Dear Football

It is with great concern and anguish that I posit the following question:

Is everything okay?

Generally you fill our lives with such limitless joy and delicious blind rage, yet these days, you have been distant at best, providing us flashes of brilliance wrapped in bushels of boredom.  Lately, well, you kind of suck and so we just need to know: are you mad at us or something?

It all started with Bowl Season when you teased us with a high-flying Fresno St. - Wyoming matchup that really got everyone very excited for all that was to come.  But after a Pitt - UNC snoozer here, one half of good Sooner-Cardinal there, and then a Sugar Bowl beatdown, we were left feeling empty inside.  All we could wonder was, had football abandoned us?

In time we talked ourselves into the fact that it was merely a down year for college football.  Sure, the bowls looked good on paper, but these were still the same teams that disappointed us since September, so why would anything change now?  Besides, the NFL playoffs were about to push the college kiddies aside and show us all how it is done.  So there was hope.

Yet so far, we have been treated to 1.5 entertaining efforts through 8 playoff matches.  And that's a generous score, considering that the Jets-Chargers affair was about as as good as that Boise St. - TCU battle of ineptitude.  Ohhh, defense is sooo fun to watch, huh?  If that were the case, then instead of watching porn at night, I'd travel down to the local Baptist college campus and watch religious fundamentalists-in-training try to dry hump their plastic-housewives-in-training... And fail miserably in the process.  The Jets-Chargers game sucked and we have now rescinded the previously applied half credit.

So all-in-all if it weren't for an epic battle in the desert between the Cards and Pack (for which I credit Aaron Rodgers and the Apostle Kurt rather than you), then where would we be?  We hate to say it, but we'd probably not even be watching.  Well, let's not dabble in hyperbole here, because we'd be watching, but we would all be even less excited than we already are!

Now... we promised that ourselves that we wouldn't say anything that we would later regret, and we don't have any intention of regretting the following statements, so we will proceed, unhindered:

Football, we tried to bring the love.  On several occasions, in fact.  But you just threw right back in our faces. And as everyone knows and has experienced at some point in their lives, there is nothing worse than having your own love be rejected and then thrown back in your face.  So, we're flipping the book-script-shit right now.  From here on, you're getting nothing but hate.  Colts?  Jets?  Saints? BFF (obviously)?  Welcome to the Haterz Club y'all...  And so what if it is all a transparent attempt at reverse psychology, because it also happens to be what we're good at it.  VERY good at. You asked for this, football.  And now you're getting it. Good day, sir.

Indignantly,

Football Fans of America