A Clear-Cut Violation of Zombie Rights

Yesterday afternoon, former Buffalo Bills Head Coach Dick Jauron filed suit against the Buffalo Bills over his recent dismissal, citing violations of the Americans with Disabilities Act.  According to sources, the suit hinges on whether or not the Bills failed to provide "reasonable accommodations" needed to address Jauron's physical and mental limitations, as well as his "special needs."

"While Coach Jauron is clearly a capable individual when compared to most of his kind, it was clear once this contract was negotiated, that there were certain supra-ordinary factors that needed to be taken into consideration."  Jauron's attorney continued, "Factors that would demand the Buffalo Bills take extra steps not only in order to ensure Coach Jauron's success, but their own success as well."

According to the Americans with Disabilities Act a disabled person is "someone that has a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more major life activities, has a record of such an impairment, or is regarded as having such an impairment. Persons discriminated against because they have a known association or relationship with an individual with a disability also are protected."

And this is exactly where the lawsuit becomes confusing, because while Jauron is clearly different, does his situation qualify him as a disabled?  According to Bills management, it does not.

"Even if Dick Jauron where actually disabled, the American with Disabilities Act would not protect him." Argued Bills owner Ralph Wilson.  "His needs could certainly not be met without our organization having to undergo undue hardships.  I mean you can't just walk into a morgue and pick up that stuff.  Not only is it difficult, but more than anything, it's just gross."

"I mean, the Bills did this to themselves," Jauron's attorney countered.  "And they certainly didn't make Dick's job any easier for him.  Okay, fine, you don't want to prepare human brains.  No big deal. But why merely fire Turk Schonert and then let him walk away?  I mean, that is good food for my client.  He could have consumed Turk, and then with the added energy, performed his coaching duties at an absolutely higher level.

So, in essence, Jauron must prove that his "disability" required minimal accomodation on the part of the Buffalo Bills, and also, that the Bills were aware of these accommodations prior to
offering Jauron employment.

"Human fucking brains?!" Wilson exclaimed.  "Look, Jauron isn't even human first of all.  Therefore, he is not covered under the Americans with Disabilities Act.   We knew he was different.  His obvious lack of emotional demonstration concerned us, but this is the very reason why we hired seasoned assholes and circus clowns, for the very purpose of injecting emotion into a situation that was obviously lacking in it.  This is a reasonable and minimalaccommodation.  Not fucking human brains!"

While the Zombie Rights movement has been gaining traction, no significant civil rights legislation has been proposed on Capitol Hill.  Nor has the Supreme Court seen any major Zombie Rights cases in recent months.  However, Jauron's suit could very well become a defining moment, as well as a watershed for this movement.

"MAAAOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH" argues Tyler Fiero, President of the Dead/Undead Alliance, the country's largest pro-zombie lobby.

Jauron's legal team has issues the following statement:

"The Buffalo Bills organization will have to answer for their blatant discrimination.  While my client's diet is clearly unique, his food supply is abundant and sustainable.  This is nothing more than a clear-cut case of Zombie Rights.  And what really breaks our hearts is Dick's current state.  Have you ever seen a sad zombie?  It's the only emotion that they are capable of, and if there is anything worse than being a zombie, it is being an unemployed zombie that is a victim of discrimination."