The Inmate(s) is Running the Asylum

Sorry, I didn't just ruin the ending for anyone, did I?

So I made a promise to write 2 blogs this week. Now, Deuce here is a lot of things. But if I'm nothing else, I'm a visionary who consistently lacks follow-through and initiative. But if I AM something else, it's a man of my word. So here I go, ending FSD's first EVAH streak of consecutive days of no-posting at 2.

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Friday Bonebag

/Friday Shitbag

Bonebag:

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  The vocal chords are still reeling from high-pitched shrieks sent forth from the pub last night, but I guess a top notch Sweet 16 battle will do that to you.  Anytime you reach the point when you are absolutely willing to accept either team winning a contest, you have reached athletic nirvana and hopefully we all at least got close last night.  Kansas State's elite backcourt carried the day combining for 53 points, and some especially clutch shooting down the stretch from my man on your left.  Then again, Xavier's backcourt wasn't too shabby either, pouring in 58 points.  Huge shots, dramatics, two likable teams, this game was just a treat and had me peeing like I was up all night have sex this morning, which I'll take... Which I'll take.

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Dear Mr. Fantasy,

Give us a clue...
Something - that makes us look witty

Does your fantasy team suck? Probably?

Does your fantasy team name suck? Probably?

Well, we can't do anything about your first problem, but we can sure as shit do something about the second!  Introducing,

FSD's 2010 Fantasy Baseball Better Than Your Current Name-Drop!

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Baseball's Kanye West

Where to begin...

A lifetime .277 hitter who has now switched teams 9 times in a 10-year career, versus a 14-time Grammy winner with three #1 albums, and one #2 album on the Billboard charts.

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Sweet Sickness - That Side

May my love reach you all,
I locked in myself and buried too long.
Now that I've come to fall,
Please say that it's not too late,
Now that I'm dead and gone.

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Sweet Sickness - This Side

The good news? Pretty awesome tournament we have going right now, eh?  A solid mix of predictable favorites and completely unpredictable sleepers that have ravaged brackets like a horny Russian in Cold War East Germany.  Dance of Death, indeed

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Better Know a Contender?

What do you get when a team models their mascot after a grade school computer game?

Why you get the Buffalo Sabres, of course!  America's team!  And aren't they cute?  You have to love any team whose two greatest moments occurred 40 years ago, and not even during an NHL-sponsored event, respectively... And both were losing efforts!  But we are talking Buffalo here, kiddies, where losing is an institution.  But not just losing, losing as painfully and as often as possible.

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It's All His Fault

In his most recent article, Gene Wojciechowski compares the "old" NFL Overtime rules to a game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors."  In fact, he intimates that "Rock, Paper, Scissors" is actually a better system for resolving a game that has bled into an extra session.

Gene Wojciechowski, ladies and gentlemen, is a fucking clown.

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Hi, My Name is Chris Evans

And I only do superhero movies.

And why is that? Well, because as everyone knows, super heroes are smart, buff, and very, very confident. Some would even say cocky. And why shouldn't they be?  They're smart, buff, and very, very confident.

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Why Hockey ISN'T Better than your Favorite Sport

Because unlike Roger Goodell, David Stern, and yes, even Bud Selig, these assholes don't have a clue what they're doing.

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Blogsturbation Monday

And the Big Four are Syracuse, Duke, Cornell, and Northern Iowa?  That's awfully white of this tournament.  Sure Kentucky has looked very solid in their first two games, but what do those first two games mean anyway?  Maybe we should ask Kansas... But in all honesty, we would have to say that Northern Iowa is the favorite against Sparty, no? I'm not sure I've seen a more confident team than the Panthers so far.  And without Lucas, how confident can Izzo's bunch really be?  That luck can only last so long.

As for FSD, our money is on Washington walking out of this thing cleaner than anyone else.

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6-11 Is the New 5-12!

First off, yesterday was the most glorious day in a long time.  No, I don't care about the condition of my bracket, nor should you yours.  Brackets don't mean shit, especially when you picked Vandy to do anything ever (ps. what's wrong with you?).  At this point in time, what's done is done and so there's nothing else to do but put your bracket in your sock draw and leave it there until the first weekend in April, because if you're too busy sobbing over Notre Dame, then amidst the tears, you're going to be missing some really fantastic basketball.

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Sickness Live Blog

I'm thinkin' of a - Live blog to
En-ter-tain you work-work-working stiffs.
My mind's content to - ball all day long
In hopes that it's gonna give-give-give me a lift.

I'm late!  Let's hop to it!

