, but is merely phenomenological, in that it evolves from the repetition that goes into improving one's driving skills. Ergo, NASCAR drivers may be athletes in a very limited sense, but strictly in terms of what their own sport requires, and nothing suggests that being a better athlete than the driver to your left improves your chances of winning a race.

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This is certainly armchair in nature, and by no means exhaustive, but I am interested in coming to consensus on just what makes an athlete, and from there, what is truly a sport. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. But no fighting please. I guess some people take this stuff pretty seriously...

Daily Bills

The Buffalo Bills are a sad sack organization. They have a great fanbase, but it is a tortured one. If the Bills aren't wallowing in the basement of the AFC East, well then they are off losing consecutive Super Bowls four at a time. Sadly, this is the most interesting point of note for the entire organization. Don't believe it? Well then allow us to extend an invitation so that you may find out for yourself. You are ALL invited to bear witness to the wretched hilarity that is the Buffalo Bills Daily calendar.

Introducing, the Daily Bills:


Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Bills Fact

Bills' quarterbacks had combined to pass for only five touchdowns all season before Trent Edwards had four scoring tosses in a 38-17 rout of the Dolphins in week 14 in 2007.

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Sadly folks, this is actually one of the better ones... We at FSD won't be bringing these interesting factoids... daily. However, we will do you the favor of cherry-picking the GEMS, so that you are able to know only the truly important details concerning this sad bastard franchise. Until next time, Go Bills!