Better Know a Contender?

There aren't many movies that have come out in the last decade or so that have caused as much controversy as Wild Things.  Half the critics loved it (or at least accepted it) and the other half despised it.  Any 14 to 40-somethign male probably watched it late one night when the wife or the parents went off to bed, hoping for something... stir.  The film featured a nearly burnt out Neve Campbell, as well as a Denise Richards searching for her last great attempt at stardom.  Call it a tasteful porno.  Well, until you introduce Matt Dillon, and then how could the acting be confused with anything else aside from pornography?  At least then the movie would have an excuse for pedaling such laughable dialogue.

To be fair, the movie never had a shot to begin with.  One could hardly take any of the actors seriously and aside from a blind ending, there was really nothing to keep you interested at all.  Well, except for the boobies, of course.  And it is in this latter consideration, where the film actually becomes appealing.  How appealing?  Well, let's just say more appealing than the hockey team named in honor of this trashball fantasy.

The Minnesota Wild!  A team so lame they picked a mascot that is a state of being rather than a specific object.  In that sense, the Thunder is a better name than the pasty white Lutherans were able to come up with. The Wild... Come on.  How about "The Arctic", or "The Bush", or "The Absurd".  Actually, "The Mediocre" would probably be the most applicable, because look at the some of the superstars on this team:  Chuck Kobasew, Eric Belanger, Guillame Latendresse.  Who?  Exactly.  Even the so-called superstars (Mikko Koivu... and that's about it) are damn-near unrecognizable.  Mainly, because they can't score goals!  Chicks (and dudes!) dig the back of the net, but these cats got about as much chance of that happening as a frustrated viewer waiting for Neve Campbell's beef curtains to flash the screen... Because what did you have to lose Neve?!?  Your career?!?  At least you still got that, right?!?

Tied for the 7th fewest goals scored in the league, the Mild appear to be concerned with keeping the puck out of their own net, more than scoring, considering that they only allow 28 shots on net per game (5th best in the league), yet only take 29 shots per game (8th worst in the league).  Not sure why this is the case, considering that Niklas Backstrom (a wasted casting... Sort of like Bill Murray in Wild Things) is no doubt capable of stopping a few more shots each game, so long as his teammates would oblige a few more scoring opportunities.

Shit, take some chances, you know (Are you listening, Neve)?  Sure, you might not have the cast to hang with a superior conference opponent such as Chicago or San Jose, but you're not trying to hang with them.  You're trying to do your thing.  A win here, a masturbation scene there, a shoot-out victory, every now and again, and then boom: a playoff appearance.  It's not an Academy Award nomination, but put the people on notice.  And for God's sake: The Wild?  Wouldn't "The Wildmen" have made so much more sense, even in a college mascot kind of way?  But let's continue with our overriding allusion a change it over to the Minnesota Girls Gone Wild.  Embrace it and go with it, because after all, when is the last time we heard from Neve Campbell anyway?

Players to Watch: (even if the team in unwatchable)

Mikko Koivu - The future of the Wild is actually the present.  Mikko currently leads the team in both points and assists.  Who he is passing to?  We cannot be sure.  But if the Wild can add a sniper, then Mikko's value will only rise.

Owen Nolan -  The Kevin Bacon of the NHL, Owen seems to have played everywhere and with everyone, and yet he is still pumping out the hits.  Currently 3rd on the team in goals, the Wild are going to need a solid second half scoring push from the Irishman if they want to make the playoffs.

Andrew Brunette - Perhaps one of the most underrated players of the last decade, Burnette has barely missed any time in the last 10 years of his career and has been a consistent 20-goal scorer and playmaker in that same time period.  Currently leading the team in goals, the Wild better hope that Brunette has a little extra in him this season, as he is most likely the key to any late season success.