Lisping Into the Offseason

With Cole Hamels

Jezsizs Chrizse...

I'm just so happy that thizs God awful bazeball zseason iz finally overrr.

I mean, you guyzs! Did you even see how bad I waz playing in thoze last few startzs?

Jeziz Chrize, you guyzs...


My curveball was absolute SHET.  Okay, It would just like hang there like a stinky, sweaty meat poker post-coitiz, waiting to be slapped around into rigidity onzce again.

My fazstball?  More like the Superzslow balllll.  Thing came about as quickly as a veteran pornzstar.

I'm jist zso thankful that I get to zspend zsome quality time with my partner Heidi.

Heidi  izzz zsomeone that I... can juzst be myzself with.  And I... Love that... About her.

Sometimezzz we like to go to San Franzcizcso to see my sizster Jillian who attendz Zsan Francizsco State Univerzsityyy.  Or, zSFzSU, Azzz I like to call it.

Me, Heidi, Jillian, zsome margaritazzz, and a little place I call the Caztro?  Soundzs like Heeeaveennnn to meeee.

Itz really ALL I need to right now, juszt to unwind, get a little tipzsy, and juszt put thizs ENTIRE seaszson out of my head forever.

I just hope that Charlie getz rid of that meany Brett Myerzs.  I mean, how dare he, right, you guyzs?

Okay, you guyyyyzs... It has been SO much fun talking to you.  I feel like one huge wait hazs been take RIGHT OFF my shoulderzsss.

Besidesz... I prefer the weight to be on my lower back and hipzs anyway.

God blezss, you guyyyszzzz! Go Philliezs!