For What Tiger Will Apologize...

No one knows for sure, but we have our suspicions and we're prepared to share them with one and all.

Here goes:

• For betraying the trust and admiration of his all his fans, friends, and most importantly, his family...

• For embarrassing his sponsors, past and present, and for harming their public image...

• For forcing everyone to watch and potentially even pull for Geoff Ogilvy each Thursday-Sunday...

• For disappearing off of ESPN's Tiger Tracker for the past few months...

• For making TMZ the world's #1 news outlet for 4 solid weeks...

• For distracting the American public away from the Obama administration's ineptitude, as well the Republicans primary objective to equate the president with Hitler...

• For that stain that, let's face it, will actually never come clean...

• For that time we role played to the script of American Psycho and the chainsaw just got a little too close to your body...

• For saying that your breasts were not as lush as Mickelson's...

• For convincing you that I prefer the back 9 to the front 9... If you know what I mean...

• For sighting the PGA rule book, thereby preventing that fifth participant in our group, because it would have been that much more fun...

• For Paul Greengrass' The Green Zone not being called The Bourne Omnipotency, even though that's what it probably should have been called since it's the same god damn movie as the other three...

• For the death of that luger guy who died before the Olympics, because I don't know, I kind of feel responsible for that one for some reason...

• For getting in the way of more important news stories like the global recession, genocide in various locations across the planet, a military coup in Niger, climate change, and all the other stories that you should care about but don't since you are too lazy, dumb and nosy to care about...

Honestly, fuck you, guys.  Grow up.  I'm Tiger Woods and I'm about go win the Masters this April and their ain't a damn thing you, the media, or anyone on the PGA Tour can do about it.  And your name don't have to be "Loredana Jolie Ferriolo" to choke on that!

I'm Tiger Woods, bitch-ez!