This live blog is sponsored by the following song:

The Stick - Ted Leo & the Phar...

1:05pm - Nova the super-duper unimpressive regular season that didn't deserve a 2-seed, showing early on why... they didn't deserve a 2-seed.  Robert Morris 24 Nova 16

1:15pm - Apparently every game is at half-time... And the bartender is less-than impressed by my sparkling white laptop that is on the bar.

1:16pm - Maybe Robert Morris can beat Duke?

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Sickness South 2010

And as I listen at your wake
I saw how only you could make
Triumph out of tragedy
Tragedy into a divine comedy

West Sickness
Midwest Sickness
East Sickness
South Sickness

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Sickness East 2010

That woman deserves her revenge...
And we deserve to die...
But then again, so does she.
So, I guess we'll just see...
Won't we?

West Sickness
Midwest Sicknes
East Sickness
South Sickness

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Playin' Sickness

How could we forget the game that pretty much, kinda, doesn't even really count?

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Sickness Midwest (2010)

You can a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there.
But wouldn't you rather take his word for it?

West Sickness
Midwest Sickness
East Sickness
South Sickness

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Sickness West (2010)

Every night and every morn, some to misery are born. 
Every morn and every night, some are born to sweet delight. 
Some are born to sweet delight, some are born to endless night.

West Sickness
Midwest Sickness
East Sickness
South Sickness

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But First!

We've all been alerted to the genius that is Name of the Year, but are we aware of all the corporate knock-offs that have emerged as a result of its existence? 

One such entrepreneur (read: thief), and good friend of FSD, has scoured the records of his employer to locate and provide us all with some of the best names that his terrible, terrible job has to offer.

It's the MT Name of the Year!

Rock the bracket, y'all.

The Return

Considering the weak state in which so many teams are limping into the tournament this year, we have decided to dub the 2010 Sickness as "The Big Dance... of Death".  With so many lying at death's doorstep (see: Texas and Purdue) and/or dead already (Wofford and, well, Purdue again), it seems fitting.

At this point, everyone should be aware of THE SHEET® , so there's no real need to go into the details, unless you really want to, of course.  Basically, we're bringing you THE SHEET® March Madness-style.  Coming soon, we will have all four regional brackets posted, but each will have its own FSD-spin to it.  No actual team names (usually) will be found and instead, you will see 64 puns, name-plays, and potentially clever references to the female anatomy.

Get excited, y'all... It's about that time.

Let Me Get This Wrong...

So, you got rid of two terrible quarterbacks, so that you could... Bring in two more terrible quarterbacks?

Mike Holmgren, the fat genius, strikes again.

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En Route: Parade Pissin'

Okay, Here's what YOU gotta know!

My name is Seamus O'Shanahanigan and I'm a fucking St. Paddy's Day All-Stahhh!  Nobody's mohre Irish than I am, no one Pahty's as hahd as I do, and I love myself a fucking parade.

Why? 

Tits, booze, and buds.  The best fuckin' buds in the world I might add.  Shohre, sometimes I gotta break a bottle or two ova theih heads, but we'rall bettuh friends fawrit aftuhwoods.

Hehe's what you do:  Get 64 beers for yuhself.  That's right, 2-thirty packs of somethin' strong and then yuh gotta finagle 4 mohre of those lite pieces of shit.  The lites ah fuh when those faggots come mahchin' down Broadway.  I hate those fuckin queehs, rubbin theih cocksuckin' noses in my face.Well, hehe you go homos: 4 gay beehs slung right into yuh gay faces.  Now, beat it!  And take yuh Obama neighbuh cahe, with yuh!

And that's pretty much it.  All you need is lots of beer, eyes to see tits with, and an irrational hatred of gays and dahkies.  Happy Paddy's Day folks!

What ah you lookin' at , yuh fackin loozuh?

• We're in complete agreement, Dan-O! (With Leather)
• I think I just heard a handful of youth soccer players scream in horror (The Big Lead)
• Well this should surely inject some excitement, eh? (SS Reporters)
• Oh, it's that time! (Name of the Year)

Green beeh is fuh gay queehs.

Your Mandatory Pre-Fight Post

For the first time perhaps ever, Texas will be warmly welcoming the prospect of two illegal immigrants crossing their border for the primary purpose of pugilistic entertainment at Jerry World this weekend.  It's impossible to even consider this fight in lieu of the breakdown that occurred in negotiations between Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao.  In turn, it is also impossible to view Pacquiao's opponent this weekend, Joshua Clottey, as a mere substitute, and an insufficient one at that.

