Short Track Speed Skating I Love You

But sooner or later you're going to have to face the fact that you're a god damned asshole.

You're like NASCAR, only not as prolonged.

You're like musical chairs only cooler (and only slightly).

You're like roller derby just with less teamwork (and again only slightly).

You're like regular speed skating only, you know, less athletic.

Where did this event come from anyway?  Probably from the short person factory, because unless you come in at under 5'6, then you don't have a chance in this sport.  In fact, I'm pretty sure they got the idea from watching rats wiggle through confined mazes in search of that ever-elusive slice of cheddar.  Make the maze a circle, put it on ice, sprinkle a few Koreans out there and boom: short track.

You could argue that ski cross is a similar situation, but the difference is the beginning of the race, or the "rhythm section" as it has been labeled which almost universally separates the racers and much moreso than the "race to the front" that occurs at the beginning of a short track race, and which never actually separates the racers, leading to physical contact between skaters, which no one on earth, not even the judges, being able to determine to be either legal or illegal.  So, it is more or less just a free-for-all without any real way of determining who is good, bad, or dirty... Even though we all know it is the South Koreans who are dirty.  Oh, and the Chinese, too.

Plus, short track is also responsible for the creation of one colossal clown in Apollo Anton Ohno and his oh-so-edgy bandanna.  The dude who yawns, and is then asked to explain why he yawns (because he's unimpressed).  The dude who is has a dad, and is then asked to explain why he has a dad (because dads are so in right now).  The dude who celebrates bronze medals, digits in the air, as if they matter (because Gold is so 2000).

And yes I'm transfixed every evening, with heart pounding, and a firm stake in each and every race, hoping Lee Jung-Su takes out Lee Ho-Suk, so AA Oh-No can swoop in and earn another unearned medal.  Just like a good asshole does: grossing you out, yet sucking you in at the same time. 

And it's shitty.