Where Have All the Vinatieris Gone?

Disclaimer: The subject material that follows is simply being presented due to compulsory conditions. In no way does FSD find the subject material of any interest or import. If we had it our way, the subject of the following piece would be banned from competition and consideration, fantasy or otherwise, never to be spoken of ever again. We too have a dream, Martin Luther King, Jr. We too have a dream...

I suck, but at least I gave it my all, right, gang?

Since we've soured on football in recent days, let's keep the hate coming with a simple statement:

Kickers suck. 

We could end the post with that and maybe have the greatest consensus of all-time with respect to any topic ever discussed.  They don't practice with the rest of the team, they have the lowest level of responsibility, they're all white and ugly, and unfortunately, they're all absolutely necessary.  What a terrible situation.

This year, NFL kickers went 756 for 930, posting a success rate of 81.3%. So that means out of every 5 kicks, roughly 4 were made.  Or, if we're talking about a good chunk of the season, then the average kicker would make 18 out of every 22 attempts.  Not bad.  That is if you're taking free throws and are taller than 7 feet.  And since the average number of attempts this season was 29, then the average kicker will miss 5.5 of these attempts.  And how fucking annoying is that?  And how much more annoying would it be if Nick Folk were your kicker, who out of 28 attempts, missed 10 of them... TEN!  Of course, now he is no one's kicker, so there is a silver-lining in that regard.  And don't worry Josh Scobee, I didn't forget... About how much you suck, too.  In fact, you sucked in the EXACT same manner as Nick Folk.  Impressive.  On the bright side, you could have been a Texans fan and watched Kris Brown miss 11 attempts... 2 of which came from inside 30 yards.

Sure there were some decent kickers this year.  Kickers such as that fat guy that got caught with roofies way back when and that short Italian spaz with the huge nose.  Wait, did I just say Italian with a huge nose?  Forigve the redundancy.  Who else do we got?  Oh!  Neil Rackers, and  Nate Kaeding, of course.  Two playoff, well, former playoff kickers who, while fairing admirably in the regular season, showed their true skidmarked colors when it counted. 

Combined stats: 1 of 6. Long: 23 yards.

Nice work, fellas.  But they're not the only kickers struggling in the playoffs.  In fact, the playoff average is hovering around 58% for successful attempts.  Yikes.  But who else would you want in a pressure-filled situation than the short white guy, with the chubby thighs and the inevitable drinking problem?

Of course, this is all academic since no one actually remembers the missed field goals.  Well, unless you're a Bills fan.  And we're by no means saying that kickers are not essential.  I mean, if we're talking fantasy football, the yes, they're useless and any fiortune you may receive as a result of them, is purely incidental.  But if we are talking reality, well then, I think we would all prefer the 41 yard field goal attempt (and miss), rather than every team going for it on 4th and 7 from the 34 yard line.  But what we are saying is that kickers are a lot like a woman's period: obnoxious, ridiculous, and disruptive, albeit pretty fucking important.

And how much does that suck?