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I'mpostor

Torii's comments are interesting for a number of reasons.  First off, what is he even thinking?  I mean, we all have our interesting thoughts, and maybe they even make sense in our heads, but anytime we attempt to explain them to others, they just never seem to come out properly.  Torii didn't mean to lampoon his Latin teammates or anything like that.  He was merely acknowledging a real difference between African Americans and Latin Americans, and one that exists beyond skin color.

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Better Know a Contender?

In an economy where nothing seems to be stable, there are certain enduring institutions that we all rely upon that comfort us in times of crises.  Whether it is cheap cheeseburgers at Wendy's, dollar drafts at the local pub, bigotry toward homosexuals, and scalped playoff tickets in Hockeytown, USA, these fixtures keep our minds focused and at ease as we all, in a way, psychologically stake our own fortunes to their continued presence. 

When these institutions dissolve, well, you get Detroit as the result.

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KG the Clown

Clowns are obvious caricatures.  They're supposed to look ridiculous because, well, that's the whole point.  They look ridiculous because it is intended to mirror their performance.  Pulling an endless thread of multi-colored fabric out of your mouth, piling into a car with your gay clown friends, and shooting water of the plastic flower attached to your lapel.  All of it is absurd, but the humor crime fits .  It's supposed to be ridiculous.

So what happens when absurd behavior doesn't fit?

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Got Any Gum?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

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The Day After Dan Snyder

I know... A music review in the middle of a sports fan's ground zero?  Sometimes I seek refuge in the simpler things in life, when the art of running, jumping, and tackling just becomes a little complex for my waning mental processes.  Well, it's not really the physical attributes mentioned above that get me all curious George, but the financial considerations that make the operators of such movements go.  Because, seriously... What the fuck?

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Rock Cridick: Measure by Field Music

Field Music's Mypsace (and homepage) displays the following caption:

Pretending to be a band since 2005

Well, at least they have the courage to admit to their tenuous existence in the rock world.  Most bands continue to flutter around, pretending to be a band, long after we have all stopped pretending to care.  And at first blush, one could very well assume that Field Music is not only pretending to be a band, but pretending to be a band that has already existed in the past, based on the tight pop arrangements, glittering harmonies, a soothingly casual approach to melody, and an almost obsessive attention to detail.

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A Brand New Day

What's this?

Has ESPN finally expanded suffrage to the unwashed masses?  Allowing them to be counted amongst the Elect?  Sharing public bathrooms and water fountains?

Must be a glitch in the system somewhere.

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How Cute...

Two spoon-fed mama's boys, one from Silicon Valley, the other that speaks Italian, "toughing" it out and "scrappin" with one another out on the court.  

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Know How I Know You're Guilty?

Because you just hired the guy that got the jury to believe that Ray Lewis wasn't a murderer...

Even though we all know he is.

Just substitute the word "murderer" for another negative descriptor and you get the picture. Even if that word is only "scumbag", because at the very least, there's no way Ben is ever sidestepping that categorization.

Welcome to Kobeland.

Why Am I Not Surprised?

Because we're talking about Kevin Durant.

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En Route: Sparrin'

What a week for controversy, huh?  Specifically surrounding the surly practice of fisticuffs.  Most notably when freshman phenom Brittney Garner declared to Texas Tech's Jordan Barncastle that she would, "crimson her face in a hue not unlike her togs!" And boy did she ever. 

But women's sports were not the only arena where fighting was a story.  For NHL hockey, coming off a successful Olympic bump is now hearing calls to remove hockey one for all from the game.  "The Olympics were great and there was no fighting," critics charge.  In response, Steve Downie and Danny Carcillo dropped the gloves as soon as the opportunity presented itself this passed Tuesday.  The world kept turning and everyone lived.

Anyway, I think we can all agree that fighting, well very exciting in unexpected situations such as a women's basketball game or a blowout hockey game... Wait, that last one isn't unexpected at all... REGAHDLESS, fights are best when they are planned, scheduled, and when they take place in a squared circle, or a proximal parking lot or playground.  And well lookee here: don't we have something special planned for next week.  No, I am not referring to several white men arguing over whether or not Xavier should be in the tournament over Memphis (they shouldn't be).  I'm talking about the battle at Jerry World between Manny Pacquaio and Josh Clottey.  And regardless of the outcome (Manny's gonna win), no one will be protesting or complaining that anyone got punched in the face.  You know, since that's kind of the idea.  And won't that be refreshing?

But let's not get ahead of ourselves, since we got plenty to talk about over the next week.  As for girl fights?  Well, as long as it's kept out of the ice arena, then Sean Avery shouldn't have a problem with it.

