Hatin' On Your Hometown

Where Sports Go to Die

Let's start from the top:

NHL attendance: Rank 26 (76% capacity)
NFL attendance: Rank 29 (89% capacity)
NBA attendance: Rank 19 (87% capacity)
MLB attendance: Rank 24 (51% capacity)

But I'm calling bullshit on both the NBA and MLB numbers.  Actually is there anyway we can get the 1st quarter and 4th quarter attendance numbers?  Because they're probably closer to 50% and 25%, respectively.  Especially if/when the Heat are tanking late in the game.

But we wore white shirts!  We're participating!

INCORRECT!  You're feigning interest in the most lazy, disingenuous way possible.  Sort of like the way you live life.  La vida loca, right?  You mean, buying expensive clothes in order to gain entrance into expensive clubs, specifically for the purpose of looking expensive?

And this makes sense, after all, Miami is the richest city in the country.  So it makes sense why the city's attendance is... so... good.  Wait, what's the problem again?  Sure, most of these teams are fairly new to the location.  Dolphins have been around forever, but the Heat (1988), Marlins and Panthers (both 1993).

Shit, even the criminals are wealthier in Miami.  Or at least, they must be.  After all, Miami's theft rates are more than double the national average.  Then again, so is arson.  So maybe after the robber jacks your Sebring convertible, they simply burn it out instead of shooting it over to the chop shop.  And maybe the monster murder rate keeps people locked indoors and away from the arena.  With nearly 100 murders last year, it sounds like Dexter's been sleeping on the job a bit.  Not sure if Stallworth's little indiscretion is counted amongst these numbers or not.  He actually did y'all a favor though.  I mean, that old man could have been the next thief in waiting.  Funny thing about Miami's crime statistics is that rape is well below the national average.  I guess when your city in populated with women that spread easier than Country Crock, there's really no need for forcible entry.

And even amidst this despicable record, the people of Miami have still been rewarded with recent championships... Unless of course you are a Dolphins fan.  The Marlins caught titles in both 1997, 4 seasons after the team's debut, and in 2003, as well.  And I think we all remember the Heat's 2006 title run amidst the blinding white riot of all their new, temporary, sorry fans.

In all fairness, Miami is basically the Phoenix of the East.  Loaded with semi-lingual immigrants, pretentious transplants, semi-fans, and an overall poor taste in fashion.  But I am being harsh with this last comparison.  Besides, your women are way hotter than those leather-skinned cougars-to-be out in Suck Valley.

So here's to you, Miami!  You greased up, absentee, makeshift lifeboat of a sports town.  We love our freedom over here at FSD, but if we had it our way, we'd strip you of 3 out of your 4 sports teams with the crushing force of a Castro purge on civil liberties.  But, don't cry, we hear Tampa could use a few extra fans anyway.  I'm sure they'd be happy to oblige.

And for fuck's sake!  Take off those white shirts!