Boobs?

Take a close look, Ache-Man, because there has gotta be some nice bare titties in there somewhere.  Especially when you consider the fact that this picture is directed squarely at the bare-breasted capital of the continents: Mama Africa... Bras always optional.

But these aren't the boobs that we want to focus on at the moment.  No, we want to talk about the fatty breasticles that managed to vote a modern-day, journeyman stiff into the All-Star game's starting lineup.  Generally, I have no problem with such brazen exposure, but in this case, allow me to play the roll of an insecure censor pressured by a few stay-at-home moms with too much time on their hands, breathing down my neck, because Janet Jackson just flashed her A-cup to the world. (Oh, picture found... HERE... And oh, what the hell? Here you go).

I have read the only valid defense of Allen Iverson playing in the All-Star Game, and it is still unfortunately insufficient.  Sure, the All-Star game is not simply about production in the current season.  It is all about seeing the stars.  Is Shaquille O'Neal deserving of a spot on the starting five for the Eastern Conference?  Of course not.  But would anyone be that upset if he was?  Shaq is an entertaining athlete.  He would give the crowd something to gawk at, and he has fun out there.  Plus, he has actually, you know, contributed to a team's success this year.

Allen Iverson is neither an entertaining athlete (anymore), nor has he contributed to any team's success this season.  In fact, if you would really like to pull on it, AI has only contributed to his team's lack of success.  AI's record on the season in games in which he has actually appeared?  9-16.  Teams records without AI (because remember that shady business down in Memphis)?  Sixers (6-5) and Grizzlies (24-17*).

Quick Math: 9-16 with AI. 30-22 without AI.

Thank goodness the goal of the All-Star isn't to win, am I right?  Because otherwise the East would be fucked.  And we're all fucked too, to be honest.  I mean, we're the ones that have to watch this thing (that is, if you're not already watching the Olympics like a sane person).  Then again, this is what we asked for, isn't it?  The NBA gave us the power and this is what we did with it.  But is this the wisdom of the masses, clamoring for a chance to say goodbye to their former hero, by giving his career to commendation it deserves?

Or, is it rather the knee-jerk voting that generally characterized any nationwide election?

Rondo?  Rose?  Who the fuck... Oh!  Iverson!  I know him!

/Vote cast.

And considering how many teams AI has played for (and lost with), this all makes a whole lot of sense.  It was as if the man was on a 2-year campaign, stumping for himself in order to gain entry to the halls of Jerry World.

And I heeeearrrd the people of Denver!  And I heeeeearrrd the good people of Detroit!  And I heeeearrrd my friends and neighbors and Memphis!  And you KNOW I heard all my peoples, in Philly... And you have spoken.  Rejoice!

We're all for democracy around these parts, but let's not lose sight of the muck in the blinding familiarity of normally useful institutions.  AI's appearance in the All-Star game's starting lineup is a fraud and it takes away from the exposure that actual All-Stars like Derrick and Rajon require in order to, I don't know, START IN AN ALL-STAR GAME.  If you want nostalgia, then go into your basement.  I'm sure you got plenty of useless crap down there to remind you of the good old days.  You want democracy, then let the fans vote in one player of their choosing that was "snubbed".  Either way, two things are for sure; first, that no one would be calling it a snub if the rosters came out and AI's name was missing, and two, after you've had that good rummage through your basement, it becomes pretty clear why all that stuff was in the basement to begin with: it's crap and you didn't need it anyway.

BOOBS!