Don't fight me on this:

• Best article of the week.  Wanna bet? (Free Darko)
• Is it better to burn out or a break a hip mid-period? (Melt Your Face Off)
• Now if we can just retire the people that say such things (KSK)
• Hey, geeks: check it out! (With Leather)

Hands up, y'all

Oblivious to the Obvious

Having conceded the fact that this weekend belongs strictly to college basketball, with all apologies to that riveting Sox-Twins split squad down in Fort Myers, we'd like to look at the some of the better basketball games that are going to take place this weekend.  Particularly, those games that often times, do not even register on ESPN as actual games (see photo).

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Better Know a Contender?

Often times when you are a young person, nuance often goes unnoticed.  For it is the subtle characteristics that truly separate the good from the wow.  An understated flinch by an actor, a defensive "glue-guy" coming off the bench in the 4th quarter, a drum beat that achieves the extraordinary but by doing nothing out of the ordinary. It all adds up.

And then you have In Living Color, the over-the-top antecedent to Mad TV, which somehow had a way of making Chris Farley's Chippendale's audition look reserved.  I mean, take a look at the picture: 5 of the 6 faces look retarded to some degree.  The 6th?  Artistically autistic... (But is there any other way?).  There's no measure, there's nothing hidden, it is just all out there, and well, it worked less often than you probably remember.

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Regularly Scheduled Programming

Presenting a list of games that ESPN feels are more important than the Kansas (#2) - Kansas State (#5) matchup that will surely produce at least one number 1-seed in the NCAA tournament (presented in order of ridiculousness):

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Remembering the Memorable

Inspired by this piece from Fanhouse (Feel free to read it before or after.  Just know that it may not be suitable for work.  That is, if getting highly emotional happens to be not suitable at your office).

I was 8 years old when I had my first taste of March Madness.  Sure everyone likes to look back to 1986 and pretend that Buckner brother their heart, too.  Or, they pretend that the Bears stomping of the Pats had significant meaning for them as a 4 year-old.  It's all bullshit.  But when you're 8, things finally start to come into focus.  Your own sports "career" is beginning to take flight.  You are no longer hitting off the tee, the three-point line seems a little closer, and you're wrist shot might even be getting some separation from the ice.  Seemingly as a result (or maybe it's just coincidence), sports as entertainment (rather than exercise) begins to take on a bigger role in your life.  Memories begin to fasten themselves to your being.  Often times they're silly; such as Pete Stoyanovich's NFL record 58-yard playoff field goal against the Chiefs (I was actually 9 when that happened, but let's not split hairs).  But some memories are not silly.  Rather, they are meaningful and perhaps more importantly, enduring.  My first memory of March Madness falls into the meaningful, enduring category.  And the reason for this is because of Hank Gathers.

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I Am the Slime...

Or, the one where we tell you what's on television because apparently that is the kind of services that blogs provide when ESPN.com is just too many letters to type into the toolbar.



Tonight!

In the awesomeness that is Olympic-catapulted NHL hockey, we got a Gold medal re-match... sorta:

Boston Bru Cru v. French Hab-nots (NESN/Le TV de Canada)

I mean, you can only watch it if you got the League Pass or live in the Boston/Montreal metro area, but whatever.

And in college hoopiness, we got two BIG, albeit barely watchable matches with serious tournament implications:

Marq'd Men v. Colonel Sanders' Special Recipe (ESPNU)

and

The Trechies v. Clem, Son (The ESPN station that doesn't actually exist on television)

So, have fun only being able to watch one of these 3 options!  Yay, television!

Got Any Gum?

Bubble gum, that is.

Over the next few weeks as we march toward... March... Madness (damn it) we will be reviewing and evaluating some potential suitors for miss Cinderella's big ol' ball.  Which teams will make it, which teams will not, which teams give Doug Gottlieb the biggest boner, it's all here, folks!  And away we go:

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Run Mr. Virginia Man!!!

Before the Zombie Singlers get you!!!

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Jason Kidd...

Still a douchebag



You know, just in case you thought he wasn't a wife-beater who blows kisses before taking free throws, stoops to bush league plays such as the one featured above, and will never win an NBA title...

Just in case.

Blogsturbation Monday

Choke Canada? Not quite. But the United States scoring that last minute goal was honestly the best thing that could have happened for any hockey fan, Canadian fanatics included. It fulfilled the building tension, added so much more excitement to a game that at times, like a slow dance, and ultimately re-paid Canada for that conservative trap they played over the final four minutes of the game.

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